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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to say no to flakey friend

43 replies

BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 08:47

I like Sue but she is flakey AF and constantly cancels arrangements, normally last minute.

A few years ago she cancelled a theatre trip with 2hrs to go. She got really annoyed with me for going by myself anyway and not bothering to try and sell/give away her ticket. She moaned that she lost money. That pissed me right off and now I only arrange things that don't matter if she cancels.

It's not just me she cancels on.

I asked if anyone wanted to do an event and only Sue said yes. She always pays her way but if she cancels I'd be out of pocket for my own ticket, travel etc. Plus, I'll be really disappointed because it's not sonething I would do by myself.

I don't want to say I'm "double booked" in case someone else decides they want to do it. If someone more reliable is coming too, then it would be lovely for Sue to come or it wouldn't matter if she cancels.

So how can I politely say " I'm not booking it with just you, you flake"?

I know things crop up and everyone cancels sometimes but she is ridiculous.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 02/04/2025 08:50

Can you not go alone? What's the activity? If it was theatre it wouldn't stop me from going alone although I'd rather go with someone.

But no, yanbu, flakes are awful. You could say something has come up and you can no longer make it?

BMW6 · 02/04/2025 08:52

I'd just say sorry but you've let me down too often in the past so I'm not going to risk booking it with you.

QuickPeachPoet · 02/04/2025 08:53

BMW6 · 02/04/2025 08:52

I'd just say sorry but you've let me down too often in the past so I'm not going to risk booking it with you.

This. It’s really shitty behaviour and would be telling her so.

Whatatodo79 · 02/04/2025 08:54

What about asking if she is sure she's going ti make it?

Boligrafo · 02/04/2025 08:55

I’d be entirely upfront and say what you’ve said here. That she has a habit of cancelling last minute, and as it’s not something you would do alone, you don’t want to be out of pocket for ticket and travel.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 02/04/2025 08:55

BMW6 · 02/04/2025 08:52

I'd just say sorry but you've let me down too often in the past so I'm not going to risk booking it with you.

This

Maddy70 · 02/04/2025 08:56

Just say "but you always cancel!"

rainbowstardrops · 02/04/2025 08:57

BMW6 · 02/04/2025 08:52

I'd just say sorry but you've let me down too often in the past so I'm not going to risk booking it with you.

I’d say this. At the very least I’d be asking her if she’s definitely going to turn up this time.

Swiftie1878 · 02/04/2025 08:57

The only example you’ve given was (albeit a bad experience) several years ago.

How often is she flakey? Can you create a list?
If so, I’d be honest with her and say you won’t arrange it with just her in case she lets you down again, but if someone else wants to join in you’d be happy to all go together.

Original poster
BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 08:58

researchers3 · 02/04/2025 08:50

Can you not go alone? What's the activity? If it was theatre it wouldn't stop me from going alone although I'd rather go with someone.

But no, yanbu, flakes are awful. You could say something has come up and you can no longer make it?

I did go to the theatre by myself when she cancelled on me.

Most things I'd go by myself if there was no one to go with me but this is a club evening and would be absolutely no fun by myself.

As I said, I don't want to say I can't go in case someone else decides they can.

OP posts:
Pl242 · 02/04/2025 09:03

Just say in the group chat “think we need a least one more person to make a night of it. Any other takers? If not, let’s just leave it”

if your flakey friend persists re planning it just you two, just tell her straight that you’re worried, given her track record, that she’ll cancel last minute. And as it’s not something you’d go to alone to don’t want to pay for something that might not happen.

Original poster
BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 09:05

Swiftie1878 · 02/04/2025 08:57

The only example you’ve given was (albeit a bad experience) several years ago.

How often is she flakey? Can you create a list?
If so, I’d be honest with her and say you won’t arrange it with just her in case she lets you down again, but if someone else wants to join in you’d be happy to all go together.

In the 2 months...

  1. Pulled out of a meal with friends. We did it anyway.
  2. Cancelled drinks with colleagues (which she organised!). We did it anyway.
  3. Cancelled a coffee with me x 2
  4. Pulled out of a cinema trip with me. I went anyway.
  5. Pulled out of a work trip with me. I went with someone else. TBF, I can understand this one.

What we DID do:

  1. Got a sandwich in the staff canteen together x 2.

I mentioned the theatre because that was the last straw. As you can see above, I don't do anything with just her anymore unless it's something I'm willing to cancel or do by myself.

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 02/04/2025 09:06

If she's so flakey I wouldn't put too much thought into politely flaking on her. Just say, "Actually I've thought about it and don't want to go anymore."

Original poster
BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 09:07

RickiRaccoon · 02/04/2025 09:06

If she's so flakey I wouldn't put too much thought into politely flaking on her. Just say, "Actually I've thought about it and don't want to go anymore."

But I do! 🤣

OP posts:
Phoenix1Arisen · 02/04/2025 09:09

Why do you describe her as a friend? From that list, she isn't a friend, just a taker who will happily use you when, and if, it suits her. There's a word for that kind of attitude - selfish.

lazycats · 02/04/2025 09:09

BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 09:05

In the 2 months...

