in not wanting to go back to work?

[williamsmummy]

am quite tearfull over this, as previously I have juggled four children , running a home, and a couple of part time jobs for years.
Had to stop three years ago as I fell ill, and have only recently got over two fairly major medical problems.
I still work as a MSA at my primary school, but its so little money, I need to add at least £100+ to my income.

I am soo upset that I have to go through all that stress again, I do believe that four kids are a full time job.
I have no back up if they are ill, or earn enough to pay for childcare.

So the job has to fit in with school times and term dates.

Even now I find myself struggling with housework and washing at weekends, along with ferrying kids around, adding up a whole mon - fri with no chance to clean house, do the shopping , sort out school paperwork etc etc etc, its going to be a non life again.

To cap it all off, hubby brought his football season ticket, this month,(£900+) then worked out that we really need more monthly income , and then pointed out that I need to go back to work.

I want to stay with my kids out of school term time, but feel that working full time would be less or the same workload than part time.
little difference, because i would still be required to do it all.
hubby leaves home early , comes home late, would be of little help. and certainly, the weekend footy, and cricket stuff, means I am on my own fairly frequently.

However my income from full time work would be going back to management levels , which would mean before school hours and evenings.

I did tell hubby I would settle for cleaning jobs, as I could scrub peoples floors for less stress in between school hours than anything else.
He was horrified, and doenst think I should do something like this.

any other job will interfere with the kids after school clubs etc, and lead to many complications.

but the nasty bottom line is money.
we need it, food bills alone have jumped up, let alone heating , petrol, so have to find something.

am cross , frustarated, and tearfull.....it all seems so shitty.

[RuthChan]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
Personally, I find one child a full-time job, so I dread to think what four must be like!

It sounds like your family as a whole needs to tighten its belt and decide whether certain items really count a necessities or not.
In which case, I might be asking my DH whether a season ticket is really necessary...
Is it important enough to send you out to work against your wishes for?

[Nixz]

I would be pretty cross if DP spent that amount of money on something, when money was tight.
That could sort Christmas and birthday presents out for the year!

I personally think that 4 children and a husband and a house to run is more than a fulltime job.

Have you spoken to your dh about this?

[georgiemama]

You are already working full time doing everything for 5 other people. Sorry to be harsh, but your DH needs a serious reality check. 900 quid on a season ticket and then he tells you money is tight? Drrr, yes, shitwit, and its tight because of you.

I speak as a full time working out of home mother so I'm not anti women working, you just sound like your hands are full enough.

Why is it OK to your DH for you to clean his house for nothing but not to clean fo other people for money? What an arse (sorry, not really helping)

Georgiemama wanders off......

[pooka]

If you need £100 per month to survive, your dh has effectively spent 9 months worth of money on a season ticket. Is absurd.

[Eve34]

I too would be a bit pissed off with him, how would you feel about working a night shift £75 or so for anight depending on where and who you work for - when I say a night shift was thinking in hospital or rest home?

Just an idea x

[HonoriaGlossop]

agree with pooka!

Is it £100 extra a month you need? or a week?

Because yes if it's a month, then he could cut out that season ticket and you'd be almost there.

I totally respect your wish to be there for your kids and basically it looks to me you could approach it two ways;

work full time in a higher level job and use a childminder/school club for the hours you need, and get a cleaner. For you this could actually be an easier, simpler way of life!

The other way of looking at it is to do as you suggest and fit in some cleaning, or even shop work - local co-op? In about September marks and sparks and lots of other places usually recruit for christmas and sometimes people stay on permanently.

So what if your DH doesn't like the idea? He can't say you need to bring in more money then say no when you offer to earn it. It's your life, your labour - you do what you want.

And of course he needs to contribute by economising and HELPING you

[williamsmummy]

its £100 per week, to make our outcomes balance.
I am so fed up with years of juggling part time work and the home and kids etc, I am seriously considering go back full time.

He might make more of an effort to contribute in the home as we would both be working full time.

