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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend weightloss digs

31 replies

Lifeisbetterwithcake · 02/04/2025 09:53

I'm not sure whether I'm being oversensitive, but here goes.
I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I've tried every diet going, and it had seriously messed my head up.
I'm now at a stage of my life where I'm finally accepting myself, and my body.
I'm eating better, with the odd treat, and found an exercise that I love.
My dilemma is about a friendship. I don't have many friends, but I have been friends with a mum at the school for a few years. She too has struggled with her weight too, we've both been honest in our struggles. I told her that I had once struggled so bad with binge eating.
She's now losing weight, I'm actually really proud of her, she feels better for doing so, and I've cheered her on at every milestone she's made.
But quite often, she will message me and say "I've got a size 24 pair of leggings if you would like them, they're too big for me now", which I'm guessing is her just being kind, but I'm literally not that size (not that there's anything wrong with that size, there isn't, but I've not been that size for a good few years).
It's kinda making me feel a bit rubbish, and I get all the old thoughts that used to torment me, back inside my head.
It's taken me many years to accept myself, and start liking myself a bit more, but this kind of upsets me a little, especially she knows how bad I once was.
I'm not sure how to reply to these messages, which are quite often. I don't want to look ungrateful, or offend her in any way.

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 02/04/2025 10:08

I have a gentle suggestion -

Is it worth saying to her

"I'm a size XX (18? 20?) now, and I'm trying to go forwards not backwards in weight loss. So I don't think I'll need anything this size. Thank you for thinking of me!"

That way if she keeps offering them to you, she's then clearly a CF for it?

A lot of British problems I think stem from people being unwilling to actually state the issue in the open.

MentallyDatingDaveGrohl · 02/04/2025 10:16

Just say ‘too big for me too Linda, but thanks anyway’ you could add that your wardrobe is full to bursting so your not wanting any new things so she should just give anything she no longer needs straight to charity.
Do you think she is genuinely trying to do a good deed or fishing for you to tell her how amazing she’s doing or is there an aspect of her wanting to rub her weight loss in your face do you think?

CaramelVanilla · 02/04/2025 10:23

"Maaaaate I havent been that size for XX, do you need to get to specsavers?"

Hufflemuff · 02/04/2025 10:29

I think these are feelings of your own self loathing rather than your loathing of her.

If she was redecorating her bedroom, changing it from blue to green and she offered you a blue lamp, to go in your blue bedroom - would you be offended? No, you wouldn't.

I get the feeling, I'm overweight and have been for about 8 years- the jealous green monster can pop up from time to time, when you see others loosing weight and you're just not in that head space to do so. We can even trick ourselves into thinking everyone's making a jibe at us or thinking they're superior to us, even when that's not the case. A friend (but not a great friend) of mine went from a size 10 to a size 6 and was really proud of herself and talked about her nutrition achievements and kept suggesting i went along to her fitness group... I smiled and was saying i was happy for her, but not for me thanks "I'm ok with myself for now" - but a part of me thought "fuck you, stop going on about it 🙄". I know that's totally unreasonable of me and not nice, she was only wanting whats best for me, but its how I felt!

Unfortunately, being overweight we often can try and fool ourselves into thinking that we are happy with who we are and don't care - when that's not really true. Things like this message bring these feelings to the surface.

WoodyOwl · 02/04/2025 10:32

"Too big for me, but thanks anyway. If you're getting rid of anything in size [insert correct size], let me know!"

UpUpUpU · 02/04/2025 10:34

Just politely thank her and say it's too big. No need to over think anything.

Choconuts · 02/04/2025 10:42

WoodyOwl · 02/04/2025 10:32

"Too big for me, but thanks anyway. If you're getting rid of anything in size [insert correct size], let me know!"

This reply is perfect! You could add ‘Congratulations on dropping another size so proud of you!’ or similar.

Take it as a kind gesture it’ll only annoy her more if she is trying to have a dig.

Penguinmouse · 02/04/2025 10:45

WoodyOwl · 02/04/2025 10:32

"Too big for me, but thanks anyway. If you're getting rid of anything in size [insert correct size], let me know!"

Perfect response. If she then continues to offer you clothes that are not in that size, you can address that.

PoppyBaxter · 02/04/2025 10:46

I'd reply with "Blimey, they'd be much too big for me these days, but thanks for thinking of me".

Turtlepineapple · 02/04/2025 10:49

What do you respond? I’m curious.

Ella31 · 02/04/2025 11:55

Hufflemuff · 02/04/2025 10:29

I think these are feelings of your own self loathing rather than your loathing of her.

If she was redecorating her bedroom, changing it from blue to green and she offered you a blue lamp, to go in your blue bedroom - would you be offended? No, you wouldn't.

I get the feeling, I'm overweight and have been for about 8 years- the jealous green monster can pop up from time to time, when you see others loosing weight and you're just not in that head space to do so. We can even trick ourselves into thinking everyone's making a jibe at us or thinking they're superior to us, even when that's not the case. A friend (but not a great friend) of mine went from a size 10 to a size 6 and was really proud of herself and talked about her nutrition achievements and kept suggesting i went along to her fitness group... I smiled and was saying i was happy for her, but not for me thanks "I'm ok with myself for now" - but a part of me thought "fuck you, stop going on about it 🙄". I know that's totally unreasonable of me and not nice, she was only wanting whats best for me, but its how I felt!

Unfortunately, being overweight we often can try and fool ourselves into thinking that we are happy with who we are and don't care - when that's not really true. Things like this message bring these feelings to the surface.

The op literally said she isn't a size 24 so she's dead right to be annoyed and correct her.

gamerchick · 02/04/2025 17:17

What do you reply? Who offers people old leggings anyway, even if they do fit?

