To move DD6.5 to a private primary school because I am a solo parent

[Endoftheroad12345]

I realise private schooling is a polarising issue and tbh I never in a million years thought I would ever consider sending my kids to one, let alone for primary.

My kids DS10.5 and DD nearly 7 are at a small local Catholic school (not UK). I’m nominally Catholic. It’s a 5 minute drive down the road, school starts at 9 and you cannot drop kids off before 8.30. The school is OK, although not great and over the last year or two some of the best teachers have left and a number of families have pulled their kids out. There is no homework at all and the kids are in “modern learning environments” which have 70-80 kids in a large space with 3 teachers. DS hates it. I definitely don’t think it’s a five star learning environment but both the kids are bright, no learning difficulties, they come from a home with educated parents, plenty of books - I’ve never been overly concerned.

ExH and I broke up nearly 3 years ago. He was/is pretty awful, has the kids EoW but otherwise doesn’t do much. All the parenting is left to me - play dates, doctor appointments, sports, clothes buying, showing up at school assemblies, Christmas - you name it. I would rather they were with me than 50:50 but it’s a lot.

I also have an enormous job as a senior manager in a big corporate. I am often on calls early on the morning and in the evening. My work is not that flexible although it’s corporate so I can take work home (lucky me 😂). I’m in the office 5 days a week although luckily we’re quite central so home is about a 15 minute drive from work off peak. I have wrap around care in the form of a morning nanny who lives with us (she’s been our nanny for years but has a proper 9-5 job i addition to working for us)and a babysitter who brings the kids home after school. I don’t have any family support - my mum means well but is not particularly practical and doesn’t like driving across town.

Next year, DS10 will move on to the local Catholic boys school that is 2 stops away on the train. It’s very well regarded, lots of opportunities for sports and extra curricular and I think he will love it and thrive there.

I’m getting a bit worried about DD missing out as I’m so stretched with work and being a solo parent. She’s a really bright engaged little girl who loves getting involved in different things and sometimes I feel like I’m failing her as I just can’t do the things other mums do, I just don’t have the capacity to ferry her around to sports, music, dance etc.

I’ve started wondering whether I should shift her to a private school that offers all the amazing extras on site at the school to give her the opportunities I don’t have capacity for. The option that I am looking at is about 5km/20 minutes drive across town, glowing reviews from all the parents I’ve spoke to and would take her to the end of primary where she would then switch back to the Catholic girls school (I went there so she’s almost guaranteed a place). Ex has said he’s be prepared to pay half the fees. The school is a 5 minute walk from my mum’s house, so even though my mum has been spectacularly unhelpful for my whole life as a parent, I think it’s realistic to expect she would be able to help out a bit with after school care. Between this and the fact that this school starts earlier (8am) I’d save quite a bit on childcare. Which would go towards the private school fees.

DD is not unhappy at school and seems to enjoy it, has girls she plays with it and a circle of friends although no one particular - her best school friend was pulled out last year as she had dyslexia and the school wasn’t interested 🫠

God this is a novel. Is it a good idea to pull DD out of small underwhelming but friendly local school and send her to excellent private school 5km away largely for the extra sport/music/cultural opportunities, a bit more special attention and the wrap around care?

Do what is right for you and dd

that’s what I’m trying to figure out 😂

You said DS hates the school. I would be worried about resentment breeding if he has had to stay in a school he hated throughout primary and his sister was allowed to go to an expensive private school instead

It sounds like you think you should move her? All your reasons sound sensible. The only bit I wouldn’t rely on is your mum providing childcare. Leopards don’t tend to change their spots and all that.

Are you morally opposed to private education but now it seems to be the only option you want others to tell you it’s okay? If so I really can’t stand private education, but what others do with their money is of no concern to me.

My other question would be, does the private school stop at the end of primary or is there a senior school as well? If it has a senior school I’d tread carefully, unless you are able to fund it for the whole of her education (plus potentially your son as well).

Sorry - he doesn’t hate the school, he hates the “modern learning environment” (massive open plan classroom) as it’s so noisy and distracting. He otherwise likes the school and would not want to change, he’s happy there (although he’s definitely coasting and I think the step up to next year will be a shock).

Totally agree it would be unfair to pull her out and leave him there - would do it at the end of the year when he moves to his new school (we are not UK - the school year aligns with the calendar year).

Yes I have always been a bit opposed to private education, not vehemently so but more in a “why would you bother”/affluenza/so many better things you could spent your money on so yes I feel like a hypocrite. And yes you make a valid point about my mum.

Yes, the plan would be for DD to go to catholic girls high school - I’m an old girl so she’s pretty much guaranteed a place. So 4 years private primary. And DS would start his new school next year and that would take him through to uni. There’s no question of him needing to go private as there are multiple excellent grammar school options available in addition to the excellent catholic boys high school.

One of the key reasons DS went to private school is that the wraparound was set up with the expectation that both DPs were likely to be working, whereas the local state school had much less links/provisions for reliable after school and holiday care.
People are free to have whatever views they want about private schooling, but ultimately what matters is you and your family, so do what’s best for that.

Yes I didn’t realise how much better private is in that regard. They have onsite after school care in the likely event my mum flakes 😂 - great facilities eg tennis courts, outdoor swimming pool, art studios etc - compared to the scuzzy YMCA after school care the kids were going to last year before I found the teenage babysitter.

I don't think you should expect /assume your mum will help out - that's taking the pee - so if you do this you need to make sure that you and her father can make it work logistically without imposing on someone else.