However a good portion of my money would go on child care, for youngest , before and after school.
My other three children would be expected to get up and get themselves to school (and lock up house on their own.) which , is going to be tricky , cant see my two teenagers getting out of bed on time, let alone remembering to shut front door.
As they have forgotten to in the past!

During half terms, and summer hols etc, he would have to work from home, and for two weeks during summer.
I am not sure his job is that flexiable, he currently only works one day a week at home.

my other concern is that my work patterns would include late shifts. We cant leave three kids alone from after school, until 7.30 .
Also after school club is only until 6pm, would have to get older son to pick daughter up and baby sit until I come home.

I suspect the most I will earn with a job with low responsibilty will be 12 -13 a year.
Anything higher and i would be expected to step in if low in staff, meaning longer hours at work and organsising childcare at home by phone.
max year 16-18 a year.

Have no back up for sick child, and to throw yet another spanner in the works, have a child with lots of severe allergy probs, and he is often off school.
I am not that much a soft touch, and push him to go , but school nurse does call and report that he is sick.

If I go back part time, I will quickly sink in to exhaustion, if i go back full time, and he pulls his weight more, by being a more hands on parent, things might just work.

I am not superwoman, I refuse to be superwoman.

He asked me last night what he had done wrong.
I couldnt be bothered to tell him, because if he doesnt know now, he will never understand.
Quite frankly can see our marriage going down the pan, i certainly wont have the energy reserves for it when I am working.
sleep after a long long day, every day would be my requirement, certainly wont have time for conversation.
My day will be a non stop time table, that I have to change at the last min, or plan the next day ahead.
pretty shit life isnt it?!

[HonoriaGlossop]

oh williamsmummy I do feel for you. It is a grind and it is hard isn't it.

I think it might help to write a list of what needs to be done. I'm a big believer in seeing things written down and have written to my DH on one occasion in order that we both DEALT with things

It seems that for you the most realistic option for life actually feeling cope-able is for you to "go back full time, and he pulls his weight more, by being a more hands on parent"

I think you need to communicate this to him really clearly and strongly and you need I think to literally write down the plan so that it's there in black and white - pin it up in the kitchen!

Also, try not to think too far ahead; there ARE difficulties in being a working parent but none of us would do anything if we looked at all the 'what if's' before we took any steps.

If you have the understanding between you that you are BOTH JOINTLY responsible for sorting out cover for any ill children/inset days/parents evenings then it will be much easier than if it comes down on you.

If your older children are given the clear responsibility to lock up and get themselves to school, they may well surprise you with their level of sensible-ness. My brother and I took ourselves off to school and back in the house on our own from quite young - about ten I think - and there were never any problems.

Don't take life all on your shoulders

Share it out between all the family

I think you sound like an absolute rock and a star, but it's time to grow some sloping shoulders

I do think working full time, while it does have it's difficulties, actually has the potential to be less stressful for YOU

very best of luck

[rebelmum1]

Can you downsize in some way? Economise change your mortgage rather than have to go back to work? I really empathise with you.

[rebelmum1]

What about childminding? I know plenty of childminders who only have one or two children and offer a more specialist care to fit in with their own family.

[Ripeberry]

I really feel for you, what a prat spending all that money on a football ticket, what's wrong with watching it on TV? (by the way i can't stand football).
If my DH spent money like that on a luxury and then told me to work more, i'd deck him!
Seriously, can't you get the teenagers to clean the house, make up a rota for everyone to do their bit?
You should not feel like you have to be superwoman, they really don't exist not in real life
Good luck with your decisions.

[rebelmum1]

Sounds to me like he doesn't fully appreciate the situation, you need to be spelling things out really clearly in man language.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

What a difficult decision, personally I would second the night shift idea, you would probably be able to make up the short fall, in addition if it was a friday night your ( not so d) h would have to agree to FULL responsibilty for the dc's on the saturday till say 1600 to allow you to sleep and catch up, this would put paid to his activities but WTF does he expect with 4 children ( this would also save money as he wouldn't be able to full use his season ticket so he could sell it....

