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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH double booking himself

90 replies

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 20:20

Name change for this, as know some people on here.
AIBU to be upset with OH?

Back in October I booked tickets to a gig. It’s not my OH’s type of music but it’s not far off, I asked him if he would go with me and he said he would. The gig is at the end of this month.
I was making other plans for the Friday of that weekend, and reminded him about the gig on the Saturday saying it’ll be a busy weekend. He said that he’s doing something else on the Saturday, so he can’t go with me to the gig.
it’s really upset me, possibly more than is reasonable. I’ve asked other people if they want to come, but everyone is busy. I don’t want to go in my own.

The gig is in the joint calendar, his other plans are with his Mum for a booked and paid for event. He asked me about this date when his mum suggested it. I reminded him about the gig. (He’s now saying I didn’t) He said that the event is often in the afternoon, I said if it’s in the afternoon that should be fine, as he can do both. It’s not in the afternoon, it’s at the same time as the gig, but it’s now booked.

This is an unusual occurrence.
i can’t see a solution, and I’ve been upset about it for a few days now. I have been crying about it, which is not like me. We’ve discussed it today, he says it’s a miscommunication, which it is, but it’s one that’s really upset me. I should probably put my big girl boots on and go by myself, but I wouldn’t have bought a ticket to go by myself, I would have just forgotten about the gig. He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying.

AIBU?
How do I move past this?

OP posts:

SpringleDingle · 03/04/2025 20:27

Maybe you shouldn’t. How long have you been seeing him? Not sure I’d get past him
blowing me off for another engagement made after he promised to go out with me.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 03/04/2025 20:38

If he made the commitment to you first he needs to rearrange with his mum. why didn’t he check the calendar. I’d be upset too OP. Are there other issues making you feel like he doesn’t put you first?

LightCameraBitchSmile · 03/04/2025 20:43

He goes with you - the gig is also a booked and paid for event and was organised first.

but don’t ignore him - silent treatment isn’t ok.

Blueberry911 · 03/04/2025 20:45

I'm not sure what you're asking.

Of course he's been unreasonable, he made a commitment with you and he's now chosen to do something else instead. You know this is unreasonable and it's upset you.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2025 20:47

He booked with you first, he needs to cancel the event with his mother.

BendingSpoons · 03/04/2025 20:48

He agreed to go
He forgot
You reminded him
He made other plans anyway
You reminded him again
He assumed the plans with his mum were more important

It's understandable you are upset. His behaviour suggests he considered the plans with you to be unimportant.

BlueMum16 · 03/04/2025 20:48

Agree with all PP. This is his problem to rearrange his mum.

Don't give him the silent treatment or sulk. Just ask him calmly and clearly to make other arrangements to put you and your gig first as it was the first arrangement.

If he doesn't I think you need to consider your relationship as you clearly are not a priority.

PullTheBricksDown · 03/04/2025 20:49

He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying.

Message to say that he's made you sad because he forgot he'd said he'd go to the gig with you, and because he has lied about you not reminding him when you did.

MissHollysDolly · 03/04/2025 20:50

He’s been inconsiderate. With that said if you drag him along now it’ll be a rubbish evening for both of you. Not sure it’s worth crying over though?

Chezxx · 03/04/2025 20:52

I would be very very unhappy with his attitude towards you and this.

He needs to sort it out with his mother.
I actually wouldn't move on from this.

He is inconsiderate and disrespectful.
I have no wish to suck it up and move on.

I wouldn't tolerate being treated like this.

BallerinaRadio · 03/04/2025 20:53

If you've been not talking to him and crying for days over this there are clearly other issues in play here

londongirl12 · 03/04/2025 20:53

Not sure how it’s a miscommunication, as it’s not. He knew the date of the gig. He just didn’t want to go so when this other event came up, he jumped at the chance. And now he’s making you feel guilty!!!

