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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum has told people about my abortion

41 replies

Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 12:24

Aged 17 I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to keep the baby but my parents marched me to the clinic for a termination and told me never to speak to anyone about it, as the shame was too much for them to bare.
Fast forward 27years and my boyfriend at the time, and father to our baby, are now married with a wonderful family and have built a very happy life together… apart from one issue which is my Mum.
I have a difficult relationship with my mum who is controlling and has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. My mum is lovely as long as I have no boundaries and am basically just an extension of her! After a recent blow up over nasty things she has said, I have found out that she has gone and told family members and friends of hers about the termination and that she feels I have never forgiven her for it and this is why our relationship is tricky!! I have not spoken to my mum about what happened in 25 years!

I have recently tried to keep my distance, due to repeated nastiness and gaslighting when called out on it. My mum is not coping with me having boundaries as she feels she has an absolute right to know the ins and outs of my life and be involved in it all which is exhausting. She blows up over every little thing and is always a victim . My dad died several years ago and he was the only one who could stop her nastiness to any extent when she was in one of her ‘moments’
I feel that her telling people about my most personal medical information is her revenge at being kept at a distance. She refuses to apologise and cannot understand my fear that it will get back to my children and force me to have a conversation with them that I would not have necessarily chosen to have.
I am I unreasonable to feel as betrayed and angry as I do?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/04/2025 12:28

I went through an abortion alone as I knew I couldn't trust my mum not to tell anyone, I was about 18

I finally told her years later only for her to throw it in my face shortly after

Just keep yourself away from her. A mum needs to be a protector as much as a dad does, and it sounds like she doesn't feel this way towards you

Well done on surviving it all and building a life for yourself ❤️

Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 12:31

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/04/2025 12:28

I went through an abortion alone as I knew I couldn't trust my mum not to tell anyone, I was about 18

I finally told her years later only for her to throw it in my face shortly after

Just keep yourself away from her. A mum needs to be a protector as much as a dad does, and it sounds like she doesn't feel this way towards you

Well done on surviving it all and building a life for yourself ❤️

Edited

Im so sorry you went through this, as a Mum now I cannot fathom using something like this against my daughter! As you say Mums should be protectors, unfortunately mine thinks that the world should spin around her!

OP posts:
Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 12:37

Tell your dc your story. You did what was right for you at the time. Going nc with your dm might be appropriate now. Haven't seen mine since 2012....
Best decision ever.

MissDoubleU · 02/04/2025 12:38

Get away from this woman and feel no guilt in doing so. I’m 10 years free of my mum, who is just like this too, and I regret nothing.

You don’t deserve to be held hostage like this. What your mum did was awful in the first place, you would have every right to not have forgiven her. But for her to turn this and weaponise it against you when it’s not even true? Appalling. Set yourself free.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2025 12:39

I would absolutely go no contact with somebody who betrayed my trust like this. She's toxic. V

Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 12:46

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 12:37

Tell your dc your story. You did what was right for you at the time. Going nc with your dm might be appropriate now. Haven't seen mine since 2012....
Best decision ever.

I have been considering doing exactly this. I have a great relationship with my children and know that it is such that they would understand if I sat them down and explained what happened.

They are well aware of what my Mum is like so her doing this will not be a shock to them x

OP posts:
Pinkelefant · 02/04/2025 12:50

Mother is always a mother but on this occasion I would go nc and remove her from my life!
I am sorry for you op,what an awful relationship with someone who's supposed to love and support you ❤️

WaterMonkey · 02/04/2025 12:50

Sorry you’ve got a shit mum, OP. I do too and it sucks. I just wouldn’t find this forgivable myself. What an awful thing to weaponise against a person in this way, not to mention a spectacular betrayal of trust. Protect your family and cut her out.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/04/2025 12:52

Ugh, what a witch. I too would go NC, you can’t trust her and she’s clearly toxic. I am always so sorry to read about people on here with shit parents, its so sad.

Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 12:58

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/04/2025 12:52

Ugh, what a witch. I too would go NC, you can’t trust her and she’s clearly toxic. I am always so sorry to read about people on here with shit parents, its so sad.

