Am I micromanaging my 14 year old

[Mickeyricky]

I feel she has freedom and she pushes boundaries but it does seem her peers have a lot more Freedom

here are some examples

she she is out I will call her every hour or so and check her location ask who she is with

she does all her getting ready and prep for school

I cook all dinners and makes sure snacks are available

she doesn't do chores - I don't enforce this enough she also no longer gets pocket money but does get money to do things

I don't let her have sleepovers elsewhere

if she is going to a party I collect her at 10.30pm and give her a lift back - she is desperate to walk back with her friends.
I wouldn't trust anyone else to collect
her in case it falls through

she is allowed out but I have to know where

she's not left alone anymore last time I went out and left her for 3 hours she allowed some
boys in for an hour. I did tell her not to, I know them
they are lovely and are welcome round when I'm here but I don't want any situations

I work as a family safeguarding officer in a school and I find myself so anxious about things
my d d doesn't have the same freedom as others and is getting fed up but I feel like I need a tight reign around it to protect her. Am I depriving her of growth or is this appropriate ?
may her age I was I to all things I shouldn't have and ruining my life but I also had 2 very absent parents

Hmm, I definitely wouldn’t be happy with the vodka drinking at 14. Can you work out with her some graduated steps towards a bit more freedom, if she can show she’s responsible enough? (Though maybe she might not be, for a while, and that’s also OK.) I’d stop the calling her all the time though, and start her off on some chores and helping with meals as a way of proving she’s willing to start being more responsible. Then build up to more freedom if she is sensible.

If she's feeling smothered the drinking and inviting boys in the first chance she gets is probably her kicking back. If she has reasonable boundaries in place it's hopefully more natural she'll tell you what she's up to vs you being on top of her every move.

If all her friends are allowed more freedoms (within safe perimeters) they'll be experimenting with stuff too. But it's less likely to have consequences that might be damaging.

Some of these are reasonable, some are not. The ones that aren’t reasonable:

she she is out I will call her every hour or so and check her location ask who she is with

WAY too intense. Just use a tracking app and text her. How embarrassing for her.

she doesn't do chores - I don't enforce this enough she also no longer gets pocket money but does get money to do things

Shes 14 she needs to learn how to take care of her home

I don't let her have sleepovers elsewhere

I understand why but at 14 she’s old enough. Just make common sense choices - so people you and her have known for ages, when it’s girls only etc

Youre pushing your anxieties onto her, it’s not fair.

she's not left alone anymore last time I went out and left her for 3 hours she allowed some
boys in for an hour.

Well yes this is what kids who are overprotected tend to do. Pushing them down doesn’t keep them down, it makes them sneak around.

Parenting is one big worry. You have to suck it up and not let it affect your kids though.

She’s doing this because you’re suffocating her.

I was hugely over protected and I lied and snuck around throughout my teens as it was the only way to get a sniff of freedom teenagers yearn for.

I can’t believe you ring a 14 year old every hour when she’s out and ask where she is and who she’s with - that must be totally humiliating for her. I think 10.30 is very early to be collecting her from a party if it’s on a weekend night, and to not trust another adult to pick her up is just bizarre. I think the way your are treating her is way over the top and I’m not surprised she is getting fed up. If you’re not careful you’ll alienate her completely. I had a couple of friends whose parents treated them like this and they both left school and home at 16 to get away from their parents.

Yep this was me though I was 17, and still have a v stained relationship with my mum. It’s never been an honest or open relationship even now at almost 40yo, because I can’t trust her not to be overbearing. It’s sad really. Parents need to understand that we have to play the long game. Yes restricting children stops bad thing happening, today, tomorrow, next week - but is it worth the long term repercussions? No.