Iloveacurry · 03/04/2025 20:53

He committed to the gig first, why is he not rescheduling his mum?

Blackcountrychik83 · 03/04/2025 20:58

This isn’t about this gig at all .. this is about how you don’t feel like a priority to him . That’s why you’re upset .
I would feel exactly the same and he should have offered to cancel with his Mum without you even asking him …

I don’t think I could move past that . Nothing to do with the gig at all but the message behind it .

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/04/2025 21:11

His attitude stinks and he can fuck off with his feeling sad.
No it isn't a 'miscommunication', it's him telling you, very clearly, that you are not a priority to him and he is more than happy to cancel plans with you to do as he pleases.
Question is are you going to simply accept this? I know I wouldn't.

Vaxtable · 03/04/2025 21:15

I wouldn’t. I would simply tell him he agreed to go with you first and you expect him to do just that and he can explain to his mom his double booking and sorry he can’t go with herm especially as he has been reminded and it’s in the calendar.

if he won’t then you know where you stand, bottom of the pile below his mother. Nd if he won’t go with you I would tell him he needs to repay you for both tickets and I simply would not book anything else with him. He can do it all

Original poster

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:15

To answer some of you..
we’ve been together 10 years and have lived together for 5 of those.
I agree that the crying is over the top, it’s not like me, and I think I may be perimenopausal tbh.
i don’t think him cancelling with his Mum is the answer, as he clearly prefers to go out with her than with me (I think this is what is making me upset, that he didn’t prioritise his plans with me)
plus his Mum is lovely, and totally unaware of this. if he cancelled and came with me I can’t see it being a fun night.

i thought we were in a good place until he said a few months ago that he didn’t want to get married. I thought that was where we were heading, and had said so, but he said he didn’t plan to marry me.
I’ve been processing that for a while now, and I think this has just added to me being upset about that.
i need to have a good think.

OP posts:

Vaxtable · 03/04/2025 21:17

Reading your update about him
not marrying you it’s deal breaker and I would be looking to leave.

Original poster

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:18

His first response was that he’ll pay for his ticket. I had paid for them both as it was for me. I said it’s not about the money, and he said he understood.

OP posts:

loveforautumn · 03/04/2025 21:18

The dates in a joint calendar? He should of checked before making plans with his mum.
I'd be fuming

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/04/2025 21:20

CupOfTeaTwoSugars · 03/04/2025 21:15

Ok, from this I'd definitely be looking to move on if I were you.
He certainly isn't giving what you want from the relationship.
Get him in the bin.

lyricalwindmills · 03/04/2025 21:21

Ah I’m sorry @CupOfTeaTwoSugarsNo wonder you’re upset. You must feel so unimportant to him. I’d have a serious think about whether you want to keep going in this relationship. You deserve someone who puts you first and who wants to marry you after 10 years together!!

Sassybooklover · 03/04/2025 21:25

The way I see it, is that he didn't really want to go to the gig in the first place, but said yes to appease you. You reminded him twice of the date, and yet he agrees to go to an event with his Mum. I'm guessing the event with his Mum, is something he'd rather attend than the gig? If he really didn't want to go to the gig, he shouldn't have agreed in the first place. He knew perfectly well what he was doing when he agreed to go to the event with his Mum. He's now very conveniently trying to say you didn't remind him of the date, when you know you did! The right action would be for him to apologise to his Mum, but he now can't go with her, as he originally agreed to attend a gig with you. However, do you want to go to a gig with someone who doesn't really want to be there? I wouldn't. Going by yourself is preferably than going with a partner who'd rather be elsewhere.

Codlingmoths · 03/04/2025 21:27

My dh would cancel his mum because it’s his fuck up, if the date was in a joint calendar. But he isn’t cancelling his mum, he doesn’t want to marry you… do you think it’s come to the end of the road op?

Flossflower · 03/04/2025 21:30

Joint calendar. The first entry in there gets priority always.

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