Is my teen son being coercively controlled?

[Anonymousforthisone2025]

My son is 15 and so is his girlfriend of around 3 months. She's been to our home for dinner but they spend most of the time in his room. So far in the relationship she has made him wear a bobble on his wrist to indicate he's taken, changed her Snapchat name on his phone to My Girl, insists he spends all his break times at school with her and yesterday he came back from her house with some handprint artwork featuring bother their hand prints overlapping each other that he has to display in his room. I may be over reacting, mainly because I was in a coercive relationship which I didn't even realise until years later so please talk me down if I am.
Is this just normal tern behaviour nowadays? I don't remember that far back and I didn't have a boyfriend until 17 and he was the coercive one 🙄

Not from the examples given.

it’s common for teen relationships to be quite intense.

Swooping items of clothing or wearing someone’s ring is very common.

changing her name on his phone - meh.

making an artwork that shows they are together and asking him to put it up?

sounds normal.

I think what you're seeing is somewhere between typical teenage intensity and potential red flags. At 15, relationships can be quite dramatic and all-consuming from what I remember.

Some of these things (the handprint art, silly nicknames) seem like normal teenage romance stuff. But the wrist band/bobble as a "taken" marker and insisting he spends ALL his breaks with her is edging into controlling behaviour, whether that's through insecurity or other issues who knows, I would lean more to insecurity but regardless not healthy!

Your own experience with a coercive relationship is making you sensitive to this and honestly, that's not a bad thing. Rather than confronting directly, maybe have casual conversations about what healthy relationships look like? Ask open questions about how he feels about spending all his breaks with her instead of sometimes with his mates.

My 6yo is obviously nowhere near dating age (thank god 😂), but I'm already trying to build those conversations about respecting others' independence and what good friendships look like.

Trust your instincts and make sure above all you keep the lines of communication open. Maybe mention you noticed the handprint art and use it as a conversation starter: "That's sweet - was it her idea? Do you like having it displayed?" His answers might tell you a lot about whether he's being pressured or if he's genuinely happy about all this.

I wouldn’t be alarmed just yet but do keep an eye on things and have a talk about healthy relationships, being able to spend time apart, not being jealous etc

The only thing I think is a red flag is insisting on spending every break together. I'd be gently questioning him if he misses his friends, how they feel that he is choosing to spend none of his breaks with them, and check that he is doing this because he wants to (which he might well do) or because he feels like he has to

Thank you for the replies so far. He says she has "made him" change his snap chat and wear the bobble but I agree it could just be the first intensity of the relationship. We do talk as far as a teen boy will talk with his mortifyingly embarrassing Mum so hopefully he knows he can tell me if he's overly worried. Might be the time to tell him about my coercive relationship so he can at least understand how insidious it is and how hard to spot. She seems lovely, so hopefully I'm projecting a little bit

haha, isn't this just normal teenage intensity? the only concern is that if he's not feeling the same level of intense feelings, then perhaps this relationship isn't right. At that age, never mind spending all breaks together, we were glued to our boyfriend/girlfriend's side, to th epoint where teachers would be patrolling plagrounds to prevent "inappropriate touching".

It's awful and embarassing to think back on... but teenagers are very intense!

I agree with you op, have a chat about your own previous experience, it will be helpful for him to consider comparisons to his own situation and make him aware for future reference in this or any other relationships - and keep the lines of communication open. 💐

i believe personally this is typical “young love” or “young relationships” they are intense. this all sounds normal to me. just keep an eye on being able to spend healthy time apart from eachother. is he not feeling the same way? maybe ask him.

I would be talking to him about healthy relationships. If you and his Dad are still together does he see you have friends you go out with or his Dad does? ie it is normal within a relationship to also be able to spend time with other people. Point this out to him. Ds and I would talk as I cooked so he could literally stand where I couldn't see him in the kitchen but we could have open conversations. We used to use tv shows to point out controlling behaviour (Ross from Friends) and also that a girlfriend should be as easy as being with your mates. If a mate forced you to spend every break time together you would know something was a bit odd about that and would hopefully say I want to spend time with all my friends, not just one.

I would talk to him about your relationship and about how that went. Mine were told love isn't enough and both Dh and I have talked to them about our own experiences. My sons are now almost 22 and almost 19.

