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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DP could be a bit more caring

39 replies

greentreesgrowing · 04/04/2025 10:13

I’m not well, been ill all week, so past any contagious stage. Been tired, achy muscles, have hayfever too so snotty and generally run down. DP doesn’t live with me and has had his child for the past few days at his. Child is back at their mums from today but she has a party to go to so wants DP to have him again sat & sun.

I asked DP if he can come up, he could bring some food as I’ve not really had energy to cook. He’s said there’s no point as he’s getting his kid tomorrow - he lives half an hour away.

I’m hurt that he doesn’t see looking after me as something worth the effort. AIBU or just extra touchy?

OP posts:
Dawnchorussinging · 04/04/2025 10:23

It's really quite chilling the number of Partners and husbands in MN threads who don't even show common concern or caring for their supposed loved one.

Yes if he cared about you at all I would expect him to actually want to come and see you. To want to see if there was something, something small even, that he could do to help you while you are ill.

So many men are only interested in a fully functioning woman, not one who is unwell or inacapicitated in any way

Hope you are feeling better soon OP..

LittleGreenDragons · 04/04/2025 12:03

I can see why he doesn't want to visit you as nobody will know when you stop being infectious. Seven days is not an automatic cut off point.

However I am surprised he hasn't offered to get you some easy to cook items from the supermarket and leave them on your doorstep. That would hurt me too.

Original poster
greentreesgrowing · 04/04/2025 12:50

He’s called me to see if I’m ok but that’s not enough in my opinion. He hasn’t mentioned anything about me being infectious, just that he’s getting his kid the next day so the back and forth is long for him.

I have messaged him saying a partner would normally check in, take care of you, bring you food etc - that was two hours ago and he hasn’t replied.

I think that saying, ‘when he shows you who he is, believe him’, is so apparent here. If I was pregnant or seriously ill, how would he behave then?

I seriously think I need to reconsider this relationship, this isn’t the only thing that has gotten to me in the last week. Only tricky factor is we have a business together and I’m reliant on him for that. If I end it, he will likely walk away and I’ll be screwed - not that thats a reason to stay with him.

OP posts:
marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 04/04/2025 13:08

You are at the end of a cold. You’ll live!

MellowPinkDeer · 04/04/2025 13:10

I think if someone posted in Mn that a guy was prioritising his partner over his kid there would be actual outrage.

you’ll be fine.

DenholmElliot11 · 04/04/2025 13:20

Hmmm I dunno. Can you not sort out some nice food for yourself? Without having to rely on anyone else. Yeah, it would be nice if he rocked up with a takeaway without being asked though.

HowToBuy · 04/04/2025 13:26

So he’s had his children during the week, has one evening off, and then collecting him again tomorrow. I would imagine he wants downtime without having to drive to yours for the evening to sit by your bedside while you’re ill. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. He’s been checking in with you, you’re an adult who’s feeling a bit poorly, you can surely look after yourself?

would it be nice if he called to you with food and sat by your sick bed? Sure. But I don’t think he’s wrong for not spending his free evening beside you when you’re sick.

can he not call to you with his son? Have you not met his son? And if you haven’t, how do you have a business together?

ExtraOnions · 04/04/2025 13:28

It’s a cold … get a delivery, and get on with life.

owlexpress · 04/04/2025 13:40

Partner, or boyfriend..? Either way, he's busy. Get a takeaway, stick a film on and enjoy a quiet night.

Swiftie1878 · 04/04/2025 13:43

I can’t say this would bother me. You’re getting better, so just get on with it.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 13:44

He could well not want to infect himself, then his kid, which would end up a logistical nightmare.
I agree he could've sent you a takeaway or something food shopping. But you can just order those yourself anyway?
I hope you feel better soon x

MrsCastle · 04/04/2025 13:49

I agree with other posters - you’re an adult you can fend for yourself. he doesn’t live with you or nearby and he has his kids

he has shown concern by ringing you

Crazycatlady79 · 04/04/2025 13:49

If I was pregnant or seriously ill, how would he behave then?

Yes, but you're not bloody pregnant or seriously ill, are you?

He's had his child and now has the weekend ahead with his child.

He's stayed in touch to see how you are doing.