You can afford it
It suits dd
It suits you

No question really !

Is this in the UK? And the Catholic school is a state school?

If so, I am really really surprised they can give priority admissions to the children of former pupils.

I really don’t think it’s taking the piss to think that my able bodied mother who lives 400m from the school could occasionally have her granddaughter walk to her house and sit in her living room until I can collect her?

I’ve never asked anything of my parents ever but I really don’t think that’s imposing … if a grandparent can’t manage that you might as well be estranged.

No it’s not in the UK, and yes Catholic schools here absolutely can and do give priority to sons/daughters of alumnae. It’s an excellent revenue strategy for them 😂

Seems like a no-brainer to me. And it won't necessarily cause resentment with your DS if you handle it the right way since he'll be getting an excellent education anyway and his sister will be going state for senior. I'm not sure children think that way unless the disparity is huge and a disproportionate amount of resources has been invested in one child while the other misses out.

The one thing I would like to ask about is - you talk about DD missing out on hobbies/extracurriculars etc. because of your work? Has your DS missed out? I think those things, and being supported in them by parents who show an interest, is often more important to kids than the school thing, so that's where I'd spend money to make up the disparity if you've been too busy up till now to facilitate them for your DS.

I feel like DS hasn’t missed out so much, although the split has been hard on him in other ways. I’ve always worked, but had periods of more flexibility/part time when DS was younger, and he was 8 when exH and I split whereas DD was 4.5 - all she really remembers is me being solo and working a lot. Don’t get me wrong - I count myself super lucky to have the job and career I do. I was able to buy exH out of the family home, we can still have nice holidays etc - I don’t feel flush but we have a nice life, I don’t feel like the kids go without and that’s all because of my work.

I do try to front up at things - I make sure I go to assemblies and prize givings when I can, I show up when they are getting a prize or making a speech at school and recently I’ve been trying to pick them up one afternoon and take them to tennis lessons after school. But it’s pretty ad hoc I’m always at the mercy of work and often scrambling between calls and meetings. The kids each do a weekend sport and I literally don’t have capacity for anything else.

@CrispieCake I always take an interest e.g. DS plays cricket and I go to the games, prize giving, practice, take him to see international games etc. So I try to give them my attention - I just don’t have any time to drive them to swimming lessons, piano, dance etc - all the extras where they might like to try things out. I see friends with less full-on jobs taking their kids to activities 3-4 afternoons a week, or friend's husbands coaching their kids' footballs teams - my kids don't have that (but they so have some nice things that other kids don't have). I guess I'm hoping/wondering whether this school and all
it offers
might fill that gap a bit? Or am I being a neurotic overworked middle
class parent and throwing money at a problem when the only answer is more time 😔

@Endoftheroad12345 . You can only do your best!

If sending DD to the private school is going to ensure she gets to do her hobbies, while making life easier for you so you have more to give the kids at weekends, then that definitely feels like a good outcome.

What about arsehole ex? Could he not do one activity a week with them, if you picked one that interested him too?

Quite a few Parents at the Prep for my DC's Private school chose it due to wrap around, I looked into ti when DD was tiny and I would probably have saved money sending her there at 3 vs Nursery (did neither in the end).
Just be aware of the transition from Private Primary to State Secondary which can be a bit of a leap.
I would probably also wait until your DS leaves if thats possible
And, don't base any decisions on your Mum helping out
Finally, if your ex stops paying is it still doable?

It sounds crazy to deny your child the education you think she will thrive on just because you would feel like a hypocrite.

And completely ignores the advantages other children may have in terms of parents with more time, an involved dad, involved grandparents.

I'm not saying your kids are suffering from the lack of those things, OP, as they have you and you're doing pretty well for them. But your job is to put them first while trying to stay sane yourself!

Things that might worry me-
if your mum is useless, she’ll stay useless- don’t expect her to step up;
are there kids going from the private school to the catholic secondary? If not I would be a bit concerned with DD starting anew there with friends;
will you be able to afford it if ex changes his mind about fees?

Also I am not trying to make you feel guilty but this does sound a bit… relentless. Like you’re using a good school to make you feel less guilty about working so much. My kids have needed me around in the evenings in early secondary and what you may find is that your DD just wants a bit more contact with you. Is there an option to dial down the work a bit for 5 years and then pick it up once she’s mid-secondary?

I really don’t think it’s taking the piss to think that my able bodied mother who lives 400m from the school could occasionally have her granddaughter walk to her house and sit in her living room until I can collect her?

Honestly, I would 100% not assume this will be fine. At the very least chat to your mum and see if she can give a clear yes, that’s fine. If she starts coming up with issues or “yes but it won’t work if x, y, z” assume it’s a no go.

I am always home by 5.30 - 6 generally at the latest. It’s just that I frequently need to get in evening calls - it has been an unusually crazy time at my work, evening calls are not the norm but 8am meetings are.

The only way I could dial back work would be to sell the house and downsize the mortgage, and the only way I could do that would be to move further out, away from schools, longer commute, not as well connected for public transport - so still disruptive and I think the kids would be distraught to leave their home, I fought hard to keep it. I do really love my work too - I have a fascinating job and I’m really good at what I do. I just wish I could clone myself 😵‍💫

I’m definitely thinking about the school as a way to assuage my mum guilt. Yes girls do go from the private primary to the Catholic secondary - the catholic secondary is basically a faux private school for a quarter of the price.