Send her a nip it in the bud reply and if it carries on, ask her what she's playing at.

JillMW · 02/04/2025 17:25

Just say, oh wow thank you! That is really kind but actually I am s size …

or hey! What a cheek😂 I am actually a size…

I don’t think she means to be rude. We really cannot go through life being upset by people who say something that upsets us. It is so easy to analyse a snap shot but honestly I bet there are times when you have unwittingly said something that upset someone but unless they mention it you won’t know.

If you think large leggings is an insult a work colleague was cleaning out her locker post hysterectomy. She sent porters to my office with a bin bag full of already opened packs of sanitary towels, washed but worn period pants, personal wipes, deodorant, calming lotion and a washed used period cup. The chap emptied it on my desk and then exclaimed “ oh do you have an issue?”

Springsnowdrops · 02/04/2025 17:27

Oh no thanks ..I've not been a size 24 for a long time ,try vinted or a charity shop ..
That's all u need to say

Laura36TTC · 02/04/2025 17:32

gamerchick · 02/04/2025 17:17

What do you reply? Who offers people old leggings anyway, even if they do fit?

Send her a nip it in the bud reply and if it carries on, ask her what she's playing at.

Exactly! Makes me feel sick the thought of wearing someone’s leggings 🙄😂

TheWayTheLightFalls · 02/04/2025 17:40

No thanks, wardrobe’s full to bursting, found Vinted good for clothes I don’t need x

I wouldn’t be sharing what size you are or aren’t, she clearly has some sort of issue.

Baconmaple · 02/04/2025 17:46

Definitely tell her they would be too big for you as otherwise she will keep offering feigning innocence.
If you've said they are too big and she still does it you can be more forceful. If you are being gently polite with an excuse then she'll keep offering

simpledeer · 02/04/2025 17:48

I can’t understand how you didn’t just respond the first time saying I am size X but thanks for thinking of me.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 02/04/2025 17:49

PoppyBaxter · 02/04/2025 10:46

I'd reply with "Blimey, they'd be much too big for me these days, but thanks for thinking of me".

This sounds great.

I personally would accept nothing in any form or suggest you're open to it. Because you'll be forever tied to this narrative. Any follow up texts after sending the above. I wouldn't reply. You'll need strong boundaries if this is a CF.

I feel this is very tactless behaviour and it may well be deliberate. Yes people can be real dicks in reality.

So I would probably distance a little bit from this person tbh.

( I'm chronically underweight and I don't like that. It's out my control due to illness. So I'm someone without direct experience of this particular dynamic, and despite that, I do feel that the friend is and may continue to use you to make themselves feel better.Thats not good for your well being really. I don't believe for one minute this is a jealousy problem from you OP).

LusciousLemons · 02/04/2025 17:52

I have absolutely experienced this too. I think a lot of people who have been overweight for a long time struggle to get a sense of what real sizes look like. This distorted sense of reality is made worse if they are losing weight and seeing it on the scales but not in the mirror. It can be really hard to get a true sense of what you truly are compared to others. I have an old friend who has always been quite a bit larger than me (though we are both overweight). She has passed clothes to me when in periods of losing weight that are patently too large for me (often 2-3 sizes too big at least) and I have felt insulted at the time. But I don’t think it comes from any kind of bad place.
The suggested responses above are all good so I’d pick one of those and put it out of your mind. She’s probably so delighted to be losing weight that in her excitement she thinks she’s got smaller than you - but she won’t be able to really tell and her perceptions will be warped.
if I went on how I felt and what I saw in the mirror my perceived weight (not my actual weight!) would be fluctuating by a good 4 dress sizes in the course of any week!

Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 17:54

Some people are actually deluded about their own size 😂😂

Especially when they compare themselves to friends and think they are slimmer

What size are you OP?

luna2025 · 02/04/2025 17:55

She sounds like my mum when I was a teenager
“oh I’m so much slimmer than you, oh my shoulders are tiny next to yours”
I was a size 14, she was a 26
But she would make me try clothes on in plus size shops and buy me stuff in a size 24 “so it doesn’t cling”

BatchCookBabe · 02/04/2025 18:02

Maybe it's just me being a cynical old witch, but I think this is coming from a place of spite and bitchiness. She may not even realise she's doing it, but it is a dig at you not being thin @Lifeisbetterwithcake When people lose weight, they notice how much 'bigger' people are now. Someone who was only 1-2 stone away from them in weight looked fine/like them pretty much, but when they're 5-6 stone lighter that person now looks much bigger (even though said person is still the same weight.)

Some people do make nasty barbed little jibes towards people who are bigger (size 18 or more) and I don't know why, and even people who were that size themselves do it. You'd think they'd know how hurtful it is, and not do it.

Sorry @Lifeisbetterwithcake but I think she is acting like a spiteful little b1tch. Don't rise to it though. As previous posters have said, just message back and say 'I'm nowhere near that size, so these clothes will be no good to me, and also, I have a pretty full wardrobe anyway. Thanks for thinking of me though.'

And who the fuck wants someone second hand leggings?! BOAK! 😖

Original poster
Lifeisbetterwithcake · 02/04/2025 18:13

Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 17:54

Some people are actually deluded about their own size 😂😂

Especially when they compare themselves to friends and think they are slimmer

What size are you OP?

I'm an 18/20

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 02/04/2025 18:16

@BatchCookBabe I think you're right. Nobody wants second hand leggings. You can buy leggings for a pittance now, new.

So why would someone offer second hand cheapo leggings!?;

This person needs to be dodged is my initial feeling.