Edited

I do not trust her at all, I have told her this and she was gobsmacked! She feels that no matter what her behaviour I own her unreserved loyalty 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
hazelnutvanillalatte · 02/04/2025 13:03

I also had a termination when young and didn't tell my parents because I couldn't trust them, but told a close family member. The family member then told them and they threw it in my face and it got out everywhere so everyone knew. It was very traumatic so I completely understand how awful the feeling is. I would just be very firm that I don't want to speak of it to anyone and that you are extremely hurt and angry that your parents have so blatantly violated your privacy. If I was told this by someone who wanted to hurt their child, I find it extremely inappropriate and would only judge the parent in that scenario.

Mearse · 02/04/2025 13:08

God, I’m so sorry. What an absolute betrayal. I don’t think I could come back from that.

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2025 13:11

No, I would be incandescent. Go nc, I bet you will feel far more peaceful if you do! I'd just watch out because she sounds nasty enough to tell your dc in revenge.

LezUlez · 02/04/2025 13:13

Awful. Anybody who would do this, has outed themselves as an AH to everyone she told. So those people will understand if you go NC.

Projectme · 02/04/2025 13:13

no YADNBU in feeling betrayed; what a disgusting thing to do. The fact that she refuses to apologise says it all too. I'd struggle to maintain any kind of relationship with her going forward and if you feel that this information is going to get back to your children then yes, have that conversation with them. I'd never forgive my mum if I had to talk to my kids about my past like that. Horrible woman.

MesmerisingMuon · 02/04/2025 13:23

Perhaps she's right?

Perhaps this is why your relationship is so difficult because she forced you to have an abortion that you didn't want, instead of being a supportive parent?

YANBU to feel betrayed, but I would personally use this as an opportunity to tell her exactly how she made you feel, and that yes, she did force you to do something you didn't want to do, and she did force you to remain silent about it.

I'd also consider going NC unless she can show some genuine remorse for her actions.

Gymnopedie · 02/04/2025 13:25

I feel that her telling people about my most personal medical information is her revenge at being kept at a distance.

And I feel that you are absolutely right. No mother who can do that is worthy of the name. She gave birth to you but that's as far as it goes.

Cut her out. She's shown just what depths she can sink to if you don't come to heel. Enjoy your happy life with DH and DCs and let her stew. She had control over you when you were a child. It's your choice whether she does now you're an adult. And I know what I'd choose.

Lengokengo · 02/04/2025 13:28

Sorry that this had happened to you. It can be very hard growing up with a mother that you cannot trust. In both the small things and the big things. Having your words and actions weaponised against you is par for the course.

you have given her the information that her actions are hurtful to you. How she reacts on this shows how important your feelings are to her. Use this information to work out how important your own feelings are to yourself.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/04/2025 13:35

I think going NC with her would be quite sensible at this point. Don’t expose your precious children to this awful woman.

Snippit · 02/04/2025 13:44

I’m now 58 and have limited contact with my mother since my dad passed away. I remember walking away from her house after making funeral arrangements with the undertaker’s, looking up at the sky and saying “thanks a lot for leaving me with that fuckwit “. She has no filter and is so fucking annoying!!

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 13:46

Tell your dc... Take away the power she thinks she has.. They will think she is as despicable as we all do op.
My dc do not see my dm. Even the ones old enough to decide for themselves...

Commonsense22 · 02/04/2025 13:48

I'm so sorry she forced you to have an abortion and so sorry she's betrayed your trust years later. How awful for you.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/04/2025 13:53

I agree with everyone else. Go no contact with this dreadful woman who you are unfortunate enough to have as a mother.

Luckily, in your case, the apple has fallen hundreds of miles away from the tree as you sound like an absolutely lovely mum to your children who are lucky to have you. You had a dreadful example of parenting in your toxic mother but you have been able to build a happy family in which your mum has no place.

Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 13:56

Snippit · 02/04/2025 13:44

I’m now 58 and have limited contact with my mother since my dad passed away. I remember walking away from her house after making funeral arrangements with the undertaker’s, looking up at the sky and saying “thanks a lot for leaving me with that fuckwit “. She has no filter and is so fucking annoying!!

Haha that made me laugh as I have often wondered out loud why I was left with this parent 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmeout99 · 02/04/2025 13:57

thepariscrimefiles · 02/04/2025 13:53

I agree with everyone else. Go no contact with this dreadful woman who you are unfortunate enough to have as a mother.

Luckily, in your case, the apple has fallen hundreds of miles away from the tree as you sound like an absolutely lovely mum to your children who are lucky to have you. You had a dreadful example of parenting in your toxic mother but you have been able to build a happy family in which your mum has no place.

Thank you, I have tried to be the mum that I desperately needed x

OP posts: