I will try and keep this short and succinct, so here goes.
I lived with my father and step-mother from the age of 8 when my parents divorced. It wasn't the happiest time - to some degree I was the family scapegoat, carrying all of the upset and unhappiness.
But the worst thing, for me, was that my father has always wanted me to treat my SM as my mother, even though my real mother is still alive. Ironically, I have always felt that my relationship with my SM would have been better without this insistence, and the resentment it causes, standing between us ( to give you one example, my father will almost never speak to me on my own on the phone, my SM is always on the line too. If I complain about this, he refuses to listen, as he sees no reason why I should mind this, or why I would want a different relationship with him than her.)
Generally, now, I am OK about the situation; have had several years of therapy, and am content in my life. I now have a dd, and am very happy for my SM to be involved with her, as she adores dd. Generally, I think our relationship is better than it ever has been.
And so, the other day, my father corners me. Why don't I send SM a mother's day card? It upsets her, he says, she has after all acted as my mother for the last 20 odd years. When I try to explain that she is not my mother, he shuts down completely and refuses to listen to my point of view.
So, do I send the card for the sake of family harmony, even though I would rather eat my own arm than acknowledge this woman as my mother? Or do I not?
I don't want to, not for her sake, but because I don't want him to win. He broke my mother's will, so that she gave us up, he's not going to break mine.
Or is there such a thing as grandparents' day? I'd happily send her a card for that.
I am now almost in tears thinking about it. I thought we were on an even keel, and I just don't know why he wants to stir all this crap up again.