to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

Yes - I literally put that in my post - that it was ridiculous that the SIL and his wife even agreed to private school, riding lessons etc. for the younger 2 in the first place. I made a great point of saying the bigger concern here is their behaviour, not OPs.

I don't consider it "treating a child cruelly" to buy your own grandchild a gift and not buy an unrelated child one. Why would the unrelated child even expect one?

They should expect one from their own grandparent.

But on most threads where step mothers talk about inheritance it's made clear they intend to only split their half of the house between their biological children. So presumably if you expect the grandparents to include step grandchildren they will be included in the parent/step parent will as exactly equal.

You are funny! Strange how Op should tie herself in knots to treat all the kids the same when their own father didn't.

Honestly, some people lose the plot when the word 'step' is mentioned

It’s quite reasonable and loving and typical for gp to want to leave their gc something and help them out.
it’s ridiculous if gp have saved to help with the deposit on a house for the gc they’ve helped raise from birth to suddenly be expected to not hold onto this life long dream of how to spend their money and instead leave it to their dc to divide it up with adult DSC whom the gp may have only known for 2-3 years before they die.
the idea that people can’t choose where to leave their money is barbatic. Next you’ll be saying old people shouldn’t have the right to leave their money to a dear friend or charity either as other friends and charities will be unfairly neglected.

and how unfair is it that some offspring will inherit from 4 sets of gp whilst others only have 2. It’s like you feel SC deserve more. Even if they only became SC in adulthood 🙄

I literally put this in my original post on the previous page - that it was ridiculous that the SIL and his wife even agreed to private school, riding lessons etc. for the younger 2 in the first place. I made a great point of saying the bigger concern here is their behaviour, not OPs. But OP asked the question, so I answered.

Ah, ‘Be Kind’. The war cry of the Huns really has changed quite a lot in the centuries since they sacked Italy.

‘My view’ is that if it’s not my family then it’s not my business. I’m not inclined to tell anyone what they ‘should’ be doing/thinking/feeling when it comes to their personal relationships.

Adopted children are not analogous to stepchildren. ‘Stepparent’ is not a legal relationship, whereas a parent to an adopted is legally their parent.

There’s no reason why OP’s daughter is required to deny her own children the financial benefits she and her family are able and willing to provide for them.

Well, I've said what I would do in your shoes. You've asked if you are being unreasonable, and I have responded to your question. But you've clearly made up your mind and think that your approach is fine. At this point I think all we can do is agree to disagree.

I think it really depends on the situation. My dad has raised my older half siblings from them being babies and never made any distinction between them and his biological children, my grandparents treated them as their own grandchildren too. They had no contact with their biological father or any of their bio father's family.

Completely different if you are blending families with older children/teenagers who are still in contact/living between both parents and have their own grandparents on both their mother's and father's sides.

You think it’s fair to remove dc from the school they’ve attended for years that their gp pay for because they have step siblings now?
how horrible is that? Wow. Way to set your dc for future therapy. Took away their stability and friendship groups. Niiiice

How am I leaving them out? They get small gifts for birthdays and Christmas. The step GC get more gifts than the GC from all the different family members.

Like I said I can't afford to pay horse riding, school trips and other things for 6 children. The step GC have plenty of other family members.

and how unfair is it that some offspring will inherit from 4 sets of gp whilst others only have 2. It’s like you feel SC deserve more. Even if they only became SC in adulthood 🙄

This.

Oh I see. I didn't recall your previous post, yep they didn't need to accept Ops generosity.

My Daughter was my MIL’s first Grandchild from the moment she clapped eyes on her, and she’s still the favourite now even though many more biological Grandchildren have been born since! I think we’re very lucky after reading some of these replies.

Stop asking why PP are saying it’s cruel to divide and “other” siblings that are living together as a family, and start by explaining why YOU think it’s justified to leave them out entirely. Go on. I’ll wait

Miss! Miss! I know the answer to this one, Miss, pick me!

They aren’t living together as a family. The stepchildren are living with their mother. They come on weekends only. They already live very different lives to their younger half-siblings, who are permanently with both of their parents.

