To move DD6.5 to a private primary school because I am a solo parent

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I realise private schooling is a polarising issue and tbh I never in a million years thought I would ever consider sending my kids to one, let alone for primary.

My kids DS10.5 and DD nearly 7 are at a small local Catholic school (not UK). I’m nominally Catholic. It’s a 5 minute drive down the road, school starts at 9 and you cannot drop kids off before 8.30. The school is OK, although not great and over the last year or two some of the best teachers have left and a number of families have pulled their kids out. There is no homework at all and the kids are in “modern learning environments” which have 70-80 kids in a large space with 3 teachers. DS hates it. I definitely don’t think it’s a five star learning environment but both the kids are bright, no learning difficulties, they come from a home with educated parents, plenty of books - I’ve never been overly concerned.

ExH and I broke up nearly 3 years ago. He was/is pretty awful, has the kids EoW but otherwise doesn’t do much. All the parenting is left to me - play dates, doctor appointments, sports, clothes buying, showing up at school assemblies, Christmas - you name it. I would rather they were with me than 50:50 but it’s a lot.

I also have an enormous job as a senior manager in a big corporate. I am often on calls early on the morning and in the evening. My work is not that flexible although it’s corporate so I can take work home (lucky me 😂). I’m in the office 5 days a week although luckily we’re quite central so home is about a 15 minute drive from work off peak. I have wrap around care in the form of a morning nanny who lives with us (she’s been our nanny for years but has a proper 9-5 job i addition to working for us)and a babysitter who brings the kids home after school. I don’t have any family support - my mum means well but is not particularly practical and doesn’t like driving across town.

Next year, DS10 will move on to the local Catholic boys school that is 2 stops away on the train. It’s very well regarded, lots of opportunities for sports and extra curricular and I think he will love it and thrive there.

I’m getting a bit worried about DD missing out as I’m so stretched with work and being a solo parent. She’s a really bright engaged little girl who loves getting involved in different things and sometimes I feel like I’m failing her as I just can’t do the things other mums do, I just don’t have the capacity to ferry her around to sports, music, dance etc.

I’ve started wondering whether I should shift her to a private school that offers all the amazing extras on site at the school to give her the opportunities I don’t have capacity for. The option that I am looking at is about 5km/20 minutes drive across town, glowing reviews from all the parents I’ve spoke to and would take her to the end of primary where she would then switch back to the Catholic girls school (I went there so she’s almost guaranteed a place). Ex has said he’s be prepared to pay half the fees. The school is a 5 minute walk from my mum’s house, so even though my mum has been spectacularly unhelpful for my whole life as a parent, I think it’s realistic to expect she would be able to help out a bit with after school care. Between this and the fact that this school starts earlier (8am) I’d save quite a bit on childcare. Which would go towards the private school fees.

DD is not unhappy at school and seems to enjoy it, has girls she plays with it and a circle of friends although no one particular - her best school friend was pulled out last year as she had dyslexia and the school wasn’t interested 🫠

God this is a novel. Is it a good idea to pull DD out of small underwhelming but friendly local school and send her to excellent private school 5km away largely for the extra sport/music/cultural opportunities, a bit more special attention and the wrap around care?

You are going to ask her before you decide anything though... Right?

Of course I have chatted to her about it. My dad died last year so I think she likes the idea of DD being nearby. If things are easy (i.e. she doesn’t need to drive/do anything logistical/make any meals/put kids to bed) she is quite happy to help. I’ve never asked her for help before because my sister lives closer and has 3 children and has kind of used up the mum quota for help, and also she (Mum) is quite chaotic - will show up to help but leave the house a bomb site so it was just not worth the inevitable stress and tension with my exH.

I used private school for dc when I became a single parent carer (my dc got large bursaries at secondary). The advantages were practical not academic. No packed lunches to do they were fed proper meals at school. No ferrying to activities the school had minibuses and did all of that it it was in-house. Longer school days so no need for childcare. Medical staff for any minor issues - almost never sent home ill. Minimal homework help needed. At home life was dominated by a profoundly disabled sibling and private school definitely took some of the strain off me and meant dc didn’t miss out on extra curricular / fun stuff which they otherwise would have. I would never have considered private school but life challenges meant it was a good solution for everyone.

Yes I will not be committing to usurious private school fees and expecting my mum to do all
pick ups without checking with her 😂

It sounds sensible to me and like you can afford it, I'd get on with organising it.

This is super helpful intel - thank you

Your plans make good sense - have a friend that did the same due to the before and after school care on offer . What you must do is speak to your mum about your expectations as that seems quite crucial . Also can you afford it without contribution from your ex and do you have a plan if you were made redundant ?

Good points. It would be pretty tough without contribution from ex but I think it’s extremely unlikely he’d reneg. I’m pretty sure his mum will pay his share anyway and while he doesn’t care about me, his external
image is v important to him so I can’t see him embarrassing himself in that way.

I’d pay upfront each year I think to hedge the redundancy risk - I have savings but worst case I’d need to get ex to cover and pay him back and/or borrow against the house. I’ve never been unemployed in >2 decades of working but hope for the best and plan for the worst!

It’s a good point though - I’m only doing it because it’s a limited period - DD is the youngest and it’s only 4 years. If it was from now until the end of school years and there were younger siblings I’d be much more nervous about the commitment.

