Is my teen son being coercively controlled?

[Anonymousforthisone2025]

My son is 15 and so is his girlfriend of around 3 months. She's been to our home for dinner but they spend most of the time in his room. So far in the relationship she has made him wear a bobble on his wrist to indicate he's taken, changed her Snapchat name on his phone to My Girl, insists he spends all his break times at school with her and yesterday he came back from her house with some handprint artwork featuring bother their hand prints overlapping each other that he has to display in his room. I may be over reacting, mainly because I was in a coercive relationship which I didn't even realise until years later so please talk me down if I am.
Is this just normal tern behaviour nowadays? I don't remember that far back and I didn't have a boyfriend until 17 and he was the coercive one 🙄

I’ve heard of the bobble on the wrist thing I think it’s a newish teen thing to show your taken. One of the boys at my daughter’s school was showing his off recently. I also think spending all school breaks together is fairly common, although usually they’d also be with either his mates or hers. So she joins his friends or he joins hers, but occasionally just them. I’d be more interested to see what happens when they are apart. Does she message or FaceTime constantly. Does he have to reply immediately and if he doesn’t she gets either angry or upset. Again regular messaging is common but it’s the need for an immediate reply that’s a concern. Also spending hours on FaceTime when they aren’t really chatting about much but she wants him to stay on anyway pretty much the whole time is a concern. A good test is to say no a few times and see how she responds. If he’s made to feel bad because she’s upset over it or has to grovel because she’s angry then there a problem. Also if she decides she doesn’t like his friends for some reason and tries to get him to stop seeing them that’s also worrying. From what you’ve said so far I’d not be too concerned but keep a lookout for these other things and maybe discuss them now because once they’re already happening might be too late to make him see.

Might be standard teen relationship, but I completely understand why you are worried. Is he doing these things because he wants to, or because he is afraid of her reaction if he doesn’t? That’s the nub of it, I think.

I think you are projecting, plus these things seem to bother you and not him, maybe he wants to spend all his lunch with her and wear her hairband on his wrist. Has he expressed that these things are an issue for him or is it just an issue for you?

It's pretty normal teenager stuff, that said, they are learning how to do relationships and she needs to learn to respect his boundaries and he needs to learn to be comfortable putting them down. In a few more years this behaviour would be a massive red flag if still going!

With teenagers I think it better to drop nuggets and move on rather than have big chats... If he brings similar things up...say things like, it's ok to tell her you want to spend time with your friends as well as her....and then move the conversation on...at some point say...it's ok to have boundaries/space so you don't end up feeling smothered.....if you're not comfortable, you can say no.... etc just to consistently reinforce the message that a) he gets a say b) healthy relationships have time apart as well as time together

It is normal, but it can easily spiral. My son had his first girlfriend at the same age. She was lovely, but insecure and possessive and that turned quite quickly into coercion. It started subtly but before long she'd stopped him talking to all his female friends, even ones he'd been friends with since primary school. She messaged relentlessly, expecting him to reply instantly and insisted on spending every minute of free time with him, so he withdrew from his other friends and hobbies. She said she'd harm herself if he split up with her and cut herself to show him that she meant it. That was all within the space of a couple of months. DS was completely out of his depth - not too surprising really, most adults would be. Fortunately he talked to me and between us we sorted it all out (kindly and so that the girl was safe). I know that's an extreme story, but given that it can happen, it's worth chatting to your son. If I had my time again I'd definitely have done that with mine. You can say it's not about his current girlfriend, it's just a chat you should have now he's starting to have relationships and that knowing what's reasonable in a relationship is as important as knowing about sex. Tell him what happened to my son if it helps. Good luck!

Bobble thing is normal - I’ve seen my teen son doing this with girlfriends. They won’t even be together in a few months - wouldn’t worry about it.

Am I the only one that read for ages thinking DS was walking around with a bobble hat attached to his wrist & thinking it must get a bit grungy?😂

Four kids all adults now .I always made it clear that friends come first don't forget or you will regret it later. Also that their partners should let them live their lives not interfere and dominate and equally my kids should not try to live others lives for them.