  1. Pulled out of a meal with friends. We did it anyway.
  2. Cancelled drinks with colleagues (which she organised!). We did it anyway.
  3. Cancelled a coffee with me x 2
  4. Pulled out of a cinema trip with me. I went anyway.
  5. Pulled out of a work trip with me. I went with someone else. TBF, I can understand this one.

What we DID do:

  1. Got a sandwich in the staff canteen together x 2.

I mentioned the theatre because that was the last straw. As you can see above, I don't do anything with just her anymore unless it's something I'm willing to cancel or do by myself.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah, that’s ridiculous. The suggestion above that you say to friends it’s only worth it if three of you go is good, and if she moans then just remind her of what you’ve written here.

Swiftie1878 · 02/04/2025 09:12

BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 09:05

In the 2 months...

  1. Pulled out of a meal with friends. We did it anyway.
  2. Cancelled drinks with colleagues (which she organised!). We did it anyway.
  3. Cancelled a coffee with me x 2
  4. Pulled out of a cinema trip with me. I went anyway.
  5. Pulled out of a work trip with me. I went with someone else. TBF, I can understand this one.

What we DID do:

  1. Got a sandwich in the staff canteen together x 2.

I mentioned the theatre because that was the last straw. As you can see above, I don't do anything with just her anymore unless it's something I'm willing to cancel or do by myself.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah, that’s bonkers. I’d tell her the truth - you’re a flake, sorry!

notatinydancer · 02/04/2025 09:12

I’d only book if someone else says they’ll come.
I’m not making excuses but we have a friend like this , she always fully intends to come but has anxiety and often on the day she just can’t. We always get the money up front or tell her to book separately.
She missed a holiday once , she must have lost thousands over the years.

Mamofboys5972 · 02/04/2025 09:17

My family is very girl heavy and there's a "squad" of us who always do things together. Except one member, DSIL. She cancels every single time we organise something so to be honest we've just stopped asking her. She tried to get annoyed with us about being left out and I had to tell her, I said look you've never actually been anywhere with us yet! We can't keep buying big group tickets and then losing money. She wasn't happy but now she gets it, we're going whether you are or not, I want the money up front, and if you're planning on canceling anyway then don't say yes in the first place 🤷‍♀️ we always expect her to cancel so it's never much of a disappointment anymore. I would tell Sue the truth, you're worried to book up alone with her because you're worried she'll cancel and you dont want to be left alone. Flakes are, more often than not, aware of their behaviours.

Original poster
BeatleBattleInABottle · 02/04/2025 09:19

If I ask her if she'll definitely be coming, she'll say yes but it won't affect whether she cancels.

I don't want to just say "you've cancelled too many times to book with just you" because she'll take it very, very personally.

I'm going to sound absolutely awful now and like the worse person /friend in the world and you will all hate me and lay into me... she says she suffers from poor mental health and anxiety. However she turns this on and off. Poor mental health and anxiety are a big issue I know this but she uses it as an excuse. For instance, she cancelled something with a mutual friend claiming she couldn't cope. The next day she posted pictures of her out partying with her boyfriend. You don't go from being so anxious you can't leave the house for a quiet coffee with a really, really good old friend to going to a big night out in another city the next day. She also switches it on and off at work depending on whether she wants to do something. She keeps applying for promotion and says that when she gets it, all her issues about work travel will disappear.

I support her as much as I can eg taking the above work off her, letting her rant to me etc. I know if I tell her the real reason she'll feel like I'm picking on her for her health.

I'm not an awful person really, I promise.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 02/04/2025 09:20

So stop organising things with her and when she questions it, be honest, "you can't be surprised, Sue, you flake out on everything!"

Tagyoureit · 02/04/2025 09:21

From your recent post, she is disingenuous. Even more reason to pull back

Slobberchops1 · 02/04/2025 09:23

I don’t know why you are bothered about her feelings when she has such little regard for yours

I like the above idea of saying let’s get a few more involved and if no takers your not going

PullTheBricksDown · 02/04/2025 09:24

Pl242 · 02/04/2025 09:03

Just say in the group chat “think we need a least one more person to make a night of it. Any other takers? If not, let’s just leave it”

if your flakey friend persists re planning it just you two, just tell her straight that you’re worried, given her track record, that she’ll cancel last minute. And as it’s not something you’d go to alone to don’t want to pay for something that might not happen.

This. Maybe message a couple of the others in the group separately and see if they can be persuaded?

Turtlepineapple · 02/04/2025 09:29

You don't go from being so anxious you can't leave the house for a quiet coffee with a really, really good old friend to going to a big night out in another city the next day

In her defence I struggle with anxiety and health anxiety and you can most certainly feel absolutely fine and like nothings happened the day after a serious low. I’ve had days of “I can’t cope” followed by I’m absolutely dandy let’s go out and have fun.

However, I would never flake on my friends this much. I would either be honest and message her privately saying she cancels a lot so you’re just a bit nervous to lose money or in the group chat say it would be best if at least 3 of you go

Given her history of flaking there’s no way I’d risk it