to think grandparents do not have to treat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren?

[betnet]

Firstly, I am not advocating for step children to be treated badly in anyway.

But I think it is fine if grandparents do not give gifts or gifts to the same value to the stepchildren as to their grandchildren. If there was a divorce the stepchildren would generally not be seen anymore anyway.

People generally would not expect grandparents to give their non related stepchildren an inheritance. Those who advocate for stepchildren to be treated exactly equally, do you think they should inherit from non related grandparents?

I am talking about stepchildren in this instance where ones DD or DS has married a partner who has children from an ex partner.

Same for family holidays. Often grandparents will pay for a family holiday and want their grandchildren to join them. They should not have to pay for the step grandchildren also.

Stepchildren can end up with four sets of grandparents.

They only visit weekends and holidays they live with their mother the majority of the time.

It doesn't sound like your DD can afford to be that batshit, in any case.

I think the 'you can't afford it' mantra in relation to horse riding is a load of rubbish in fairness, if you can easily pay for school fees for 2 children on top of these other things, then you could have afforded to pay for things like horse riding for the other 4 all along... but I also think if you don't want to (which is obviously why you aren't, nothing to do with money), then that is fine too, it isn't your responsibility to or job to pay for them.

I think the part I struggle with is the fact that your 2 GC are obviously getting perks that their parents can't afford and to the SGC it must seem like they are being treated unfairly, they are only kids and they wouldn't really understand why they are being treated differenlty.

So if you are taking your grandchildren horseriding/out/on holiday when SGC are not there, no problem, but if you are taking them out and treating them at times when SGC are there and very aware of what you are doing I think it is not fair on them personally.

School fees is a complete red herring, the parents weren't paying for the other 4, so neither should you.

My step mum is leaving the house Dad left to her to all her step grandkids. Her other assets are going to her real grandkids.

Why would anyone leave inheritance to grandchildren let alone step grandchildren. I've gone through two probates and on both occasions if I died or my partner then it would pass down to their grandchildren. I am guessing they didn't like their children or they traumatised them from the moment they could talk.

Do you have access to my finances? How can anyone say someone who can afford school fees for 2 children can also afford horse riding for 6 children and days out?

Yes my GC get perks. I can't stop doing things for them because the SGC night think it is unfair. They get treats and days out from their mother's side of the family. Should they stop because it is unfair to my GC?

Should the SGC benefit financially from everyone in their life?

Well yes if you are raising the step children as your own children from young and they see you as their mum then of course you would expect them to be treated the same as you are their de facto parent.

but it isn’t the same as if you have just become the step mother of teenagers who you haven’t raised and they have no bond with anyone in your family. I would hope family would treat them nicely and kindly though

Why can’t the step children’s own grandparents pay for their horse riding?

I think your SIL needs to think about his own costs of bearing 6 children and providing for them all himself! You are a very generous grandmother but covering more than your 2GC is not necessary - especially if they have their own grandparents still around/alive/involved.

I wouldn’t dare ask my own family for money for their blood grandchildren; as far as my own step child is concerned my family see little of them so would also not even bother me or my SC if they even got a Christmas gift. Every situation and family is different.

You’re only my family if I’m legally properly related to you. So if my child marries your mum - lovely, but that doesn’t give my child any enforceable link to you. If your mum ups and leaves, my child just gets to wave bye bye.

If, on the other hand, my child adopts you, legally, then you are my family.

I’ll buy an Xmas present for you in the first case, but unless you’re a young child at the starting point, I’m unlikely to leave you an inheritance.

Unique dreamer posted this to me too. When I responded they reported my reply and got me deleted. She's a peach eh 😂

No. They don’t have to.

But generally, children who have been through the turbulence and trauma of their parents splitting up and moving on with new families deserve to be indulged in other areas and aspects.

Grandparents who treat them the same are certainly making more of an effort to offset the trauma and make them feel included. They’re not adding to the deep seated feeling of rejection.

