to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

In your shoes, I would work out how much I could afford and then divide that roughly equally among the children. That might mean that certain more expensive items/experiences were not within my budget. I don't have unlimited funds (alas!) so it's always a matter of cutting one's cloth. Of course, not everyone has the same approach, I'm simply saying how I do things.

Seeing as the youngest 2 are at private school they should stay there.

Seems like your DD earns a lot more than 'd'SIL, no idea why on earth she married him and took all the drama on

Why shouldn’t she? She wants to, and her daughter is happy for her to do so. Blood relationships may be an unimportant factor for you, but they aren’t, and have never been, unimportant for the vast majority of human beings across all cultures throughout history and into the present day. That someone will favor their own children and grandchildren over and above unrelated ones should come as no surprise to anyone with a basic level of comprehension.

The children in a blended family do not share the same relationships. They are different, no matter how unpleasant you may find it to acknowledge that.

It’s very convenient for the SIL that the penny only dropped when he saw an opportunity to make someone else financially responsible for his children.

I’m with you OP. My parents divorced when I was 3, and at no time did I ever consider my stepsisters to be equivalent to my brother, or my stepmother or stepfather to be a parent, or my step grandparent to be my grandparents. As long as you treat all children kindly it’s absolutely ok to have different levels of support. At my step grand-parents houses around Christmas I would get a token gift and their grandchildren something significant. And vice versa at my grandparents. There was never any angst, it was simply explained by all concerned.

So I think it’s absolutely fine to pay for just your grandchildren. If the children’s parents have a different view, it’s also ok for them to decline that money. It is NOT ok for your SIL to demand the same for his children.

Also, please explain what you would do if your DC had had 6 biological children of their own. Would you only allow the oldest two to inherit and receive large presents etc. because it’s all you could afford? Or would you divide recourses equally between your DGC?

I’m not talking school fees here, you have established there is a reason for this specific need and the other children are not at the same school and don’t have the same pressing need

I’m sure the ex wife is buying exactly the same Christmas gifts/ spending money on her husband’s new children …not!

@betnet

I'm confused by what you want from this thread?

You started it, didn't mention the reason was because you are paying school fees for your bio GC and then started questioning everyone on inheritance and vetting defensive of the fact you're doing what you are.

You also said that your SIL isn't upset that you're paying for your GC but not your SGC.

What prompted the question and why are you bothered what others do?

What a beautifully simplistic response while wildly missing the point.

It would be interesting to know what your dd thinks about all this. To me, it’s a demonstration of how shit it is when parents don’t get on and separate, then have more children with someone else, and how much harm it causes. Bollocks to children being resilient. It is shit. I feel sorry for the step children, who have to move around from parent to parent and put up with all sorts of fractured and semi-loving relationships.

I think it’s far more nuanced.
step gc from infancy through to adulthood is one thing. Step gc from 16/17 is another.
at what point do you change your will to include them? At the point of marriage?
so if your dc married someone with 18 & 22 year old dc you would immediately change your will to include them in the same capacity as your genetic gc. I suspect not. But by all means, correct me if I’m wrong.

Quietly anticipating the dad in this situation … deciding that as not possible for 6 in private, & now no kids to private …. asking for the tuition cash to divide equally amongst the children or more likely buy him a car … for the kids.

Maybe the son in law shouldn't have had 6 children if he couldn't afford to treat them equally.

Has everyone missed the point that he was only paying for 2 of his children to have private education in the first place. Somehow that wasn't unfair though, it only became unfair when the OP started paying and didn't pay for the other 4 .

Son in law is a joke.

You keep banging on about inheritance and why you don't pay for your step grandchildren but you yourself said that its up to the grandparents what they do so why are you still badgering people about it!

How would you feel if you had two "blood" grandchildren and one adopted grandchild. Would you leave them out of everything as they aren't blood relatives.

So my GC should leave their school and that money should fund all 6 children?

