Parents from overseas

[EarlyBirdSummer]

Does anyone else find it weird that when I visit my parents overseas, they expect me to pay for electricity because I’ve used hot water and the washing machine since, according to them, that’s not free?

If, for example, I eat something from their garden or take eggs (since they have chickens), I have to leave money for it because they need to buy food for the chickens. Same with laundry detergent—I have to pay for what I use.

If they drive me somewhere, I have to leave money for petrol. Basically, for everything I do or consume in the house, I have to leave money. The last time I visited was years ago, and it was never an enjoyable experience.

I’ve never taken my husband there because I’ve always been embarrassed by this.

Whenever I visited, I would always buy my own food/snacks, as well as things like washing liquid or whatever else they needed in the house. On top of that, they always expected me to leave a sum of money before I left for the UK because, as they put it, their house is not a hotel.

Seeing how my husband and his family don’t have this kind of transactional relationship made me realize how wrong it is.

The worst part is that my parents have no problem giving their friends ten organic eggs for free. They don’t mind driving people around or doing favours for them because, apparently, those people have been helpful to them.

And just to be clear, they don’t struggle financially, and this isn’t a cultural thing.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

My parents were like this. They used to charge me for going “home” (Christmas was particularly expensive.)

When my friends visit me I make sure they have everything they need. Some friends stayed in my flat in London when I was overseas and I did a full shop before they arrived, as I knew they would be tired, and not want to go shopping. So I left dinner for them and the kids in the freezer, wine and beer, and everything for breakfast. Because, why wouldn’t you?

If they were abusive then I’m not sure why you are surprised at this. Why do you need to pop in to them? Just post the documents and save yourself the upset.

Some friends stayed in my flat in London when I was overseas and I did a full shop before they arrived, as I knew they would be tired, and not want to go shopping. So I left dinner for them and the kids in the freezer, wine and beer, and everything for breakfast. Because, why wouldn’t you?

I wouldn’t because this is a bit much. I’m
saving them £££ is accommodation, I wouldn’t cook meals for the freezer as well.

I honestly think that some parents are unhappy if they perceive their kids are doing better than them financially. The requests for payment is an attempt to even the score. It's sad, other parents want their kids to do better financially, they want the next generation to have fewer struggles. My parents lived in this country most of their lives but are originally from the Carribbean, my father was like your parents in asking for money (but was incredibly generous with friends), in addition he seemed so resentful when I went to university. When I returned after graduating I was charged above market value to rent a room in their house. I had no problem paying my way but above market value was a piss take.

If there are no financial reasons behind this then yes, this is really weird. Did they grow up in poverty, do you know? As if so, fear of lack / having nothing can really stick. I get sense from reading your replies that they may do things for others due to showing face as it were, but do this begrudgingly. Their worry about their resources and money seems rooted either in fear (perhaps they are in debt?) or in habit. Perhaps one of your parents is controlling and this can be demonstrated through financial control - not wanting others to have anything/ having to pay things back. However. All of this is immaterial. You are their child, and they should be treating you better. It’s incredibly penny pinching and mean. Take care of yourself X

@Rosie8880 they indeed grew in poverty. But over the years they managed to save, out money aside and have a good life. For example they threw out around 20,000 on a brand new car. I know they are clueless, but still.. it was never about money. I start to understand that they like to act like they really do not have money around me or my sister and in front of other people they are very generous.

I recognize some of this behavior with pals parents - do loads for others, but not their own kids. It could be something they are repeating from their upbringing. I always found it a bit heartbreaking. I’m sorry you are going thru this. And no, YANBU. Take care X

Do they think that becuase you live in the uk (am assuming you do) that you must be loaded?

As pp has said, this stems from their upbringing but is massively hurtful for you, and it doesn’t seem like you will ever get thr explanation you deserve.
Remember, you are good enough for them, they are just not good enough for you. Take care of yourself.

@wizzywig sort of

Although my late DM never charged me money to stay, she was always very "careful" with money when she stayed with me - never brought anything but if we called to see relatives who lived near me would insist on taking flowers, a plant, chocolates etc. I used to drive 200 mile round-trip to fetch her & take her back. She only offered a contribution towards fuel once so when I, of course, declined it, never offered again.
She used to complain about the amount of water, electricity & loo rolls my stepsister & her family used to use when they stayed. Would spend thousands on a cruise then refuse to spend a couple of dollars on a phone call to let us know she was OK!

No 🫣 that’s unhinged.

I’m the one who lives overseas, and I’ve got my parents coming next week for 2 weeks.
I tell them to pack light because they’ve got our washer and dryer they can use.
I make sure the fridge is stocked enough to feed an extra 2 adults.
I don’t ask them to pay for anything while they are here. If we go out for dinner, my dad will often offer to pay the full bill, or he’ll pay for everyone’s admission to a family day out or whatever, but that’s definitely not an expectation we have.
They are guests in our home, not lodgers 🤨

Wow not normal at all. My parents treat us. They gave my kids spending money. They feed us. They take us out for meals and pay for all of us. They never asked for any money for anything.

Honestly OP this is not normal. My parents didn't have much but they would have given me their last penny. Your parents expecting you to pay for everything when you visit them is bizarre.

I wouldn't visit them again if I were you. If you have to meet them, ask them to meet you at a cafe and let them buy their own coffees. But to be honest, they don't deserve one minute of your time and attention. I wouldn't want to spend any time with them.

I'm sorry that they treat you that way. It's definitely very unusual.