The norm round my way is to leave your money to your children. Nevertheless, when DH's ex's partner died, the son-in-law complained bitterly because the partner had left everything to the ex when he "should have" left something to the grandchild. Go figure.

As I said upthread, his reasoning was that there was an obligation because the grandchild called the partner "Grandad".

Personally I would treat the grandkids and step-grandkids exactly the same, but I do see a potential issue if on Christmas day the step-children had literally twice as many presents as the other kids.

I am not a step parent so cannot speak from experience.
I think it depends on the relationship you have with them.
And also whether the spouse of your DC is the resident parent or not.
if the non resident parent only sees their DC (Grandparent SDC) every other weekend, then they may not have a relationship with their spouse's parents.
It also depends on circumstances and ages of step children.
I would not visit my DGC at Xmas without bringing a present for ALL the DC I would expect to be there, although dending on ages, etc, I may not spend as much, but it would not be significantly different.

Indulged in what way and to what extent? I should pay for all 6 children school trips, horse riding and days out?

Isn’t that a more reasonable expectation of the older children’s own grandparents, rather than expecting their stepmother’s mother to indulge them?

Slightly different scenario here... but.... I have a step mum who I have had a reasonably good relationship with since I met her at 14. She's always treated my kids like they're her own grandchildren. They're more her grandchildren than I am her daughter. I guess we are more like friends. So, because my kids have a full complement of grandparents, she is the fifth, a bonus nanny! If I ever have step grandchildren, or step children for that matter, I will pay this forward and treat them like my own. I think this is the decent thing to do and healthiest for everyone involved. But, yes, a teen is harder to fall in love with than a baby or little kid.

I pay private school fees so am aware of this cost.

It isn’t believable that you can fully pay private school fees x 2 but can’t afford lunch or ice creams for 6.

It is entirely understandable in my opinion that you don’t want to take 6 children out for the day. I think I’d rather eat my own arm. But you’re blurring the issue by making claims like this when they’re just not true. Not fitting them all in the car - plausible BUT you could have them all round for a garden picnic.

I think you’ve got to be strong enough to be able to kindly say that you want to have quality time with your own grandchildren, but understand that that time will be with SGC are having time with their other grandparents (or mum).

In terms of school fees themselves, this one I’m struggling to understand.

You have known step grandchildren 7 years. Your grandchildren live with both biological parents? So they’re 5/6 years old? And in that time they’ve already been put in private school (when their older half siblings were not) and then were going to be removed from private school due to funds, so you stepped in. This doesn’t make any sense. School doesn’t start until 4 years old, nobody puts a child in for a few weeks and then realises they can’t afford it and also turns to the grandchildren to pay.

Or are these children older and are solely your daughter’s children?

Either way, the parents put 2 of 6 into private school, not you!

As you say, they have an entire other side of the family. If that side of the family were multimillionaires and you’d spent your life on benefits, would the grandparents on that side be expected to leave equal to all of the half/step siblings? Of course they wouldn’t, so of course you don’t have to leave inheritance for the step grandchildren.

It’s not nice to be mean to children

It can get complicated.

My husband had two children and one grandchild.

His daughter's partner had two adult children and some grandchildren. (I never met them, though I do recall meeting the adult children once.) My step-grandchild is actually the aunt to people who are older than her.

It's unreasonable to expect people to take on fiscal obligations just because someone is related to a person whom your family member has married.

My decision is that any money - apart from birthday and Christmas gifts - is going to people whom I actually know and who have been decent to me and to my late husband.

but it’s not up to the parents how the money is divided up, it’s up to the grandparents who they leave their money to

Also there’s a huge distinction between children of your own stepchild, who you played a role of some kind in parenting, and children of someone your adult child marries. I’d expect the former to be treated the same as your grandchildren, not the latter.

It’s also not nice to try fleece your new mother in law by wanting her own o pay school fees for your 4 children with your exwife.