in not wanting to go back to work?

[williamsmummy]

am quite tearfull over this, as previously I have juggled four children , running a home, and a couple of part time jobs for years.
Had to stop three years ago as I fell ill, and have only recently got over two fairly major medical problems.
I still work as a MSA at my primary school, but its so little money, I need to add at least £100+ to my income.

I am soo upset that I have to go through all that stress again, I do believe that four kids are a full time job.
I have no back up if they are ill, or earn enough to pay for childcare.

So the job has to fit in with school times and term dates.

Even now I find myself struggling with housework and washing at weekends, along with ferrying kids around, adding up a whole mon - fri with no chance to clean house, do the shopping , sort out school paperwork etc etc etc, its going to be a non life again.

To cap it all off, hubby brought his football season ticket, this month,(£900+) then worked out that we really need more monthly income , and then pointed out that I need to go back to work.

I want to stay with my kids out of school term time, but feel that working full time would be less or the same workload than part time.
little difference, because i would still be required to do it all.
hubby leaves home early , comes home late, would be of little help. and certainly, the weekend footy, and cricket stuff, means I am on my own fairly frequently.

However my income from full time work would be going back to management levels , which would mean before school hours and evenings.

I did tell hubby I would settle for cleaning jobs, as I could scrub peoples floors for less stress in between school hours than anything else.
He was horrified, and doenst think I should do something like this.

any other job will interfere with the kids after school clubs etc, and lead to many complications.

but the nasty bottom line is money.
we need it, food bills alone have jumped up, let alone heating , petrol, so have to find something.

am cross , frustarated, and tearfull.....it all seems so shitty.

I think the reality is that very many people are in the position you're in. Housing, fuel, food, EVERYTHING costs a hell of a lot these days, and I would imagine it's a very small proportion of families who can afford to live on one income.
You explain your situation in depth, and one thing that strikes me is that none of your children are really small any more. You mention the youngest being at school and needing before and after childcare and the older ones being able to get themselves up and off to school in the morning. Before and after school care and some holiday care (given that you and your DH will be able to take some leave during school hols) is NOT that horrendous. It should certainly be worth your while working. It's pre school care that really costs, when you're paying for the entire day. With older children like yours, I think it's the feeling of juggling so many different routines that is the hard thing - getting them to clubs etc, sorting homework etc. But a good routine can work wonders. I would be very tempted in your situation to bite the bullet and go back full time. It puts you in a MUCH stronger bargaining position with your DH when you both work full time. Insist that he does his fair share of drop offs and pick ups, housework, shopping etc. Also, full time work tends to give you more recognition, and may lead to greater opportunities.
You have been very fortunate to have all the preschool years with your children. They arent tiny any more, you can get out there into the world of work and make a big difference to the family finances. I think usually there's a fair amount of housework etc that can go by the board. When you are a SAHM, you tend to invent things that need doing (I certainly did on maternity leave) whereas once you are working outside the home, your realise that you can often cut back on the chores.

I agree with alot of what you say Alfies. For me, certainly, not working has NEVER been a possibility though in ds pre-school years we made major sacrifices so I could only work two days; we sold our house, even.

Now we are in a smaller house and ds is at school and there is no choice for me but to work; and many, many countless families are in this position

I would choose to work much more part time, if I could - however I don't have that choice so I appreciate instead the chance to, as alfies says, de-stress MY life by making it clear that chores and responsibility for ds are split right down the middle; and to give ds a good example of both parents working and striving to be the best they can at their jobs etc

this is a feminist issue isn't it really?

the balance of the homework childcare is all the OPs

which is fine so long as she is a sahm

but not good if she is working

the options are simple

1. work and get support externally (au-pairs, cleaners, gardeners) but would involve working fulltime to fund it all

1. work and get support internally - which would involve dh and the children doing more than they do currently

1. stay at home and trim the budgets

thanks for replies.

hubby can offer no support if I go back full time. his job is not that flexiable.

I am going to applie for a part time job, and some of that money will go to child care for youngest.
There will certainly be no/little support from hubby. certainly because he works a long day, and his mother is ill. weekends are equally busy for him.

as for trimming the budgets, well have done so far, but have too many children for that ! if you understand the expense of four kids!!
and hubby will not trim or scarifice enough in some areas.

From first conversation with new job application, they asked about my doing extra hours on top.
so can see myself working 20+++ hours with this job, and juggling four kids, home etc.
just as I have done a thousand times before, until I have some sort of health problem from being too run down.

you know what I really dread my hubby saying...............oh! lets use the extra money for a weekend away with the kids!

which, oh, joy! will = extra+++ work preparing for the trip, all that washing school uniform before hand, packing , and doing homeowkr early................and me, getting there more tired than I have ever been during a normal week.
I WILL HIT HIM if he does this...........

This doesn't sound like a good outcome for you.

Is it possible to sit down with DH and explain that if you work half-time, and he works full-time, then you expect the housework/childcare to be split 1/3 : 2/3?

It's completely ridiculous to protect your DH from doing housework on the basis that his job is inflexible and his mother has to be cared for, but then take up all the slack yourself so that you develop stress problems. It's a non-starter.

If you do go back to work, then don't just invest in childcare. Invest in a cleaning lady and a gardener as well. You don't want to get ill again.

I wouldnt earn enough to keep a cleaning lady or a gardener! ( have longed for this lots of times esp when I have been ill!)

I have spent years explaining this , and there is no way hubby will continue a sustained effort.

I am planning to ask the older teens to do more work in the home. I expect to have more success with that than with my hubby.

If you think one of his first thoughts would be to use this 'extra money' for a weekend away, and you know it's about making ends meet, then it's clearly a communication thing between you

It really does sound as if you need to assert yourself and tell your dh how it is down here on planet earth. And yes, the older kids really should be doing alot to help you in the house but your DH should be doing something at least; kids are very aware of unfairness!

I think you need to be your own best friend and your own advocate. At the moment your family, while no doubt they love you to pieces, will use you up - literally. Until you get a serious illness.

None of them are going to protect you...you need to protect yourself. Go for it.

Had you considered and discarded the idea of expanding on your work in a school environment. I have quite a few friends working 10-25 hours a week in schools. Those doing more than 15 hours are earning well in excess of £100 a week and on the whole the arrangements work well, aside from the odd inset or training day. You may need to undertake an NVQ training course on-job but that might not be a bad thing. Many of us, myself included, totally change our views on working post-children and end up with a totally different career path.
My sister does the breakfast club at her local primary, then an hour as a Learning Support Assistant, returns to do her MSA and then half an hour LSA again. In her previous incarnation she was an environmental health officer!
Do what you must without compromising family life if family life is your priority. I myself have answered phones at the local emergency drs till 2am, done dinner duty at a school and supported an autistic child in class for 15 hrs a week. Now doing a bit of book-keeping at home. No more civil service for me!

if he is unwilling to compromise on the amount of childcare and housework he does, then why should you compromise going to work so he can pay for stuff he doesn't need?

if he wants that stuff so badly, then he can either muck in around the home whilst you work, or get a second job.

I think it's an assertiveness issue too

Williamsmummy please don't agree to anything that is too much for you

One thing I have learned about stress issues is the way they affect personal "elasticity"

Once the elastic has lost its stretchiness, it's very difficult to get more out of it. And that difficulty is only exacerbated as you get older.

I used to be able to work 60 hour weeks with horrible pressurised deadlines and ultra-demanding clients no sweat in my thirties. It's much harder in my forties.

Good luck