The other stuff is normal but he can change the name back on Snapchat if he wants. He shouldn't be afraid to do things like that. It doesn't always have to be what she wants.

Teens are intense because it feels intense. Haven't we all got some memory of that ourselves and our own stupidity too.

I’ve had a son go through an abusive controlling relationship at a similar age and I think these are in between normal teenage intensity and controlling. It’s her response that would help determine which one it is.
How does she respond if he doesn’t wear the bobble or says he wants to spend time with his friends?

Thank you, it's good to hear from a mums of older boys as my friends all have girls! Me and my husband are together and yes we do things away from each other so hopefully he understands that's ok. Unfortunately my intense teen relationship was the coercive one, hence why I didn't recognise it for what it actually was until years later

These are the questions I try to ask but he gets embarrassed and tells me to shut up! I guess I just keep telling him I'm available if he needs/wants to talk

My son was in a coercive relationship. Red flags were things like not replying immediately to snaps/messages even if he was studying/at a piano lesson, watching a film with family (during lockdown we paid for a livestream and he was berated for being with us and not responding to her.

Isolating him from his friends because she didn't like them. It didn't end well.

I think sometimes they see things but need it pointing out like you seeing your friends. We talked a lot about enthusiastic repeated consent and taking things very slowly.

Bedroom doors were open and invite her to lunch or dinner. You can say things like I like how she does X but I am not sure about Y. What do you think?

You can even make stuff up to bring a topic up, do you can be talking to your DH (pre warned) and say Marjorie at work and the issue with daughter or whatever. Just make sure your son is there, ask him from a boy's perspective what he thinks. Have lots of conversations.

I think it's quite normal for 'first love' to be very intense. I don't think I'd be worrying just yet, keep the lines of communication open and talk to him about healthy relationships and how it's important to not drop all your mates because you're in a relationship. Hopefully the intensity will drop over time and he'll get a good balance between time with his girlfriend, seeing his mates and spending time with his family.

Yeah, I think she’s going to be a problem for him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/#:~:text=Coercive%20control%20is%20an%20act,punish%2C%20or%20frighten%20their%20victim.

Coercive control is a criminal offence. Coercive control and controlling behaviour aren't always the same thing but can be conflated.

You're likely sensitive due to your experiences which is understandable. Just keep an eye and keep an open dialogue going.

My son has just come out of a very coercive relationship, I blame myself for not noticing sooner and intervening. I said it was usual teenage first love but it got to the point he was eating his tea in 5 minutes otherwise she would make his life hell for being off of the phone, he didn’t join in with family time, lost all his friends. It’s been 2 years of hell. So I understand why you’re being cautious and showing concern.

I don’t like the sound of her.
She sounds possessive and controlling.
Especially with the bobble on his wrist and having to spend all of his breaks with her. She doesn’t own him and he should be able to make choices about who he spends his time with.

Yes teenage relationships can be intense, but that’s no excuse for coercive behaviour.

Yes I think it sounds like intense teenager stuff where the GF has learnt these things are important to do when your in a romantic relationship, sounds a bit bossy was my first thought.

id just query with him the use of the words “made me”

also the fact that you said your embarrassingly mortifying for him signals to me he may have wanted to check it out with you

Maybe try and talk about relationship dynamics in terms of our own boundaries rather than focus on her as that will drive him towards as the old saying goes

Normal at that age. I'd be more worried about all the time she's in his room and the patter of tiny feet

I thought similar when DS had his first girlfriend.
She bought him a bracelet that said Her King, (we teased him about that), they spent a lot of time together and were a bit intense.
They are still together though and she's lovely. It's just a teenage thing - they get a bit over the top at first.
I would remind him not to alienate his friends and lose them but not worry about it too much.

I think you are right to be showing concern

. I do think if you had a daughter and her boyfriend was acting in this way, this wouldn't be labelled as 'young love' as it has been

What @Nutmuncher said.

I would be removing all devices at 9pm to give him a chance to breathe. He can have them back at 7.30.

And no more bedroom time. Every thing in sight.

“mum and dad won’t let me “ is still a valid excuse at this age so use it.

Exactly!

If a boyfriend was insisting that his girlfriend spends every break with him, taking her away from her friends, and dictating that her phone contact and bracelet demonstrate that she belongs to him, everyone would be screaming 'red flags'.