School playing down sexual assault on son

[CallawayV]

Sorry for long post-

My son came home last night worried about some conversations happening in his class and the actions and words of two boys. These kids are 10. Boy A is talking about putting women in the back of vans and raping them or handcuffing them up and raping them. And then he talks about the “white goo that comes out your penis”. He’s also talked explicitly about sex acts that he says he’s seen on Onlyfans! Then Boy B joins in these conversations and describes sex acts.

The worst is, the other day, while my son was in the playground drawing with chalk on a wall, Boy B pushed him up against the wall and starting humping him from behind and make groaning noises (imitating sex). Other boys joined in despite my son telling them to get off him. Then he said Boy B grabbed him hard between the legs and it made my son yell out.

he’s described boy A and B imitating touching each other’s privates with toys in the playground and making weird noises.

Last night I told my son to stay away from the boys and i reported all this to the school this morning as im worried for my son but also what these kids have access to at home.

Ive just had a call from the school thanking me for the information and saying it has been logged but they can’t tell me any more - I understand that. But then they said my son’s teacher said he does “seek these boys out” and isn’t staying away from them like I asked. I feel like they’re trying to make it sound like my son’s fault!

I got I bit annoyed at that and asked what action would be taken about Boy B who pinned my son against a wall and grabbed his privates because if that had been a girl it happened to, I think there would be consequences. I was basically told they could have a member of staff with my son at play times but they assumed I wouldn’t want to make a big deal of it for him and make him stand out! And all they offered was for his teacher to talk to him about staying away from these boys. I said no as that’s the same teacher who said he seeks them out so I’m worried the conversation will make my son feel like it’s his fault.
AIBU to think the school should be protecting my son and that the boys doing and saying these things are the ones who should have a member of staff with him? I feel I’ve given the school info and the ones who will get the support are the kids doing this (that’s fine they need it) while my son gets viewed as a problem rather than a victim who also requires support???
do any teachers/safeguarding staff have any insights on how they think this matter should be dealt with. Is my school doing the right thing?

How can schools think it's acceptable for children to have to put up with things like this?

How would the teacher feel if their coworkers humped them?

Where is everyone getting the information that there have been no consequences for child A and child B? Or that there have been no referrals to social services?

OP has been offered a solution for her child. It's not a solution that feels acceptable to OP, which is fair enough given what has happened.

OP was not told about whether a social services referral had been made for other children, nor what their consequences were for their actions.

OP, go back to the school and say you want to talk again about the issue again and explain what you would like as a solution. If you are unhappy with this meeting, then check and follow the school's complaints procedure. If you also want to report to the police through 101, do that too.

Has anyone suggested it's ok?

The school, can you read? It's the whole point of the post.

This 100%

Tell the school your son doesn’t need someone with him to keep him safe.

he’s be safe is they removed the other boys.

you need to reference KIPSE (keeping children safe in education) and children child abuse.

remind them the usual response se would be to keep the perpetrators away from the victim or any potential victim.

say you will take it further if they don’t deal with the perpetrators to prevent it.

do remember though that in children often both sides are seen as victims as often those instigating sexual assault have been assaulted themselves or exposed to unsuitable material.

This really concerned me too. Total victim blaming!

I would log with police and social services download a copy off it all. Send it to school safeguarding lead and governors. Paper trail is vital use the words " peer on peer abuse" keeping children safe in schools there is an specific acronym but baby brain 🧠. Kick up a fuss. Do not feel guilty. It's a real problem. Your poor son 😞. It used to be swept under the carpet I speak from experience. Schools are sometimes very lax and image is everything. Be firm objective and strong. Ps maybe organise some play therapy for your child school should have resources or police can make a referral. Also dont be scared if social services visit or call you as a routine check. It's not a blemish on you. They can unlock some food resources as well.

Yes your son needs to stay away from them but it's the other two boys who need removing from the playground until this has been fully dealt with. All the other children in the playground and cloakrooms are at risk of sexual assault from these boys at the moment.

Same as with bullies, it should be the perpetrator not the victim who should have to be moved.

The school would take it more seriously if the police and children's services were to be involved.

But the school didn't say it was ok. I know because I can read, thanks for trying to be patronising.

Patronising am I? I never asked you to message me so if you're upset then blame yourself.

The title literally says they're downplaying it.

You asked me if I could read. I'm not upset but I do think you're being incredibly rude.

