Added extras on day out cost - ask first!!!

[AllYouNeedIsGloves]

As it’s Easter hols my lovely aunt and uncle and teenage cousin invited me and my two kids to a national trust place on a day out next weekend.

I wasn’t sure it they were offering to pay for us or not so I checked the prices, my eyes watered slightly (got a fixed budget for Easter holiday activities) but I decided it’d be alright.

I told my aunt (DA) that just gardens would be fine as the house cost extra was not of interest or very suitable for my age kids. She said great and would buy the tickets.

She’s now come back and said she’s bought garden tickets and also tickets for an added extra (think mini railway type thing) and that I owe more than £20 more than what I’d figured (which was more than £40).

I don’t really have an AIBU, I’m just feeling deflated and frustrated as it’s an impossible situation. DA has no money issues so just wouldn’t have thought anything except how nice the added extra would be to do. Yes the kids will enjoy it but they would have been happy with the gardens and play area. I could say to DA “you should have checked before adding cost” but that’ll just cause bad feeling.

I just wish I’d spotted the added extra on the website and told her not to bother with that, I thought I’d done enough saying the house wasn’t something we wanted to do.

So yeah I’m stuck. Just wanted to vent. Sorry mumsnet, no one else to lament to!

straight talking: you MUST get used to this. Have the "uncomfortable" talk upfront about what you can afford and what you cannot afford. Don't do that British thing where you dance around it with "not interesting" etc. Say the words "limited budget"

Because what is more uncomfortable, having that quick conversation first, or having to rebudget and miss out on (Potentially important) things later?

I would say in advance you are going to take a packed lunch , as costs have gone up and money is a bit tight, food and drink can be quite pricey .

@Nonsense10
i like that idea a lot. Going to ask if can pay back the extra cost next month as had budgeted for gardens only.
That saves face a little, and gently tells her not to do it again.

And yes definitely will take drinks and snacks. I’m quite sure they’ll treat us to an ice cream there but won’t be sitting down to lunch or anything!

Please don’t feel like this; we need people to be more open and honest about finances to avoid situations where people overspend. We need to be able to say no I can’t afford this so people are not pressured into spending money they don’t have.
She is the one who should be embarrassed. I’m retired and comfortable; if I invite younger relatives who invariably have less money than me to do something then I pay.

As @fairylizsaid, if I invited someone I would pay for them. But please, don't ever be embarrassed about lack of money. You're staying within your means, and that's quite a skill in my opinion.

Can you get your ticket money back if you take out NT membership on the day? It’s around £7.50 a month for a household and you get free entry to all NT places.

I would be honest and say sorry the train is not in my very strict budget, I just can’t afford it, can you see if you can get a refund please and we will just do the gardens

unless you are prepared to treat you should not buy extras

We wouldn’t take advantage of a season ticket I’m afraid. This isn’t a typical day out for us, a bit of a special one as don’t see DA very often. Plus it’s an hours drive and our nearest NT so we are unlikely to make the most of an annual pass.

Just wanted to add that the National Trust often have free family ticket coupons in various newspapers. Might come in handy for you Op, hope you have a lovely visit

NT and English Heritage are both very expensive and beyond the means of many families which is why they are sadly v much a middle class domain.

If your aunt didn’t explicitly offer to treat you to the day out, you were right to assume you’d be paying for your family, but it was a bit thoughtless of her to book an additional activity without checking with you, unless she was going to make that her treat. I would never add on an extra expense for someone else without checking with them first or I would say: “I’ve booked us all on the mini train too, but that’s my treat, so you just need to pay your entrance fees.”

It would be awkward for you to say anything now, but for future reference, when anyone invites you to activities, just be upfront and say you’ll have a look at the cost and let them know, to give them a heads-up that you’re on a budget.

If I were you, I’d message your aunt now though to suggest you all bring a picnic to enjoy on the day and avoid paying hefty NT cafe prices. A picnic is much more fun for children anyway and should be enjoyable for everyone if the weather is nice. If she doesn’t like that idea, just say that you’re going to bring food for yourselves anyway. You and your children can always eat home-made sandwiches al fresco even if your aunt’s family want to go and pay £12 for quiche and salad in the cafe!

I'd be inclined to say 'I've got a budget that has to cover everything we do in the holidays, so please let me know first if you want to book any extras.'

I don’t think you should ask her to cancel/refund your mini train tickets (and that might not be possible anyway) because your DC will be upset when they see the other family going on it. Plus you know they will enjoy it, so it seems a shame for them to miss out. But definitely suggest a picnic or say you are taking a packed lunch for your bunch.

This is the best approach to take now going forwards.

I’d do this - say that you hadn’t budgeted for the railway and could she ask for a refund please?

Nothing wrong with budgeting - it’s an a sign of a responsible adult

Absolutely, @pizzaHeart, and put well it doesn't have to imply "can't afford it" since even the very comfortably off don't always lash out on expensive extras just because they're there

Just say you hadn’t budgeted for that. I’m sure she won’t mind paying for you guys if she’s not got any worry troubles. Swallow your pride and let her!

Really bad form of your aunt. She didn't 'invite' you to anything. When someone issues an invitation they're the host - and they are paying.

Rant away - and don't accept any more of these 'invitations' because they can end up costing you a fortune that you never anticipated.

Maybe see if you can upgrade the tickets to a membership? They will probably let you do that and turn you could go multiple times over the next year, basically free days out.

But the OP can’t afford the train. People ‘miss out’ on all sorts of things because of money. Football matches, Disneyland.

Maybe the aunt, uncle and teenage cousin won’t go on the train ride without the OP’s children anyway.

How on earth is the OP supposed to afford to upgrade the tickets to a membership when she's going to be very stretched because of the extra train ride?

It sounds like you’re going to belton? If so it’s brilliant! You’ll have a great day .

It was just a suggestion, family membership is approx £12 per month by direct debit.

I hate when other people spend your money. It puts you in an awkward situation.

If this is someone who you’re close enough to that you plan days out with them, then it’s not unreasonable or rude to say to them “hi, I thought we’d agreed to x activity, my budget can’t stretch to y and z unfortunately as we’ve other things booked in over Easter too”