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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from elderly parents?

30 replies

nampto · 05/04/2025 19:24

We live within about 10 miles of my parents and dh’s parents. They are now in their mid 80s with worsening health problems.

DH and I had always dreamed of moving to the coast (around 3hrs away) when we retired. Have always been vocal about this. But now the time has come, our parents are getting older and need more help with things.

If we didn’t move now, then we’ll be too old ourselves to enjoy our dream of living on the coast for retirement.

DH is an only child. I have one brother who lives in Dubai who has no plans to come home.

AIBU to move away from elderly parents?

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 05/04/2025 19:29

No, just make sure that they have a future plan as to what they are going to do when they need extra help. I currently live 3 hours away from my parents, DH parents have both died. Within the last year, my mum has developed advanced dementia and is now in a care home unable to recall who I am and my dad's health needs have increased to a level he's likely to need residential care in the next few months.
I have a lot of siblings and we've each decided how much we are prepared to do or not do, that's an entirely personal decision.

caramac04 · 05/04/2025 19:30

Do it. We didn’t as FiL used emotional blackmail to keep dh close. Despite dh doing so so much, I’m convinced FiL would have had a better quality of life and 24hr care in a home.
Our life was crap, FiL had a crap life and now dh feels too old to cope with our retirement dream of moving to the coast.
Honestly I could weep but that would accomplish nothing.

gamerchick · 05/04/2025 19:31

If you don't do it now you'll not get the chance. Ask them what their plans are for when they need care .

MascaraAndMintyChocolate · 05/04/2025 19:32

Depends on what you see happening in the future? Do you envisage your parents in a care home, either where they live now or where you move to? Or do you see them insisting in staying in their own home perhaps with carer support? Do you have the kind of relationship where you would want to support them practically or not? I'm assuming not...

Do they have power of attorney established?

I moved a long way from my parents,k and as they entered their mid 80s, they ended up moving to be near me. One is being removed from a care home to live with me right now. They were fine in the home, until they declined and needed more support. I nursed my mil through end of life in her home.

Is there any compromise? Or do you even want to compromise?

Sailawaygirl · 05/04/2025 19:45

Oh I'm having these thoughts too. I'm younger than you but my mum had me when she was older so she is 70 something now and I'm 35+. My partner really wants to move to a different area we ended up living near my parents by accident as I got a job in the area and we relocated. But the thought of moving back across the other side of the country away from them now fulls me with anxiety ! My dad had a heart issues recently and I drove him to hospital and stayed with him in a&e as my mum just panics in these situations, it's the first time I've had to step up like that. I'm an only child.
My partner is desperate to move in the next 3 years but I worry incase they expect me hang around! But on the other hand if we stay in this area we are just waiting for them to die so we can move! And that doesn't feel healthy either.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/04/2025 19:47

Not unreasonable. Do it. Dont miss the opportunity.

DenholmElliot11 · 05/04/2025 19:48

Do it. Enjoy your retirement while your in good health.

Have a frank conversation with your parents and ask them what their long term care plans are.

You can always get them set up before you go. With carers, cleaners, shoppers, etc, get all the admin done.

Twiglets1 · 05/04/2025 19:48

YABU moving 3 hours away at their stage of life. There must surely be nice coastal areas closer than that?

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 20:17

Move. Realistically, you could have moved decades ago, couldn’t you? You’ve all had these extra years living near each other.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 20:19

Twiglets1 · 05/04/2025 19:48

YABU moving 3 hours away at their stage of life. There must surely be nice coastal areas closer than that?

I think if you’re in the West Midlands you’re three hours to the nearest coastline.

Twiglets1 · 05/04/2025 20:23

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 20:19

I think if you’re in the West Midlands you’re three hours to the nearest coastline.

Show quote history

You've picked the place most land locked in the whole country and assumed OP lives there just to make a point?

Chances are OP doesn't live in the West Midlands.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 20:40

Twiglets1 · 05/04/2025 20:23

You've picked the place most land locked in the whole country and assumed OP lives there just to make a point?

Chances are OP doesn't live in the West Midlands.

Show quote history

No I didn’t ‘pick the place most land locked in the whole country and assume OP lives there just to make a point?’

