Am I micromanaging my 14 year old

[Mickeyricky]

I feel she has freedom and she pushes boundaries but it does seem her peers have a lot more Freedom

here are some examples

she she is out I will call her every hour or so and check her location ask who she is with

she does all her getting ready and prep for school

I cook all dinners and makes sure snacks are available

she doesn't do chores - I don't enforce this enough she also no longer gets pocket money but does get money to do things

I don't let her have sleepovers elsewhere

if she is going to a party I collect her at 10.30pm and give her a lift back - she is desperate to walk back with her friends.
I wouldn't trust anyone else to collect
her in case it falls through

she is allowed out but I have to know where

she's not left alone anymore last time I went out and left her for 3 hours she allowed some
boys in for an hour. I did tell her not to, I know them
they are lovely and are welcome round when I'm here but I don't want any situations

I work as a family safeguarding officer in a school and I find myself so anxious about things
my d d doesn't have the same freedom as others and is getting fed up but I feel like I need a tight reign around it to protect her. Am I depriving her of growth or is this appropriate ?
may her age I was I to all things I shouldn't have and ruining my life but I also had 2 very absent parents

She’s not six years old. Chores are ok for her. Freedom
is ok for her. I’d feel suffocated.

She might well be going to uni in 3/4 years time. Do you have a plan to get her ready for that when she’s so controlled now?

You're BU for calling every hour when she is out, how embarrassing for her. I don't like location finders, but would that calm you down a bit? Fine with lifts from parties I think at this age. No pocket money seems a bit harsh. Re leaving her alone at home, how long ago was that, does she deserve a second chance?

re chores I mean I want her to do them but she doesn't really do them
unkess she absolutely wants something then and there

You’re being far too strict in places IMO.

Calling her every hour - too much. Trust her to be back at the time agreed.

Sleepovers - let her have sleepovers with the same sex.

Allow her to interact with the opposite sex! Boys should be fine to come round in the daytime. If you forbid this it will entice her to explore more. Build a relationship where she can come to you with questions or difficulties.

Chores - these should be about helping her transition from being a child to an adult. Start thinking through what she needs to know to run a house and get her helping out and learning.

Some parts yes some parts no. Id say she needs to do chores. I wouldn't call every hour when they are out, but I also wouldn't allow her to walk home at 10.30. sounds like you need to sit down together and compromise a bit, it does sound like you are trying to control a bit too much.

The phoning every hour and not leaving alone seem a bit much and as the first poster said definitely chores (I’d also recommend teaching her how to cook), but the rest of it seems fine to me, especially the lifts home. 10.30 actually seems late to me unless it’s eg teen discos.

I wouldn’t allow sleepovers either, unless you know the family

I do have that on but I worry in case something happens

Overall, I’d say that’s not too bad for a 14 year old growing up in this society!

I would say the calling every hour isn’t great, I’d definitely put some trust in her. Once is enough.

and the chores etc, she’s capable of doing some and having that responsibility too.

Other things I’d say could follow depending how she takes these things on.

I feel
likemitnos controlling too but it's the only way I know how to keep safe

re the allowing the boy in im
not too worried about that as he's a nice lad and her friend it was more her hiding it

I'd turn my phone off re the calling, I'm surprised she hasn't. As said, some chores are good, and the lifts are totally fine.

Far too restrictive imo.

It’s hard but it’s our job as parents to foster their independence as in a few short years she will be an adult and if you keep at this rate, an adult with no experience of looking after and managing herself.

I allow boys in when im
here she has a set of friend boys that are nice lads and visit quite a bit however I had said not whilst im
out cos who knows what happens and it was about 9pm
at night!

Ok general consensus is I won't call her all the time this is the hardest for me but today have been thinking maybe it's because of my anxiety and I'm reassuring myself. I Aldi start calling her half an hour before she's due in because she is never ever back on time or meets me on time

chores she fights a lot unless she is in the mood

sleepovers I get terrified they will sneak out or something but I know I'll have to let her

I’m quite careful about what I let my 12 y o DD do, but calling every hour is very OTT (set up and use location tracking if you really want to just check she’s OK).