They are also from either different economic backgrounds or from different cultural backgrounds, when one prioritises private education over state education and the other doesn’t.

The 4 older children and the two younger children are living different lives in many ways. Pretending that isn’t happening is daft. Refusing to let the younger ones benefit from their grandmother’s support and generosity would cause as many problems (or more) than explaining “that’s something between A and B and their grandma, you have a different grandma”.

These kids are nothing to do with you and they have their OWN grandparents to spoil them. What does your daughter say in all this? Is she on your side or is she trying to leverage you into pay for the step kids too?

This is just another struggle to negotiate that comes with blended families and the choices made by the parents. The disparity is for them to agonise about and feel guilt over. Not you. Your son in law is trying to foist you with his own guilt at his failure to provide for his kids.

Your job is to be kind and courteous to your step GC. Affectionate if you can manage it. But that's as far as your responsibilities extend. Your wealth is for your biological GC. Anything else is a complete inversion of nature.

Where did I say “be kind”? I can’t stand that phrase.

ummm, then why are you commenting on this post? OP asked, people are answering, including you.

I’m well aware of the legal difference. You were bleating on about blood relationships. So it’s not a reach to query your stance on adopted children. So is it not to to with bloodlines then?

There’s a very good reason why she should ‘deny her children’ - she’s in a blended family. She married their father and they’ve built a home and family together. It’s firmly my view that you treat all of your children the same. Not siphon off money and call your own wealthy mummy up to subsidise your bio children, but monkeys to the step-kids. As I said, the daughter and SIL are in the wrong here.OP is following her daughter’s lead I guess. it stinks and it’s nasty.

I absolutely agree that her son in law is a cheeky fucker and I said this in an earlier post. I asked OP why her SIL was happy to fund private education for his younger kids and not his older kids but is now expecting her to fund his older kids. She said:

'GC are excelling academically while SDC are struggling. As they get older, it is becoming more and more noticeable.'

It's still shit for his older kids when they come for the weekend and the younger kids are off horse riding and having expensive treats with OP. It's not their fault that their dad had six kids that he can't afford.

No - read up - they’re not step-siblings, they’re younger half siblings. They were put into private school AFTER their half-siblings were already attending a state school. They were favoured from day 1. Their dad and stepmum made a bad call and now their dad has finally realised it’s not fair. Obvs he shouldn’t be expecting anyone else to pay for any of his kids’ education.

He and his wife shouldn't accept the payment for the other 2 kids

Ridiculous though this might seem at first glance, I think this is a logical conclusion. If the parents want all children to be treated equally, then they need to live by the lowest common denominator (free state education for all of them), because that's what they can afford.

OP stepped in to not make a bad situation worse by withdrawing the 2 youngest - her own grandchildren - from a stable school environment. The parents shouldn't have accepted this. You can see why they did, but it has sown the seeds of inequality.

SIL is a complete chancer expecting her to pay for his 4 by another woman so that he can raise all 6 children by the highest common denominator! I mean, who does that?!

Grandparents are allowed to define their family. Other people don't get to do that for them, and impose obligations on them that they don't want or need to accept, and didn't seek.

The dad has only realised now that he can’t afford it, and MIL offered to step in for her biological DGC. Basically, he’s realised she’s got money, and all of a sudden it’s unfair his four from before (what a catch!) should have the same.

Exactly. It’s not as if OP has known them from birth and been an integral part of their life. They have their mother and gp. My mum never even met my ex’s children even though they were half siblings to our children and came over eow and some school breaks. It was never an expectation on anyone's part that she would be an extra gp to them.

Each family dynamic is different so no point in posters making sweeping statements that they should be treated by OP in the same way regardless of the details.

So if the step kids mother had a generous relative who could send all 4 of them to private school, should this extend to the OP’s GC???? After all, they’re all part of the same blended family …

I can't support 6 children so yes I will crack on and support my 2 GC.

It's not their fault that their dad had six kids that he can't afford

It’s certainly not the OP’s fault either.

If he wants the children from his first marriage to have the advantages the younger children have (thanks to their mother and grandmother), that’s for him to sort out.

I think parents should treat their children equally, but step parents and step grandparents are not under the same obligation.