My parents did the same for me as a child.
It didn't work out so well for me because I lost my entire friendship group (they all went to the associated High School). We had been a really tight knit group for years.
I had to start at a completely new school and try to break in to established friendship groups. I was also way ahead of my new class which meant I was bored a lot and that in itself was very isolating.
I left school with good marks and went on to get my degree but I never really recovered socially.

You do whatever works best for you and your child. Other people's opinions are not relevant.

I'm a single mum and have a career that involves some travel. My ds goes to a small independent, that offers evening /occasional boarding, so if I am stuck behind a closed motorway or a points failure or a cancelled flight, I can call the school and ask them to give him his tea, or keep him overnight.

No-one else has ever offered me any support, my ex won't lift a finger because he wants to starve us back to him, but the school has been absolutely brilliant. They are my very effective safety net and mean I can continue to provide for myself and my son.

Who cares what others think. They aren't in the same situation.

As a grandmother, I would not be happy with the assumption that I would pick up the slack by looking after your daughter after school. I have a life and am not available every evening. I certainly expect to go away at short notice during school term time.

Thanks @Meadowfinch that is really helpful. What a brilliant solution for you and your son. Part of my reasoning is that our amazing nanny has been that for us - she is really more of a co parent than exH will ever be - but she is 24, and nannying is not her career, I can’t expect her to put her life on hold for me and the kids.

I wouldn’t dream of assuming anything @Cyclistmumgrandma I have discussed with my mum and she seems genuinely delighted about the idea of seeing more of DD - my dad died in November and she has been offering to help me more since then, but I’ve been reluctant to take her up on it as getting her to drive across town to mine and do pick ups and look after the kids at my house all felt a bit hard.

is the nanny situation actually working if you have to also pay a babysitter?

It is, because I need wrap around care. The nanny has been with us for 5 years, she lives in during the week, takes the kids to school and can look after them overnight if I need to travel. She just can’t do school pick ups. The kids (and I) love her, we have been so lucky that she’s stayed with us over the last few years. She started with us as a part time uni student when exH and I were still together.

The alternative is a proper nanny at both ends but (i) not many nannies want to do 2 hours in the morning and 3-4 in the afternoon and (ii) the cost of a full time nanny for 2 primary aged kids is more than that of private school fees - and exH wouldn’t pay half.

I also don’t think you can assume your mother will be willing to look after your dc, and think it’s slightly cheeky to assume this. Being a grandparent doesn’t oblige you look after a grandchild.

Sorry, just saw your update where you gave discussed this with your mother.

But there’s a difference between asking and her agreeing and you just expecting and throwing it upon her.

grandparents have no moral obligation to look after grandkids and so many people take the piss and do this to their poor parents. They’ve had their kids, some can choose to help out that’s great but some also enjoy their new childfree freedom and that’s also ok.

its pretty a hole to do things and expect it without that person ageeing beforehand

I haven’t assumed this, I’ve talked to her, she would be a back up support I’m not expecting her to be in loco parentis

Also this is such a weird thing to seize on - that a grandmother would object to seeing their 6 year old grand daughter at a school that is virtually next door?? I’ve never expected any help of any kind from my mum but she does like seeing her grandchildren as long as any effort required on her part is minimal.

I have spoken to her about it.

How does your daughter feel about moving school?

This is the hard part. She likes school and seems happy there. If I wasn’t a solo mum (or had a good co-parenting relationship with an involved exH), I’d err towards leaving her there despite the fact it’s. not the most amazing educational facility in the world, as I’d look to fill the gaps with extras outside of school.

When I floated the idea with her, she was at first excited (because the school looks amazing, and because her second cousin who the same age as her goes there), then upset because she would miss her friends. So it’s not a case of pulling a child out of a school where they are desperately unhappy. But I do feel that if I do it, I should do it for the start of the new school year (i.e. January 2026) so that she and DS both start new schools at the same time and she has a good amount of time to settle in there and form new friendships before the next transition to high school at Year 7. She will be year 3 next year.

p.s. thank you everyone who has posted, writing out my long winded posts has really helped me organise my thoughts on this

I do think the private school definitely sounds like the best option for both you and your DD. Go for a look round!

You're in Australia I guess OP.

I went to an indie/private school in Aus and I loved it. My mum was a single mum and I even did a bit of flexi boarding before flexi boarding was a common thing (back in the early 2000s) as my mum travelled for work and had no where to put me 😄

Going to that type of school changed my life for the best.

Do you mind sharing how much you're on? I pay $AU70k for two primary aged DC on a salary of $AU200k (but this is my only responsibility, DH pays everything else. Also we are not in Aus, I just converted back to AUD).

I’m in NZ @expat321 so close enough! My salary would be high 200s AUD plus a small amount extra in child support. I have a whopping mortgage but a decent amount of equity and we manage a nice middle class life with hols etc off that amount, we are not high rollers though! Groceries here are exorbitant.

Fees for this school are about $30k aussie a year (when you factor in uniforms, laptop etc) - and I would split it with exH. (The v prestigious Catholic high school I went to by comparison is about $7K a year so you can see the benefits to keeping the faith 😂). I currently pay about $15K a year for childcare so it feels manageable. ExH wouldn’t stump up more for childcare but has said he will for private school so 🤷🏼‍♀️