AIBU to think people are unnecessarily unkind in their replys

[Wildefish]

First time to post. I have been an avid reader of AIBU for a while now. In fact it’s my favourite thing to read after clearing away dinner, with a cup of tea and a biscuit. The thing I have noticed is how unnecessarily unkind a lot of the answers are to posters who are obviously upset and asking for advice. AIBU to ask if other people feel the same, or is the whole point of AIBU is to make the poster feel totally crap. Putting my big girl pants on for the answers.

Well put!

It’s not a mumsnet thing or a women thing - it’s the anonymity of social media. People take out their anger, frustration etc on others with impunity.

I try to remember that years ago when I was a struggling new mum and felt I couldn’t admit to anyone in real life how hard I was finding it, the empathy and advice I had on MN in response to my desperate post really did help. Posters were very kind - not everyone is horrible.

Yes, some people do come across as unpleasant.

But, you get keyboard warriors on any forum - best just to ignore them and read the more helpful replies. 🙂

So many of the nasty comments though are just barbed put downs designed to make a PP feel stupid.

It has become more this way in recent years. I find it really tiresome. I don't know if it's generational. I find my younger colleagues (I'm 50s, they're 30s and 40s) to be quite confrontational and argumentative and where I find it unnecessary and unprofessional and occasionally quite upsetting, they're fine with it.

AIBU was always a bit rough but it's all the boards now.

I too find a lot of the replies are unnecessarily aggressive and if you say so you’re immediately told ‘what did you expect, it’s social media after all’.
But it definitely didn’t used to be like that. In the early days, the replies were much more along the lines of what you’d expect a sympathetic friend to say. Mumsnet is now just like any other forum - full of keyboard warriors venting their frustrations. I do find there are still plenty of helpful and supportive posts but you often have to weed through all the harsh ones to find them.

Im glad to hear that you got some helpful advice. You said “years ago”. Do you think advice given it is as helpful now? Also, I fear that if someone is struggling and they get heaped with unfair criticism, it will push them over the edge.

I do just flick past the nasty replies. Not wasting a good cuppa and bickie on reading that crap.

Yeah that’s why I said ‘tend’. But as you say if the OP doesn’t want to listen or is a bit pointed it can escalate.

A bit of brutal honesty doesn't really offend me but it does piss me off when people are nasty whilst also being completely wrong.

What bothers me fat more is the fact that people are told to LTB over absolutely anything. I'm amazed that anyone on here is still married tbh.

That’s interesting as I hadn’t thought of age being a factor. I’m 66! Maybe I need to take a bitch pill along with my blood pressure tablet and daily Collagen!

Maybe ask yourself why you so much enjoy AIBU and not the gardening board or similar?

I like AIBU myself because when it's not full of trolls and AI posts it's quite vibrant, there are lots of different perspectives and some quite good advice generally. There are some really narky posters who slap posters down but just as many others who will pull them up on it. You could do that yourself too if you wanted rather than just ask why posters are mean.

I totally agree that LTB is said so flippantly. As if uprooting yourself and probably children is easy. I would think that should be a last resort, and that’s from someone who did just that!

Sometimes a narrative develops where everyone seemingly unthinkingly piles on, and the narrative escalates to a riculous extreme extent. There was one example a few days ago, totally ott. It reminded me a bit of mob hysteria. The words used for some of the people involved were so extreme and totally undeserved, but the online mob had decided to villify them and side with the OP, who admitted in her op that she had not handled the situation with the other people well. Black and white thinking and no middle ground.

How helpful is it to pat someone on the head and commiserate with them. All this navel gazing everyone indulges in these days is half the problem - sometimes people just need to hear it straight pick up and get on - life doesn’t stop because you feel sorry for yourself. There’s still kids to feed, uniforms to iron ( or throw in the dryer with an ice cube), bills to pay. All anyone can do is pick a road and keep going.

I agree. I often get butterflies if I post, bracing myself for the harsh replies.

I was thinking about that reading the 24 year old's posts this morning. So many of them telling her being a single parent would be so awful (even though she had practical and financial support from her still young parents), but on other threads married mothers are being encouraged to put themselves in the same situation over small things.

I find the 1st few replies set the tone. If it starts off snarky that sets off the 'Twat signal'. There was a thread recently about a little kid who stood on some flowers at the park. You'd think they'd stamped on a puppy and strung it up by the guts!

I agree, being kind can be seriously unhelpful in so many ways. However there are some posts that are blatantly hatefilled, purposefully misunderstanding, or intended to be patronisingly nasty, it's those I don't like.

I try to give my opinion without being rude. But I must admit, there are certain threads that make my blood boil and I find myself being rather more blunt than I would ever be in real life. Usually when there’s ableism. Or people questioning the validity of neurodivergence. Or when people on disability benefits are getting a thrashing. I try to stay away from anything that isn’t something I can relate to and usefully contribute to in some way. Even if it’s just with humour or a bit of solidarity. Some posters on here are truly nasty and being able to name change (which I have done several times tbf) means they can come back covertly and spread more hatred.

Yes, I think some people get a kick out of being nasty, and can get away with it online. It’s pretty depressing sometimes to see just how horrible people can be. There are lots of lovely people on here too though.

It's possible to be helpful without being a cunt.

Sadly not everyone can manage that.

Yes, there are lovely people too and I’ll try to remember that. Thank you for reminding.