Parents from overseas

[EarlyBirdSummer]

Does anyone else find it weird that when I visit my parents overseas, they expect me to pay for electricity because I’ve used hot water and the washing machine since, according to them, that’s not free?

If, for example, I eat something from their garden or take eggs (since they have chickens), I have to leave money for it because they need to buy food for the chickens. Same with laundry detergent—I have to pay for what I use.

If they drive me somewhere, I have to leave money for petrol. Basically, for everything I do or consume in the house, I have to leave money. The last time I visited was years ago, and it was never an enjoyable experience.

I’ve never taken my husband there because I’ve always been embarrassed by this.

Whenever I visited, I would always buy my own food/snacks, as well as things like washing liquid or whatever else they needed in the house. On top of that, they always expected me to leave a sum of money before I left for the UK because, as they put it, their house is not a hotel.

Seeing how my husband and his family don’t have this kind of transactional relationship made me realize how wrong it is.

The worst part is that my parents have no problem giving their friends ten organic eggs for free. They don’t mind driving people around or doing favours for them because, apparently, those people have been helpful to them.

And just to be clear, they don’t struggle financially, and this isn’t a cultural thing.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

How strange, I just wouldn’t go but I suppose it depends how much you want to see them

Good lord no! What was your childhood like? That’s awful!

my parents were like this. more generous to other people than their own kids.

It's odd. And hurtful.

@DenholmElliot11 may I ask if you eventually stopped seeing them? How did you navigate it ?

@W0tnow not a great childhood, pretty abusive parents.

No, that's really not normal. That's an awful thing to do to your child/family. Do you know how they feel about you?

I'd be telling them what I think about it.

This is crazy

@Itiswhysofew I have told them, but then they play the innocent game and Tha they do not have the money.

Not sure how they feel about me.. To be very honest my father is pretty bitter person who doesn't love or like anyone apart from hisself and other women that he cheated with.
In terms of my mother, I dont think she has a lot of love or interest tbh.

Why do you visit them? They sound very unpleasant

@PeloMom just to clarify i have not visited them for years. I need to return to sort some documents. I would be staying in a hotel with my husband, but might pop by for a few hours - probably it will be the last time until they pass away.

I don't know if I am the one to blame, but I still feel sadness deep inside that it has come to this.

You have a good plan. The sadness is possibly the grief of not having the parents you deserve.

I didn't stop seeing them no.

I did once ask them one christmas why they spent £200 on a bracelet for my sister in law and £10 on a nail varnish on me when I'd helped them out for free in their fish and chip shop all year and they just looked at me and really and truthfully and honestly didn't know what to say. Like they just didn't know why they did it.

Which bring me to, - the more we do for other people - the less they appreciate it. Well, a lot of people anyway. All we can do is pull back if its too much.

You are not the one to blame here, not for their pettiness and not for the loss of connection.

I like your idea of staying in a hotel. Make a point of not eating or drinking when you're in their "home" and leave before lights have to be turned on. Flatly refuse to leave any money for breathing the air there. You could bring a passive aggressive box of chocolates if you want.

The loss is entirely theirs.

No I've never experienced that.

They sound horrible and I certainly wouldn't be visiting them.

It's very strange.

Oh I’m sorry. But not surprised. You don’t HAVE to see them, you know. Do you feel obligated? You could post the documents? Honestly, if they need them, they should pay you for delivering them! Maybe you could post them?

That's completely bizarre. My parents never had tuppence to rub together (never owned a home, etc) but even after I became educated and middle class, they'd have given me the shirts off their backs - like all normal parents.

Just wow, DDs friends (4) are visiting in a few weeks, I will make sure we have anything they need in the house so they don’t have to drop stuff on a flight - shampoo, toothpaste etc - they can use the electricity and WiFi - help themselves to the fridge - It’s called hosting.

@VickyEadieofThigh mine did not even bought me flowers when I was getting married, not even a chocolate. I don't need anything from them, but when I see them going to others peoples weddings and they are giving them money makes me wonder if they even love me.

@Silvertulips agree! I behave the same way when I have people visiting me.
But this is not something that my parents are able to understand.

If they ever host someone for more than a day, they started saying how x person has eaten all of their food, they spent so much money on hosting etc.

Given that they are awful people who treat you badly why are you surprised when they are awful people who treat you badly?
Just sort the papers and never see them again OP, much better for you

Absolutely no chance i’d ever charge my DC for food or warmth etc. My parents wouldn’t dream of doing that with my brother and I.

I would never visit them again. Feel the relief of never having to suffer their petty cruelties again.

OP knows what hosting is, her parents are abusive unfortunately.

Sounds like they’re misers. Maybe they can’t even help themselves. It might be an illness but I would never subject myself to them again.