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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel at my wits end with dd13 or am being dramatic

59 replies

Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:13

Long story short dd is constantly screaming shouting being rude to the point I cannot even have a conversation with her. Mother's Day she threw some flowers at me woukdnt spend any time with me didn't get me a card. The flowers she was made to get by my mum and so that felt really forced.

no nice words of love or appreciation
last night she told me I'm not a proper mum I can't cook etc
this morning in my room screaming about her hair wouldn't leave and turned abusive

I have had it, she hates going to her dads but I feel at a loss and feel as though I can no longer take it:
she is my dd and I would die for her but lately I just feel so resentful we can't go anywhere as it's just awful and full of strops and complaining.
she's rude to me in front of my friends
she won't go to anyone else but me I just feel isolated. But I also know this is teenagers maybe I'm expecting to much
I have no sensible family around me at all

OP posts:
TheJollyMoose · 02/04/2025 12:14

And how are you handling this behaviour? That is the key right there.

northernballer · 02/04/2025 12:16

This could be my daughter so I am following with interest!

How are things at school? My DD gets very anxious about school due to bullying at her previous school which I think causes it.

Littletreefrog · 02/04/2025 12:16

What do you do when she does these things?

Hazeby · 02/04/2025 12:17

Is it just the two of you at home?

Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:22

TheJollyMoose · 02/04/2025 12:14

And how are you handling this behaviour? That is the key right there.

She's defiant at school

in honesty I ask her calmly to stop or say the consequences if she doesn't I keep calm until it goes ok for ages when I will shout and what I hate is that over the last 2 days I have found myself threatening to send her to dads, which I know is wrong but I feel at a point of desperation which is why I have ended up here

OP posts:
Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:23

I have tried removing phone that sends her into an actual meltdown but she has started to use the phone to record me including this morning

OP posts:
Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:23

Yes it's just us two

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 02/04/2025 12:25

I think rather than punishment you need to sit down and have a good chat with her when things are calm and find out what's going on with her. Kids don't act out for nothing.

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:25

Don’t send her away to her dads
her behaviour isn’t ok but even thinking that will make her feel insecure and an insecure teenager is a
Nightmare

talk to school and find out if there is anything there

if she is fine there and taking it out on you that’s actually good - it means she’s safe to take out her feelings on you
now she just needs to learn better ways to manage her feelings

talk to her - walking or driving so she doesn’t have to look at you
watch a favourite child movie together
reassurance that despite it all you love her
what emotions do you show her ?

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 12:25

She sounds vile OP. So sorry.
For what it’s worth, she will no doubt see the light and come crawling back one day. When she realises that when the chips are down nobody loves her and cares about her as much as her mum.

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:25

Record her back!

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:26

Oh and apologise for saying you will send her to her dads - model great behaviours and that includes apologies

Pigsears · 02/04/2025 12:27

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:25

Don’t send her away to her dads
her behaviour isn’t ok but even thinking that will make her feel insecure and an insecure teenager is a
Nightmare

talk to school and find out if there is anything there

if she is fine there and taking it out on you that’s actually good - it means she’s safe to take out her feelings on you
now she just needs to learn better ways to manage her feelings

talk to her - walking or driving so she doesn’t have to look at you
watch a favourite child movie together
reassurance that despite it all you love her
what emotions do you show her ?

I agree with this.

Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:28

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:26

Oh and apologise for saying you will send her to her dads - model great behaviours and that includes apologies

I have done both times I have said but more and more I'm feeling at the brink of it all there is no let up and it feels relentless

I do try and talk to her which always worked before but right I just feel completely numb and that's scaring me - if I could I would just go away for a week nothing I say works and she constantly voices how awful I am anyway

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 02/04/2025 12:28

I’m afraid she sounds like a typical 13 year old.

Original poster
Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:30

Pigsears · 02/04/2025 12:27

I agree with this.

Show quote history

I have tried offers of going for dinner, film, watching films at home, going nando's, beach anything but she point blank refuses to do anything with me
i only see her for dinner times or when she wants something and I try and Crete ways to do more but she just won't and I just leave it to avoid am argument

OP posts:
wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:31

You almost sound intense wanting to do things with her - she is at an age when she will not want that so much

wherearemypastnames · 02/04/2025 12:32

“Yes dear I am awful for wanting what is best for you. Now will you apologise for your awful language ?”

Crunchymum · 02/04/2025 12:32

Catontoof · 02/04/2025 12:23

I have tried removing phone that sends her into an actual meltdown but she has started to use the phone to record me including this morning

Take the phone! Don't try to remove it, actually remove it.

She behaves and earns it back. By behaving I mean she shows you kindness and respect and engages with you.

UnbeatenMum · 02/04/2025 12:34

Has she always been like this? Do you think there's something going on that you don't know about? Bullying maybe? Or issues at school? This really isn't normal for teenagers, mine weren't wonderfully helpful or selfless on mother's day, which probably is normal, but they were nice to me and went to the effort with cards and presents.

AirFryerCrumpet · 02/04/2025 12:34

Honestly I think having a bit of a break from each other might be a good thing?
I'd talk to her in a calm moment and say she's going to stay with her dad for a couple of weeks to give you both some space.

sciaticafanatica · 02/04/2025 12:35

Honestly I would remove the phone and change the WiFi settings… no pocket money and take no more shit from her.
set boundaries and stick to them.
Dont argue back or acknowledge her shitty behaviour.
she is 13 and knows right from wrong.

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 02/04/2025 12:36

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 12:25

She sounds vile OP. So sorry.
For what it’s worth, she will no doubt see the light and come crawling back one day. When she realises that when the chips are down nobody loves her and cares about her as much as her mum.

What an awful comment. She is a child and you’re calling her “vile”. Who would want their child to “come crawling back”? Decent parents don’t try to make their children grovel or humiliate them into submission and obedience, they try to find out what is causing the child’s negative feelings and behaviour and address it, build a relationship or trust and make the child feel secure so that they can help the child with the underlying cause of the negative behaviour.

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 12:41

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 02/04/2025 12:36

What an awful comment. She is a child and you’re calling her “vile”. Who would want their child to “come crawling back”? Decent parents don’t try to make their children grovel or humiliate them into submission and obedience, they try to find out what is causing the child’s negative feelings and behaviour and address it, build a relationship or trust and make the child feel secure so that they can help the child with the underlying cause of the negative behaviour.

Show quote history

Treating your mum with a bit of common courtesy, not insulting her, screaming, throwing things at her, disrespecting her house and belongings is not ‘submission’, it’s basic decency if you want to use the word decent. OP has done her very best on her own and deserves better.

TheCastleDoesNotReply · 02/04/2025 13:00

I wasn’t condoning the behaviour, simply suggesting there are better ways to deal with it than creating more conflict with the child and calling them “vile”. How is that going to improve the relationship? And hardly a good example to set modelling appropriate behaviour. Teenagers can sense hypocrisy a mile away so being insulting to or about a child is hardly going to encourage them to treat others with respect, is it?