Not to send my step-mother a Mother's Day card

[vonsudenfed]

I will try and keep this short and succinct, so here goes.

I lived with my father and step-mother from the age of 8 when my parents divorced. It wasn't the happiest time - to some degree I was the family scapegoat, carrying all of the upset and unhappiness.

But the worst thing, for me, was that my father has always wanted me to treat my SM as my mother, even though my real mother is still alive. Ironically, I have always felt that my relationship with my SM would have been better without this insistence, and the resentment it causes, standing between us ( to give you one example, my father will almost never speak to me on my own on the phone, my SM is always on the line too. If I complain about this, he refuses to listen, as he sees no reason why I should mind this, or why I would want a different relationship with him than her.)

Generally, now, I am OK about the situation; have had several years of therapy, and am content in my life. I now have a dd, and am very happy for my SM to be involved with her, as she adores dd. Generally, I think our relationship is better than it ever has been.

And so, the other day, my father corners me. Why don't I send SM a mother's day card? It upsets her, he says, she has after all acted as my mother for the last 20 odd years. When I try to explain that she is not my mother, he shuts down completely and refuses to listen to my point of view.

So, do I send the card for the sake of family harmony, even though I would rather eat my own arm than acknowledge this woman as my mother? Or do I not?

I don't want to, not for her sake, but because I don't want him to win. He broke my mother's will, so that she gave us up, he's not going to break mine.

Or is there such a thing as grandparents' day? I'd happily send her a card for that.

I am now almost in tears thinking about it. I thought we were on an even keel, and I just don't know why he wants to stir all this crap up again.

don't know if it's what you would want, but they do do cards that say something along the lines of "you've been like a mother to me" which you might want to consider...

Have you told her that you feel you would get on better without your father's interference? He just wants you all to get on, but is going about it the wrong way.

Oh, I do feel for you. I am a stepmother myself, and I would hate it if dh insisted in acting htis way. I love my stepchildren, but i am not their mother.

Does your stepmother have children of her own? If so, could you arrange to do something on Mother's day, as a celebration of mothers, eg go for lunch together, as (equal) mothers?

I think there probably is a grandparents' day at some point (there is a day for everyone else...). There are probably cards you can get that are made out to stepmothers for mothers day, too (haven't looked for them, but I bet Clinton's wouldn't miss that trick) if you felt able to do that?

It's a good thought, but the problem is, she hasn't really. She cooked and organised, but never exactly nurtured me, just had constant goes at me for being fat and favoured the boys.

And the wierd thing is that we are all getting on, better than ever - even DH doesn't understand why he is stirring it up now.

Don't send one. A mother's day card is for mothers. She is not your mother and from the sound of it she didn't treat you well.

whoa. this is a pretty powerful line:
"I don't want to, not for her sake, but because I don't want him to win. He broke my mother's will, so that she gave us up, he's not going to break mine.'

if he wont speak to you without her in the convo, can you turn it round and approach her without including him? explain that you like her/have respect for her etc, but really dont feel that shes your mother? that you have one? that youd feel disloyal to your mother in doing so? you could say youd like to acknowledge her on GPs day or soemthing...

if it's the card that is the issue, you could always send her a blank card and choose your words (whether they be "thanks for making sure I was fed most of the time" or whatever you feel is appropriate) but I sense that you are resenting your dad for not just letting you get on with it.

Next time you ring them, ask him to hang up so you can talk to your SM on her own and see how he reacts...

if its the card, you could send one that says specifically 'happy mothers day to my step mother.' or happy step mothers day' with a smile or something?

I have seen mothers day cards that are addressed to the Grandma, I'm also sure that clintons will have a step mum equivalent - anything to sell another card!

A bit of googling - which I have been meaning to do for ages - throws up National Grandparents Day in September. Perhaps if I send a card then, honour will be satisfied.