It’s not a one size fits all question.

in both mine and DHs family any step child is 100% treat equally by all the family when it comes to birthdays, Christmas family events. I could not imagine ever excluding a child just because they weren’t born into the family. As they get older they will hopefully naturally understand things will be different in some areas.

The only thing most of my family/relatives would leave behind is debt so inheritance is not an issue. When my DF died my “step” nephew asked for something sentimental of my DFs which was happily given to him.

DHs family is different, there are wills and trusts that have been set up for years. One “step” grandchild is not entitled to inherit but they have always been treated as equally as possible. Example all grandchildren were given cash from the family trust several years ago, “step” grandchild was not a beneficiary so grandparents gave a separate cash amount from their personal account. The child is not going to be a child much longer, I’m sure they will understand that they obviously won’t inherit like the other grandchildren. Grandparents have made some changes so if their child wants to ensure their “step” child has access to funds for Uni, home deposit (grandparents set up accounts when each grandchild was born for this) they will be able to have access to funds. It will be at the discretion of the parent if they want to pass on to “step” child as anything could happen between a will being set up and it being executed.

So basically the son in law with 4 kids “married up”, then.

He married your daughter, and between your daughter and you, the two children of this second marriage were enrolled in private school and had expensive activities like horse riding. This wasn’t on the cards for his first family.

Now that the full whack of private fees is coming from the OP, his MIL, the cheeky fucker is trying to get funds rerouted towards his older children.

Nah, mate. If he wants his kids to have the perks of a wealthy upbringing, he needs to earn more money himself. Or shut up and cut his cost according to his cloth.

I think I already expressed I believe the will should be directed specifically just to the DC, the DGC can inherit from their parents share if their parents choose.

To give a set amount to one DGC but not another because they aren’t “biological” is quite barbaric in this day and age. If you leave everything to your child you can’t really be mad at how they spend it. If they choose to give evenly to their DC and DSC are you really going to be spinning in your grave because the bastards got to pocket some of what was your money?

I just think the whole inheritance issue is quite sickening as a whole.

It’s way more nuanced. At what ages would you include sgc in your will. If your dc married their partner and the partner had a 22&25 year old are you seriously telling me you would treat them equally in your will as your sgc?
What if your dc married later and their sc were 32 & 35. You seriously saying yep. Treat em the same.

if not, why not? Is it because they weren’t children when they can into your life?

so WHAT age. Because there must be one. 3? 7? 11? What if one ds. Is 6 and the other is 19? Not impossible. I have 13 years between my dc. What if your dc new partner has this? Do you include them both in your will equal to your genetic dgc?
And your DSc would potentially inherit from you AND their other sets of GP. So they have 4 lots of inheritance whilst your genetic gc only have 2. But that’s fair according to you seeing that fairness is a big thing to you.

it’s not as simplistic as the holy crowd seem to pretend it is.

Of course I would treat them the same. They are not her 6 biological children and I am not leaving the step GC anything in my will. They have two parents and grandparents.

This is so sad. “Unrelated ones” - they are a family. How nasty. Is that your view of adopted children also?
Im not defending the SIL - he’s being unreasonable to expect she pays for all 6 kids (if he indeed has). But he and his wife shouldn’t accept the payment for the other 2 kids.

It’s very common because of the increasing number of blended families.

‘This day and age’ isn’t one where biology is irrelevant, clearly.

Do you not get that the son in law was treating his own children differently anyway before Op started paying?

Yes - exactly this. If you want to be fair and support a blended family. But you clearly don’t. So don’t worry about it and crack on as you are.

Op what was your Son in laws reason for sending 2 of his children to private school and not all 6?

In the interests of fairness surely he'd want all his children treated the same so surely they all go or none go?

I agree. Although it is context specific. If the SC had been raised since birth by my child and they saw me as their grandparent that would be different.

My mom does not distinguish between her step grandchildren and biological grandchildren. And similarly I don’t distinguish between my biological and non-biological nieces and nephews.