I would also go to the police. Your son has been sexually assaulted, which is a crime. My aim wouldn't be to have a 10yo labelled a sex offender, but the seriousness of the incident in terms of the effect on your son is not lessened by the perpetrator's age. Plus as you rightly say, the other two boys are in need of some serious intervention as they have been/are being exposed to sexual material or behaviour. They are also victims and the police need to be aware.

In terms of school, I would be going through the complaints procedure now I think. I would want a resolution that guaranteed my child would not be at risk of sexual assault from these boys and that did not disadvantage him. If supervision is the solution they are proposing, then it's the children who are sexually assaulting and sexually harassing other pupils who need to be supervised. Your son should not be singled out or have his activities curtailed whatsoever.

I would also be contacting social services and the LA. Basically everyone who has any involvement in child safeguarding. There are potentially 3 victims of sexual assault or worse involved here and it cannot be fudged by the school. There's just too much at stake.

Yeah, that's pretty woeful.

Make an appointment with the head and make it clear that if the school don't take sexual assault seriously then you will have to involve the Police.

For their own sakes, those two boys need the law explaining to them ASAP. They could get themselves into serious trouble that could follow them around for a long time.

The school do have a responsibility to speak to kids when these kinds of issues arise.

If I'm so "rude" then stop messaging me.

The problem isn't just the 10 year olds. It's the potential they have been abused or the worrying access they have to the internet.

Social services and police need to be involved.

School can't intervene in all the ways necessary to keep your son AND the boys safe.

Report to Childline. They will escalate this. Appalling behaviour. My son was bullied by an autistic child and the school fobbed me off. In the end I told my son he was not to play with the boy under any circumstances.

100% the correct response. I'm so sorry that happened to your son.

If a school isn't taking sexual language, sexual touching, sexual acting out, sexual assault, etc seriously, people do need to go outside the school to raise the alarm. Be it childline, social services, the local authority, or the police. Schools should be taking such things seriously and ensuring all the children are being safeguarded, both the perpetrators and victims, and most do. For those that don't, please don't just drop it.

In OP's case, it is absolutely not her child's fault. AND those 2 boys clearly aren't being protected by their grown ups at home OR at school. And the alarm needs to be raised.

No well run school will.

All kinds of red flags about what the boys are saying and doing to other children. They are accessing inappropriate things they shouldn't have access to outside of school, and they may be being abused themselves. REgardless, they need safeguarding as well as the boy they hurt and social services needs to be involved.

@Thisisittheapocalypse I wish, wish, wish that it was as easy as saying "social services need to be involved." The school 100% should have made a referral for the child talking about only fans. This could have had one of a few outcomes:

• Social services might have said it doesn't reach their intervention threshold, in which case the school essentially needs to wait until they have more signs of abuse or neglect.
• Social services may take the case on. They would carry out a child and family assessment.
• Social services may already be involved. They may know that the child has inappropriate sexual knowledge. They may know why. The child may be in care because they were abused. But they may equally be in a family with inadequate parenting, but good enough that social services have assessed that the risk of removing the child is higher than the risk of them staying with the parent. They would be on a child protection plan to support the parent to understand acceptable boundaries.

There are too many children parented in ways that almost all of us would consider to be inadequate.

This. Although they changed it from ‘peer on peer’ to ‘child on child’ a couple of years ago. There’s guidance in the KCSIE document on how to deal with it (part 5)

However, none of this helps OP. I am a teacher and no child on my watch would have to “stay away” from someone who assaulted them. The school’s response is woeful as it applies to OP’s child. At a minimum, the boys should be suspended pending an investigation of the assault - whether internal exclusion or an external one. Staff should be monitoring the two boys, not OP’s child. Neither of these things have happened or presumably OP would have mentioned it. Of course OP cannot be told what steps the school has taken regarding Social Services, but she absolutely should know what steps the school is taking to keep her DS safe and remove him if they continue this “he seeks them out” rubbish.

A similar thing happened to my daughter, when she was 9. It was another girl, acting out rape. The other girl said it was a rape game.

I found the school quite unhelpful. It was a Friday afternoon. I called the police, and on Monfay morning had a call from Social serv8ces child protection.

I was concerned about what this child was being exposed to, and the school seemed to minimise and not take it seriously.

The police and social services became involved. I didn't want any action against the child, I wanted her to be seen and protected.

YANBU. This is a safeguarding failure. Write to Ofsted and the governors.

Those boys are a risk to the other pupils. They’re clearly watching pornography and potentially being exposed to worse by their own parents.

Raise hell until you get meaningful action.