OH double booking himself

[CupOfTeaTwoSugars]

Name change for this, as know some people on here.
AIBU to be upset with OH?

Back in October I booked tickets to a gig. It’s not my OH’s type of music but it’s not far off, I asked him if he would go with me and he said he would. The gig is at the end of this month.
I was making other plans for the Friday of that weekend, and reminded him about the gig on the Saturday saying it’ll be a busy weekend. He said that he’s doing something else on the Saturday, so he can’t go with me to the gig.
it’s really upset me, possibly more than is reasonable. I’ve asked other people if they want to come, but everyone is busy. I don’t want to go in my own.

The gig is in the joint calendar, his other plans are with his Mum for a booked and paid for event. He asked me about this date when his mum suggested it. I reminded him about the gig. (He’s now saying I didn’t) He said that the event is often in the afternoon, I said if it’s in the afternoon that should be fine, as he can do both. It’s not in the afternoon, it’s at the same time as the gig, but it’s now booked.

This is an unusual occurrence.
i can’t see a solution, and I’ve been upset about it for a few days now. I have been crying about it, which is not like me. We’ve discussed it today, he says it’s a miscommunication, which it is, but it’s one that’s really upset me. I should probably put my big girl boots on and go by myself, but I wouldn’t have bought a ticket to go by myself, I would have just forgotten about the gig. He says I’ve made him sad because I haven’t been talking to him for a few days. I haven’t been able to because I keep crying.

AIBU?
How do I move past this?

Go to the gig solo. And yes, also be done with him. I think you've got it right there.

It’s shitty. And it’s not a miscommunication, that’s just him minimising it, which is also shitty. I’m sorry OP.

I'm so sorry OP.
Don't be a used convenience for him.
Your relationship is over.
Wipe yoir tears and start making your plans to go it alone.

Crucially what is your housing situation?
If its yours, tell him pack.
If its his, make plans.
If its joint, get organised.

You are not his priority and he doesn't even sound decent.
Basic manners precludes people letting each other down like that.

Is he forcing your hand to break up?

What's changed is that he has told you that he does not want to marry you. You fee
Unl9ved, devalued, second best. I'm not sure you'll be able to get past this. Would you even want to...

As for the gig, if your daughter is a teenager old enough to go to an evening concert, she is within her rights to insist that she can switch weekends. These kinds of calender issues will occur more as she gets older, so some sensible, mutually acceptable ground rules need to be put in place.

I’ll be ok financially. It’ll be a bit tight, but I’ll manage. I don’t have lots of debt, mainly the mortgage. House is in my name. Planned to put it in joint names when we got married, but that ain’t happening now!

Yep, that is what’s changed.
I have a few friends that are on second marriages… I haven’t managed one! 😂

Good news OP.
Time he moves out.
Asap.
You are housing and a convenience.
Do not allow him backtrack when he realises you have self respect and want him to move out.
You will get through this.

Now that you've told us it's your house OP, my advice is to kick his miserable arse out of it, and start fresh by going to the gig on your own.

I'm sorry he's treated you like this, but he's clearly not the one for you, so bin him off, and then you're free to enjoy life on your own terms, and who knows, just when you're not expecting it, you may find someone who treats you with the respect and love that you deserve. Who knows, that 'someone' might even be at the gig!

Would your teenage son or daughter go with you, CupOfTea? Just a thought.

Please, do not ever give half your house to a man! At least not to someone you've only known for 10 years, and not as joint tenants. Or at least not without legal advice and a proper will.

You have worked hard for this......... surely you would want the benefits of your hard work to go to your daughter?

10 years, he's deliberately put his Mum first and he has no plans to marry you.

Life begins at 50! It's the new 40.

What is the gig and where is it?!

Take control. You're crying because he has all the control regarding your future.

It is over, and I'm not normally one to say that, but you deserve so much better.
Don't stay with him and put up with it until you're 60. Get out whilst you're still young.

Go on your own and enjoy it! If you're not used to going to things alone, I know it can be daunting, but it's a great thing to do. It makes life so much easier if you don't always have to rely on others or compromise.

Cool story, was there a purpose to your comment

Then that’s not on.

But honestly, he’s not sugar coating this relationship. You each have different views about what commitment means.

Kick him out. Does he pay his share or is he freeloading?

I wasn’t just going to give him half, he was going to sell his flat which would pay off the mortgage. His flat was worth about the same as my flat, which I sold to have a deposit on the house.

He pays his way, not freeloading.

I told him we’d discuss things tonight after work.
I feel incredibly sad.

OP, your partner has been future-faking and it’s time to accept that you’re not a priority in his life. I hope you’ll move on and find someone better, or find happiness with friends instead.

Your ex has no right to demand his daughter’s presence if she wants to go to the gig with you. You should go with her and have a good time. Celebrate freeing yourself from a man who doesn’t deserve you.

Honestly I’m going to go against the grain here a little.
i get that it’s really annoying that he double booked himself and is choosing not to let his Mom down rather than you .i think forcing him to come along with you and miss his moms event would be in no one’s interest including yours. It’s irritating and annoying but shouldn’t ordinarily be a deal breaker or warrant you crying about it for days. Clearly this is about the marriage thing for you and you seem to be veering towards ending the relationship because of it .
its not clear if he ever promised you marriage or if this is something you assumed you were moving towards, I do understand that for many people in their 50s with their own assets and children etc involved that it rarely makes sense from a practical view point to marry . If you otherwise get on well and he is a nice guy who pays his way and generally treats you well I think I’d be slow to dump him just on the marriage issue. There is nothing romantic about a marriage ultimatum even if he agrees now if you say marriage or nothing . There are lots of frogs out there. If he is otherwise a good one I wouldn’t be so quick to throw him back.

Thank you for this.
I’m not planning to give him a marriage ultimatum, I don’t even think I’ll mention my disappointment at the lack of marriage in the future.
I think I’m going to stick with the way he reacted to me telling him how upset I am. It wasn’t a good reaction from him. There was no support, and I was supposed to understand that he was upset too.
there are a lot of good qualities to him, my child and my family all like him.
I need to see how tonight goes and have a good think.
we don’t argue very often, so when we do it feels like a huge thing.

This! It’s not the commitment to you that needs to go - yours is also booked and paid for.

"he said a few months ago that he didn’t want to get married. I thought that was where we were heading, and had said so, but he said he didn’t plan to marry me.
I’ve been processing that for a while now, and I think this has just added to me being upset about that."

The gig is symbolic that he's gone as far as he's going to go in your relationship but you thought you were heading to marriage. He made a commitment to you about the gig, then either forgot because it wasn't important enough or just blew it off. It just showed you that you're not his priority. You have decisions to make. Is marriage really a deal breaker? Did he future fake you by saying you would get married then renege?

If your relationship is generally good and solid, do you want to break up over getting married? What lizzyBennet08 said about some people in the 50s being reluctant to remarry due to kids, assets and so on can be the case for many. It's something to keep in mind.

OP, before you discuss anything with him, get your head straight.

He doesn't want to marry you.
That is his choice.
He now also seems to have become very offhand in his treatment of you.

Decide want you want and will accept going forward.

Then tell him that.
The marriage thing is over, he doesn't want it.
Don't make little of yourself chasing it.

Clearly your home and set up is a convenience for him.

Are you prepared to settle for that?
Get your head straight before you say anything.

…this seems a total overreaction to me 😧