You said there must be nice coastal areas closer than three hours away. I am just pointing out that for some people there aren’t any coastal areas closer than three hours away.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘making a point’ though.

Twiglets1 · 05/04/2025 20:44

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 05/04/2025 20:40

No I didn’t ‘pick the place most land locked in the whole country and assume OP lives there just to make a point?’

You said there must be nice coastal areas closer than three hours away. I am just pointing out that for some people there aren’t any coastal areas closer than three hours away.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘making a point’ though.

Show quote history

Statistically, it is highly likely that OP lives somewhere where they can get to the coast in less than 3 hours.

But yes! If they live in certain parts of the West Midlands then maybe there are no coastal areas within 3 hours.

I mean, chances are they don't but they might!

Spottidogs · 05/04/2025 20:51

Move. My dm lives near my dsis. Had my dsis not been there, she'd have gone into sheltered housing long ago. She'd probably have been happier there,

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 05/04/2025 20:53

With parents in their 80s, you're footsteps away from some sort of crisis and once they start it's relentless. Just bear that in mind if you're moving that far away.

My Dad was living completely independently at 82 until cancer struck. The ensuing 5 months were beyond my worst nightmare, and Dad suddenly needed help 24/7 - physical and mental support, and advocating for his care needs. There's no way I could have managed that if I hadn't lived 6 miles from him. And there's no way that I would have let him take one step of his sad journey without being by his side.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/04/2025 20:59

I’m in a similar position to you. There’s no way I’d move away from my parents now. I owe them everything. I want to help them if and when they need help, and I want to spend time with them.

Trees6 · 05/04/2025 21:02

I don’t think that waiting around in limbo for them to die is conducive to a great retirement. One of them could live to 95+. You have to live your life and seize your opportunities, don’t martyr yourselves. Surely they wouldn’t want that.

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 05/04/2025 21:02

@nampto , I guess that depends on what level of responsibility you feel towards your parents. You will not be too old if you wait but if that excuse helps you to do what you want for yourself then I won’t change your mind. Mumsnet is full of very selfish people who will tell you what you want to hear.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 05/04/2025 21:02

I'd also add that when they're gone, the world is a bleaker place than you could ever have imagined it being. Something that even a nice view of the sea can't cure.

Glitchymn1 · 05/04/2025 21:05

Depends.. I wouldn’t move away from my DM, I’ll move in with her when/if the time comes. We both went through it with my dad, so I know how hard it is.
If you do go, they need to know that you won’t be around.

Motheranddaughter · 05/04/2025 21:06

It’s entirely your decision
It’s not one I would make but you are not me

Jaessa · 05/04/2025 21:08

They lived their lives, it's time you live yours

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 05/04/2025 21:13

The "rational" answer is that you should do it. But rationality isn’t the only thing to consider. How close emotionally are you to your parents? If one of them were to die how would you feel about the one left on their own, perhaps themself not in good health? If both of them, or the remaining one, ended up having to go in a care home, would you want or feel obliged to sort out their house and visit them regularly? Three hours each way is not a journey you’d be likely to make very often. Might worry/ feelings of guilt, however irrational, spoil your new life? Sorry.

luckylavender · 05/04/2025 21:21

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 05/04/2025 20:53

With parents in their 80s, you're footsteps away from some sort of crisis and once they start it's relentless. Just bear that in mind if you're moving that far away.

My Dad was living completely independently at 82 until cancer struck. The ensuing 5 months were beyond my worst nightmare, and Dad suddenly needed help 24/7 - physical and mental support, and advocating for his care needs. There's no way I could have managed that if I hadn't lived 6 miles from him. And there's no way that I would have let him take one step of his sad journey without being by his side.

That sounds quite smug actually. I'm an only child, I live over 200 miles from my hometown. My mother died with vascular dementia the Christmas before last and my father is currently in palliative care in the local hospital. It's a waiting game. The last few years have been very tough and I work full time. But on balance, wound I have made different decisions. Definitely not. Have I done everything I could? I think so. Sorting their needs and being all over everything is like a second job.

carcassonne1 · 05/04/2025 21:49

It's not what I would do but I'm not British - where I come from, we tend to look after our elderly parents. It would never ever cross my mind to put my parent in a 'home'. But I know people here want to enjoy their lives...