How to say no to flakey friend

[BeatleBattleInABottle]

I like Sue but she is flakey AF and constantly cancels arrangements, normally last minute.

A few years ago she cancelled a theatre trip with 2hrs to go. She got really annoyed with me for going by myself anyway and not bothering to try and sell/give away her ticket. She moaned that she lost money. That pissed me right off and now I only arrange things that don't matter if she cancels.

It's not just me she cancels on.

I asked if anyone wanted to do an event and only Sue said yes. She always pays her way but if she cancels I'd be out of pocket for my own ticket, travel etc. Plus, I'll be really disappointed because it's not sonething I would do by myself.

I don't want to say I'm "double booked" in case someone else decides they want to do it. If someone more reliable is coming too, then it would be lovely for Sue to come or it wouldn't matter if she cancels.

So how can I politely say " I'm not booking it with just you, you flake"?

I know things crop up and everyone cancels sometimes but she is ridiculous.

I would be honest and say I will only go if someone else comes as I wouldn’t want to be in the position of being alone at a club night or losing money. I know you said she’d take it personally, but why do her feelings trump yours? It happened to me once when three of us were going to a gig and the other two cancelled as they weren’t “feeling it” an hour and a half before it started. I went alone but made my feelings clear and it’s never happened again.

Your hesitation is totally valid.

I'd put something neutral like "cool, let's see if we have any other takers before we commit"

If she queries that
"I don't want to pay with just two of us committed in case something happens closer to the time"

Either be upfront with her about why you don't want to attend events on the premise of just her coming, or message everyone in the group except her to ensure someone else is up for it before you put anything on there.

Well seeing as you don't want to say anything to her then obviously nothing is going to change. Personally, I'd send her a message along the lines of-

Sorry friend, you've let me down last minute for planned events too many times and it's not something I want to do by myself.

I have a flaky friend. She has FOMO massively and I realise that she wants to be asked to do something more than actually doing it. She would be mortality offended at not being asked but that seems to satisfy her and she rarely goes through with plans

Then if you can’t tell her the truth (which I still think you should, btw - if she takes it badly, she takes it badly, but she’s a grown up and should be made aware and accountable for her behaviour), just tell her you’re going to mull it over and see if any more people are interested, as it’ll be more fun in a bigger group.

Where did you post about it? And has she answered you personally or like in a group chat?

Can you just say something along the lines of.

‘I’d love to come, but I know you’ve struggled with your mental health in the past and if you aren’t able to attend it’ll leave me out of pocket and it’s not the sort of thing I can go to alone. If we book can we also make sure someone else is also attending. This way it’ll take the pressure off you to attend if you’re not feeling up to it’

This sounds familiar. I have a friend who will suggest theatre trips for 3 of us. She always cancels at short notice and then the other one, who lives near her, presumably can't be bothered travelling alone so she cancels too.
This has happened 3 times and left me to scrabble around for someone to come with me at short notice, or to go alone.
Now if she asks I say No, because you'll probably end up cancelling.
She knows it's true and it hasn't affected our friendship in other ways.

You can’t tell her you won’t go if it’s just her who has responded because then she will say well why did you include me in the first place if you think I’m so unreliable, and she would have a point there wouldn’t she.
Why did you include her ?

Depending on the timing of the event, I think you should wait as long as you can for others to join …maybe with private reminders that you’d appreciate their company if they can make it, and if nobody else is willing to go then tell your unreliable friend that something has come up and you can no longer make it.

I'd just be honest with her. Be kind and non-confrontational, but point out how often she cancels at the last minute.

Maybe there's a reason she cancels, and this conversation might let her talk about it. Eg a medical condition that can flare up with short notice, or sudden anxiety attacks, or childcare issues.

Either way, it would help her to know the effect her behaviour has on others. Otherwise she'll think you just don't like her and don't want to go unless you have better company, which is hurtful.

Options:

1. Turn it around on her. Tell her you know she’s busy and that if she can’t make it and it would be a shame if she buys a ticket and then can’t make it because she will lose money
2. Tell her that you want to go with someone who can definitely make it as you’ll be sharing a hotel and travel etc.
3. Tell her she can come but she had to pay you upfront for the hotel room and ticket, so that you’re not out of pocket if she flakes.

You have be direct with these people. My friend great for paying up. Hate asking others as you wondering are you stuck with unpaid tickets if they pull out

I’d just tell her, what have you got to lose? I’m like that though, I’d have told her long ago. ‘Ok let’s see if anyone else can go too, you’ve canceled on nearly everything in the last few months and I don’t want to be stuck with this.’ Let her go off, not my problem she’s mad. If she goes off about her mental health you say I’m still here aren’t I? I am supporting but I also don’t want to be left stranded for something an hour beforehand again. I’m allowed to not want that, because it’s shit. You wouldn’t enjoy it either.

So what, though? You just want to know that someone will show up on the night. Why she cancels, or how she manages poor MH isn’t primarily your concern. Neither is how she responds to you telling her your position on booking an event with her.

You’re not an awful person, in fact you’re obviously very kind and considerate or you wouldn’t be having this dilemma.
I understand that you don’t want to upset her by being honest, but from what you’ve said, she doesn’t seem to be bothered about letting you down or blaming you for her losing money when she cancels, does she?

I don't think anxiety issues give her the excuse of always letting you down last minute.

Lots of people have anxiety disorders and MH problems, but they either don't make commitments they're likely to break, or they manage their anxiety eg with medication.

When I had PND plus flare-ups of my physical condition, I didn't make plans with friends unless I knew i could keep to it. Backing out last minute is really rude and disrespectful, unless it's a one-off emergency!

How about softening the message then:

"I know that sometimes you have to cancel at the last minute, so I'm just going to wait and see if someone else can come too as I don't want to be alone for this one."

To be honest, if she gets upset then that's on her - it's one thing to regularly cancel plans, but you really can't then get upset when people respond accordingly!