my therapist ACTUALLY ghosted me

[Notmollybutdolly]

I have a great counsellor who I had for 10 sessions over the course of 6 months. We had a great connection I really respected and liked her and she made me feel ‘seen’. I. Learnt a lot from our and hoped to continue after the 10 sessions were up.

We had a short break while I organised potentially getting some help with the costs of her services. I kept her up to date and after the last message I sent, I haven’t heard from her? It’s been almost 6 weeks now. this is what I sent:

’’ I'm so sorry for not getting back to you sooner I've not heard anything back! Peter (DH) lost his job last week so I was thinking about having a wee break from counselling for maybe a couple of months and seeing how I get on? What do you think? Or even booking with you once a month? Would that be something that could work for you?’’

AIBU to chase her up???

DH says i should get in touch again but I’m so put off by it. I get there can Be extenuating circumstances but this just seems so out of character.

so you didn’t quit or you did? @Lesleyann25

re my overly friendly tone. I felt silly corresponding with her in a formal tone,

Your tone was absolutely fine. Given she was working through an EAP there may be rules about moving you on to work with her privately. Some providers don’t allow it at all, some need a break of 3/6 months and some have no restrictions at all. It may be contractually she can’t continue with you but she should have said so.

I’d get some funds in place and contact her when you’re able to continue, it’s not that unusual for EAP work to be spread out over a few months but if you want to work privately she may want to arrange more frequent sessions rather than working ad hoc.

I did quit but he was really hard to break up with😀

How long have you been waiting for a response op

Surely you just don’t turn up?

As a therapist I would not have any issue with the tone of your message and she should have replied even if it was just to say that she wasn't able to accommodate you.

I would message her again. If she is busy it is easy to lose messages down your inbox if it was sent by text or WhatsApp. I've also missed messages which have randomly found their way into junk. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. If you don't hear back the issue is hers not yours.

Try email if you have an address, then if she is out of office you will get a response (- it's unlikely she is suddenly off work and unable to message but not impossible - therapists are encouraged to have a 'digital will' just in case they have to suddenly stop work, and this usually means asking another therapist to arrange to contact clients, but most probably don't, and if you think about it she can't really share your details with anyone else. There's no out of office for text). In your email be more specific about what you actually want and ask her to confirm yes or no or give you a call.

Your message was appropriate and aligned with the relationship you had with her.

It would have been professional for her to respond, but therapists are human and can make mistakes. It’s possible she simply missed your message—perhaps it went to spam, or she intended to reply but got sidetracked. If not responding is out of character for her, it’s likely just an oversight.

Following up would be a good idea. And if, as others have suggested, the lack of response relates to the EAP contract, this would give her a chance to clarify that for you.

therapists are encouraged to have a 'digital will' just in case they have to suddenly stop work, and this usually means asking another therapist to arrange to contact clients

A professional will works for current clients but not for people who have ended work. I wouldn’t give my work phone to someone on the off chance that a previous EAP client might contact because EAP work is covered by different contingency arrangements through the agency so won’t fall under the terms of my professional will.

I wouldn’t want my will holder to contact any client if they didn’t know that was a possibility given the confidential nature of the work.

What did you think she would do with your updates? She doesn’t work for free.

Is Peter your husband’s real name? If so, a bit concerning.

Sorry yes, should also have said this. This isn’t like other businesses. Ghosting you isn’t kind.

The op hasn’t mentioned once how long ago she sent her message

He thought I needed to work through something I was struggling with at that time but I didn’t feel it was helping. I went a few more times then said this is my last session. I wasn’t paying I got it free due to long standing anxiety.

My point is he didn’t refuse to allow you to leave

he suggested that you stay and you did

I am just saying that he was making it difficult and I felt like I was letting him down by leaving. He didn’t literally hold me hostage but was very intense

It’s been almost 6 weeks now.

Sorry missed that

Personally I would always respond but given the attendance and your message indicating you were unsure about committing financially and the request for drop ins, I can see where it might not be prioritised for her to get back in touch. But potentially the email accidentally didn’t send back or she forgot etc etc. therapists are human too and maybe it’s nothing more than an oversight! I don’t think there’s an issue reaching out again, but I would be clear about what you want to commit to.

Goodness I would have just not returned any messages and certainly my not turned up to sessions I didnt want to attend and had made clear

this is a conversation I always have and it’s so important - if you don’t put in the work, it’s unlikely to change much in your life and it’s a waste of your money and time. I trained for 8 years, I’m not a fluffy nice to have add on to medication, for many issues, therapeutic input is the NICE recommended first line approach. (But I always respond to my emails even if it’s to say I’m not the right person!)

In hindsight I would do that now but at that time I was dealing with a very difficult situation. He probably meant well but he was actually making me more anxious.

The irony that he was actually making you feel worse

well shot of him

I don’t know why you’re getting so much stick here OP. The tone of your message is similar to how I have contacted my therapist (privately paid for if relevant) when I’ve contacted her. I had to cancel a couple of times due to (chronic) illness hence the messages. And it sounds like it was more her that was ‘flakey’ than you were so PPs suggesting it was somehow your fault for not commiting are off the mark too.

Your question is a legitimate one. You’ve explained your finances and how this might affect your ability to attend appointments and you’ve asked for their opinion on whether this would be something they could accommodate and whether they think it would be worth it. I’m not sure what’s so bad about that.

As for contacting her again, I’d probably send one more message saying you contacted her a while ago but are unsure if she got it with not having heard from her and then reiterate what you put in your initial message. If you don’t hear anything after that then you’ll have to leave it I think.

Edited to add, in case anyone pulls me up for having to cancel..I made it clear at the outset the nature of my illness meant I couldn’t guarantee being well enough all the time and that if she wasn’t able to take me on on that basis, then I understood. I also paid on the occasions I didn’t make the appointment.

To me, your message reads as if you are telling her you want a break from counselling, that's literally what you open with. To be honest it also sounds as if you are not particularly committed to doing the work; monthly sessions are not terribly useful as there's too long a gap in between to build on the last session. If I received this I'd probably acknowledge your difficult position, your ambivalence and perhaps suggest you get back in touch with me or someone else if/when the time is right to pick up the work properly.

Perhaps she felt overwhelmed by your messages and unsure if she wanted to continue counselling you. Therapists aren't like a close friend or your mum, who you message casually and bother with questions (like dithering over whether to have more sessions or take a break. Of course she can't answer that for you. Why even tell her you're struggling to find funds to pay for more, unless you hoped she'd reduce price or offer some free sessions?)

She's a professional so has to have boundaries. Not replying is a polite way of letting you know it's inappropriate to message her things like that. She has to keep a professional distance. Lots of clients get overly attached or clingy with therapists, or start to depend on therapist too much (like you expecting her to help you make the decision). She probably has 30+ different clients a week, so has to stick to boundaries.

It's also possible she felt harassed by your overly personal messages, and took a step away. Or maybe she was on leave. Or she couldn't hold the slot open for you any longer, so had no reason to reply.