Chores are good for her at that age too; and at 14 can she start getting some meals ready for herself too? I mean she doesn’t have to cook a full dinner, but making herself lunch or heating up some pasta/soup etc. in the evening would be good for a 14-year old.

On sleepovers, same sex ones should be okay, with other girls and families you know. 14 is a good age to start to give her some advice on how to protect herself and call you if needed. By 14 she should be able to stay away from you overnight at sleepovers/visits to friends & family/school trips.

It should also be possible for a 14 year old to be home alone for a few hours, but the letting boys in would concern me — that’s the only thing I think I’d worry about — not because I’d think they were getting up to anything, but because presumably you asked her not to let anyone in? If she let them in knowing you wouldn’t like it, I’d not be happy with that.

On most of the things I think you’re being overprotective and she probably needs a bit more responsibility. (I was babysitting other people’s children in the evenings at that age! Could she do something like that?) But I do agree about letting people in the house when alone. No matter how nice the boys, if you’ve said no she needs to respect your wishes.

The thing is, the more you restrict the more likely she is to rebel, so it's counterproductive. Some boundaries need to be in place obviously, but there's a balance to be had between her safety and your anxiety. It's a tough one.

This sounds right to me.

You are right but there have been instances like one time she went out and drank vodka - I only knew so quick as I checked in on her and her voice was weird - I ended up finding her in a bad state. Since then (5 months ago) I find myself frantic and always wanting to check her voice is ok but I also know that's not healthy

Yes, I wouldn't be happy with that. But we all did silly things (ok more like 16 for me) and survived, and eventually learned from them. Did you talk about it with her?

Mine had more freedom but it's hard to say what's appropriate without knowing the area you live, the maturity of your DD and if she is walking part way on her own or if her friends live close by. Calling her every hour is excessive, I used to ask mine to check in with me if they changed location. The chores also should be enforced- we have a chores rota in return for an allowance and freedom - no chores = no going out. If they break a boundary then there's a consequence e.g if they are home 30mins late without alerting me there's an issue they have to.come home 30 mins earlier the next day. Now at 15 & 17 we have a mutual respect - they can challenge a rule if they make their case calmly and ahead of time. They are allowed to ask but I'm.allowef to say no and that's final, but I will explain why.

You are paving the way for her to become an absolute rebel at 18 or when she moves away to college.

You need to start building a relationship of give and take, together with trust and respect.

You need to have a chat with her something along the lines of "now you're getting older, I'm going to trust you enough to stop calling evert hours but in engage for that I expect you home at the agreed time"..."if you want to go meet friends next Saturday, I would like that you've tidied your room first. The more responsibility you show, the more freedom I'll be comfortable giving you etc"

The main think is that you tell her is she's ever in a situation where she's afraid, worried, out of her depth, that she's to call you and get her home safe and that she'll never be in trouble for seeking help if she needs it.

It's unfair to stifle her because of your anxiety.

I think you should definitely relax a bit (not calling her so often) but she needs to show that she's responsible to earn more independence. She should help in the home to earn pocket money and privileges. Leave her alone at home for shorter periods, but she has to follow your rules about who can be in your house. If she's not home in time then she doesn't get to go out the next time she wants. Mostly though, you need to discuss together what you each want, how you can compromise and where you see yourselves in a couple of years.

Your safeguarding role will have made you overly cautious as you see what kids get up to. I would loosen the reins a little...were you never a teenager who made a mistake? It's how we learn & you can't control her forever. While I get you are only trying to protect her I wouldn't want my child being teased by their friends with the constant calling, not being allowed to walk home etc. If its a safe walk home could she text to say when she is setting off so you know when to expect her? Only you can know if it's a safe route and she is mature enough for this though

All I will say is I had parents who were wonderful in most ways but both very anxious and controlling about normal growing up stuff. I moved out when I was 17 as it was stifling

I absolutely agree with this post. Your DD has to learn there are consequences to her behaviour and the drinking vodka last year and bringing a boy home did her no favours.
Have a good chat with her and come to a consensus, you'll hold off on the phone calls IF she communicates better with you. Also, try to agree (or negotiate) a home arrival time but she has to stick with it or there will be consequences. It's tough parenting teenagers and you're obviously anxious about her, but she has to earn your trust too.