I think you're being very unreasonable.

pikkumyy77 · 04/04/2025 13:52

greentreesgrowing · 04/04/2025 12:50

He’s called me to see if I’m ok but that’s not enough in my opinion. He hasn’t mentioned anything about me being infectious, just that he’s getting his kid the next day so the back and forth is long for him.

I have messaged him saying a partner would normally check in, take care of you, bring you food etc - that was two hours ago and he hasn’t replied.

I think that saying, ‘when he shows you who he is, believe him’, is so apparent here. If I was pregnant or seriously ill, how would he behave then?

I seriously think I need to reconsider this relationship, this isn’t the only thing that has gotten to me in the last week. Only tricky factor is we have a business together and I’m reliant on him for that. If I end it, he will likely walk away and I’ll be screwed - not that thats a reason to stay with him.

All the more reason to split, actually. He is fucking the help, or you are. That is a recipe for disaster.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 04/04/2025 13:53

we have a business together and I’m reliant on him for that. If I end it, he will likely walk away and I’ll be screwed

It's never a good idea to be dependent on a man without a marriage contract. Can you look into getting a different job?

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 04/04/2025 13:55

You're not pregnant nor seriously ill. You're at the tail end of a cold with some hay fever, that's not pleasant I'm sure but you want him to drop everything, mop your brow and bring you dinner?

I think that saying, ‘when he shows you who he is, believe him’, is so apparent here You don't think he could think the same, that you're pissed off with him for doing nothing wrong? That this is how needy you are?

Paganpentacle · 04/04/2025 13:55

So you're a bit virally- have hay fever and can't cook yourself some food?
Wow.

TwistedWonder · 04/04/2025 13:57

Crazycatlady79 · 04/04/2025 13:49

If I was pregnant or seriously ill, how would he behave then?

Yes, but you're not bloody pregnant or seriously ill, are you?

He's had his child and now has the weekend ahead with his child.

He's stayed in touch to see how you are doing.

I think you're being very unreasonable.

Agree. It’s like no one on MN has heard of Deliveroo or JustEat and they’ll starve to death if their bf doesn’t come running to mop their fevered brow.

If you get involved with a partner with DC, you have to accept that the kids will come first.

I think you’re being over dramatic tbh

Whatthewhatwhatwhat · 04/04/2025 13:57

This wouldn’t bother me unless I was extremely ill. Order a takeaway, make a sandwich, eat some cereal – whatever gets you through. An hour is a long round trip for someone with his hands full.

Sofiewoo · 04/04/2025 13:59

You don’t live together, driving half an hour each way after work on a Friday just to bring you food that you could order is a bit much. Hes busy in the morning and presumably doesn’t want to stay over due to that.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 04/04/2025 13:59

So you are too ill to cook?
But clearly you are well enough to use the internet. Order on JustEat or something and give the guy a break!

unless this is a final straw type scenario and he is always a useless, inconsiderate dick , the yabvu

Moonnstars · 04/04/2025 14:02

YABU. You are under the weather not dying. He has explained his reasons for not coming which seem pretty reasonable.

How long have you been together? How long has the business been running for and what is it? Do you have an arrangement as equal partners for it?

HygerTyger · 04/04/2025 14:04

I really don't think this is about food, it's easy enough to get a takeaway. Op just wants some TLC from her partner. I bet he wasn't this uncaring when you first started dating.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/04/2025 14:05

Only tricky factor is we have a business together and I’m reliant on him for that. If I end it, he will likely walk away and I’ll be screwed

^^ That is your problem. In fact it's a fucking HUGE problem and probably why you are deflecting your worry onto him not feeding/caring for you. Concentrate on getting out of this dynamic and being less financially reliant on anyone else in future.

FateReset · 04/04/2025 14:07

As a father, he needs to put his child first, especially after a breakup (divorce or family split ups are traumatic for children, they need extra care and time with each parent to help them adjust).

Be careful not to come between him and his child. It's not about his ex wife's party, it's about not making his son feel unwanted. Not bouncing child back and forth because neither wants to parent that weekend. How would child feel if mum didn't want him because she has a party, and dad won't have him because his new girlfriend's under the weather.

If you stay with him, accept his children's needs are more important than yours. Even if you're married and have kids together, your child won't 'replace' his first son or keep your stepson away.

Sorry you're feeling drained and ill. It's hard when you don't have a supportive spouse or family around to help. But I think you're being unreasonable and self centred to expect him to prioritze you over his child.