And yes, NG, I was quite surprised when I wrote that too - I didn't know that was what I felt until I started writing. But I think it is true; my father has to have everything his own way, and will not acknowledge other people's feelings if they stand in the way of what he wants to do. He is always sure he is doing the right thing, though.

that sounds pretty tough to live with, V.
can you do the approaching her thing? it might help you to take some control without including him, if hes such a control freak.
you could have a nice chat with her.
and it might take the wind out of his sails a bit too.

Yes, I think that's the way forward, and I will give it a go. They're on holiday at the moment, so I will see what I can manage when they are back

My father definitely doesn't believe I have a mother. At one point in my adolescence, he and my SM travelled on separate planes when they left the three of us at home, so we wouldn't be left as orphans. At the time, it only seemed mildly odd; in retrospect, it's quite mad!

Tough situation!
I'm in a vaguely similar set up myself. My Dad re-married after my parents diverced 15 years ago (I was 14)
My step mum has never been a 'mum' to me. In fact i left home not so long after she moved in (not because of her!) so she never even had the chance to try and mother me.
I DO send her a mothers day card each year, one that just says 'happy mothers day' and nothing else on the front. I do it for her because she hasnt got kids of her own (and i know she always wanted them) and because she is a great nan to my kids and because I know she would like it.
Although, I dont get on with Dad very well at all and if he ever insisted i send step mum a card then I probably wouldnt out of principle!!

I would not send her a card. Your Mum is still alive and she gets the card..end of story.
You could give step-mum a "thank you" card.
Your dad is a bit mean trying to force you to like his new wife.
Your mum will always be YOUR mum.

I'd ask DD to make a lovely homemade card for her, and send it from your DD, using whatever name your DD calls her - granny, nan, etc.

That way you can keep the relationship between your SM and yourself out of the equation completely.

Sorry posted too soon!

What I meant to add was..

If you like your step mum, then dont let your Dads behaviour sour your friendship.
I totally agree with the others that having a quiet word with her is the way to go.
I'd tell her that you like her etc but are feeling a bit pressured by your Dad to treat her like your 'Mum' which you feel uncomfortable doing as you have aalready. Tell her she is a wonderful step mum and a valued member of your family, just not your Mum and you hope that by not sending her a mothers day card you dont offend her.

You know you can get 'to a lovely nan on mothers day' cards etc... maybe your kids could send her one on mothers day instead?

I knew the power of Mumsnet would come up with someting. That's two of you with the same light-bulb over head, blindingly brilliant idea. Of course. DD will send the card. Everyone happy, even me. Thankyou.

Hurrah!

I think your dad's main objective in all of this is to get at your mum. By forcing you to treat your SM as being equal to your real mum on mother's day he is saying that she is no less important than your mum- which is totally untrue. There've been some brilliant suggestions on here so your problem's been solved- send her something to acknowledge her role in your life, but (subtly) let them both know that your mum's still No.1 mum.

This really isn't about him winning. It seems to me that this is about you resenting him for breaking up your family and sending your mum away. Totally understandable and you might benefit from counselling to help you deal with/come to terms with that.

Could you send her a Stepmothers day card? I'm sure I've seen them in Clintons or suchlike. That way you're acknowleding her for what her relationship is to you. Put in it what you feel about her, that you're grateful for her friendship perhaps and you're happy that she's made your dad happy and that she's a great step granny (just ideas, don't want to put words in your mouth).

No solutions for your dad but do you think he's so insistent because he loves you both so dearly and is/has been desperate for you to get along and be close? Also he may feel that if you lived with them from the age of 8 you really should see her as more of a mother figure (not your mother but something close) as she will have contributed to bringing you up and caring for you. Perhaps you could explain to him that his interference has stopped you forming a good relationship with your stepmum and that he needs to back off else you'll never be able to.

At the moment he may well be 'winning' as he's using this to control you emotionally and keep you as the 'child'. Perhaps if you took him out of the equation and decided on the relationhip YOU wanted with your step mum as an adult he would't have the opportunity IYSWIM. Not sure I've explained that very well.

Interesting questions - this is really making me think in order to explain it clearly - thank you.