Seriously I do think you need to have a serious chat / letter to your dh and start communicating how you are feeling as if something is done your relationship really will be down the pan..... at least by talking you can see if it is salavgable

[bellavita]

rebelmum1 has said what I want to say in one sentence.

I would be pretty peed off with the season ticket thing.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

Just had another thought he could always take the children with him whether you're working or not, sounds like you need some me time anyway might limit the beers etc if he drinks .... and again another great money saver by doris.....

[JoshandJamie]

Just some sympathies for you. Why is it always the woman's job to organise childcare/house/work and men just get to sort out work?

I know this is an endless debate on here so not trying to kick it off - I just have the same dilemma.

What type of work do you do? PErhaps we could come up with some ideas for you.

[expatinscotland]

i wouldn't do jack right now and tell him he needs to get a second job to pay for that ticket.

[rebelmum1]

Yes expat I agree, don't take on the burden yourself alone. It needs to be shared and some solutions need to be found together. Don't assume responsibility or you'll be left sorting it all out.

[rebelmum1]

You need to talk clearly to your dh, in short sentences sticking to one topic at a time, be assertive and show no emotion..tell him what's what.

[rebelmum1]

Book a day out for you for a similar cost if you need to to make a point. God knows you sound like you need the break.

[williamsmummy]

I am still feeling bitter,........last month suggested we sell the 2nd car, but he wasnt too happy with that.
I said fine, but I expect him not to be surprised when I have no more money to spend, again.

any simple economy I make is not good enough, from cheap food own shop brands of baked beans to suggesting that a footy season ticket it a very very expensive luxury.

I am fed up of feeling guilty when I spend money on the kids, and can fully understand that were we live is expensive ( re cost of housing) and that living on one income is almost impossible with one wage.
I really wanted to be near home for at least until my youngest gets to senior school, or after her first year there.
personally I feel that one parent should be in charge of caring for the kids, you do need to keep tabs on your teens. Which is difficult to do if you are not home very often.

i am sure deep down hubby is aware of all this, but the reality is two incomes are much more comfortable.

did consider childminding, but as its some years since babies /young children were in house, it would take money to buy safety stuff and equipment and take some time to sort out things re - registering.

also it would have its drawbacks, what mother would accept her infant being driven around with teenage boys and guitars to lessons ? or hanging around in a ballet school until 6pm ?
mothers want their careers to look after their children, I have plenty of my own to look after, and that mindee would have to fit around a large , busy , active family.

part time children wouldnt bring in much money, which would be better, do love babies though.

am running through ideas, and ringing up people for job applications.

[bossykate]

he can't actually make you get a job though, can he? what would happen if you simply don't?

[MrsPuddleduck]

I am just about to start childminding for a similar reason.

You can earn quite alot of money - my current childminder charges me £3.75 per hour. You would probably only need one full timer and you would be fine - plus you would save money on all of your childcare/afterschool costs.

It takes about 12 weeks - which isn't too long. The council gives you £300 to buy essential equipment and pay for your insurance etc. They then also pay for you to do qualifications and courses. I intend to do the NVQ3 in childcare (or similar) then when my little ones are grown up more I could try and get a job in a school and work term time.

If you like children (as in other people's) it is a great option.

BTW - my childminder made well over £25K last year so if you take it seriously can be a good career move.

[fizzbuzz]

Can't you get a job which only works school hours? We have 4 dc between us (some are young adults/teenagers) and I work 4 days per week. It is hellish in term time, but do catch up in school holidays. Also my ds who is 14 manages to lock up every morning, although I do ake him up before I leave

Could you be a classroom assistant or something?

[jellybeans]

YANBU in not wanting to work, your DH is unreasonable buying the season ticket though! I have 4 kids and DH works f/t doing shifts which vary from week to week. I am knackered just doing housework and ferrying kids around. I also help in school and am doing an OU degree. This is my job as far as I am concerned. Me being home actually saves money as we don't have a second car (we share) or use childcare etc.