My father is charming, intelligent and not, in the main, a bully. But I think of him as being a sailing ship in full rig - beautiful, fast and elegant. But the hatches are nailed down and he will never, ever acknowledge what lies below the waterline.

Mrs Danvers, you are right, but he is more extreme than you say. He would like, in his mind, to write my mother out of history and for my stepmother to have been his first wife. To give an example, he would never ever let me look at photos of before the divorce - if I said I wanted to see old photos, they would start when my SM arrived. I used to sneak into the dining room and look at the old photos myself. He is not doing this consciously, he just wants the world to be as he has imagined it.

He once said to me that he wished he'd never met my mother. I had to point out to him that this would mean that I didn't exist. He didn't really apologise.

There is no point- I decided a long time ago - in confronting this directly. He would not hear me, just as he did not hear me about speaking to him alone on the phone. But if I send SM a mother's day card, he will believe that he was right all along.

I have had a good chunk of therapy - and it's helped a lot. I don't think I am the child any more, or indeed angry much of the time. But that's one of the wierd things, that he has chosen to stir it up again. I do believe that he wants to win - or rather that he needs to make his version of history the one in the books.

I'm not angry with him for breaking up the family either; I am furious - sometimes - with my mother for giving in to him and leaving us, but I was desperately dependent on him as a child, because I was so afraid that he might leave too.

It will, however, make a cracking novel one day .

Don't be angry with your mother, he sounds like a very difficult man to live with and probably bullied your mum. I'm sure she was devastated at having to leave you behind but perhaps he gave her no choice. Have you ever asked her what her side of the story is? Do you see much of her now?

I'm not really angry with my mother - it's more that, in the past, that's where the anger was.

My father was the strong one, my mother damaged by her own family (there's a whole book just in that). But his competence didn't make her feel better, in the end it just made her feel more and more stupid and useless, and so he acted more and more competent, until her self-belief was eroded away.

I do see her - I was probably closest to her in my 20s (a while ago!). She became very depressed when her mother died in 2000, and has not been herself since then. I've helped her find counselling, and she is better, but now just taking ADs for the first time.

For some reason - there are reasons, but if I wrote it all out I would take pages - she adores dd but is also scared of her (and, perhaps the emotions she evokes) and so has only come down twice since dd was born 18 months ago. I won't take dd up to her as she smokes like a factory and to be honest the house is falling down as she does nothing when depressed. I have tried to help loads, but it just ends up with me bustling round being efficient like my father and making her more depressed. It's better when my brother does it; and anyway, I can't do much now with dd there.

And I do talk to her a lot -although less now as I tend to see her with DH too. She's told me a lot of stories about her past and her family, but, to her credit, refuses to badmouth my father. She just says that he could have looked after us better than she could. And I am sure this is what she believes.

I think you are to be congratulated, Von, for sorting things out in your way, and long may you continue to do so. I feel any issues are your father's, and thersfore they are up to him to sort out. You have your life and may it be a happy one.
Love Humphrey's home-made card idea xx

It sounds like you and your mother have both had a difficult life, Von but you seem to have coped better than her. Has she got any support for when you're not there? If not, do you think that some could be arranged? It's a shame that what has been done to her by other people is causing problems with her DGD, when she (and you) should now be a great source of pleasure to her.

Be true to yourself. What would you genuinely do if you father didn't run interference?

I have a close, religious relative that believed I would go to hell because I was 'living in sin' and said "If your mother were alive..." as if she knew my mother's mind more than I did, grr. Conversely, it made me very resistant to the idea of marriage until I realised SHE was dictating my feelings on the issue, which was stupid.

And I know what you mean, I too have a father who reinvents the past; which normally he does not do in my presence as I will correct him. He makes a joke of my plain speaking but his whole family are excellent at finessing unpleasant truths & boastful stories. However, I had to grit my teeth when he did one of his revisionist reworkings of our lives in his father of the bride speech at my wedding - the one time he knew I couldn't & wouldn't challenge him.