I've overreacted with my 13 year old and feel awful

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I feel awful. Just need validation or putting me in my place which I already know. Please be gentle but honest.

I have two DD 13 and 10 and their dad sees the
EOW and some days in each holiday period.

DD13 recently posted on her status a pic of her and DD10 with their dad and new wife and children. She's never posted one of me and our family unit (also consisting of step dad and new sibling). I felt hurt and spoke to her about it which escalated and I gt overly emotional and just said it can be quite upsetting for me and makes me feel a certain way.

she has posted previously about her dad and said new family and normally doesn't bother me but I check her phone regularly and came across a convo with her dad and her and she's send pics of stuff I brought her to him asking for his approval and it just bugged me as he never thought I was good enough and had good taste and now it seems she's in the same page ... she only wore the terms I purchased for her after dad okayed them. I feel useless and insignificant in her life despite doing everything for her and prioritising her and my family always.
i think I took it out on her my feelings by focusing on the status a bit too much and she called me jealous. My DH says I will push her away with my emotional over sharing with her but I feel like I've failed her and I'm losing her to her dad.

I feel like a terrible mum who should be in check with my emotions. Help please Amy way to recover from this.

I did apologise and cry and say sorry this is my issue nothing you did and I will work on my over sensitivity and over sharing. We both cried but I think I've ruined it,

You haven't ruined anything but its obviously not ideal to put her in the position of feeling guilty about having a relationship with her father. I think you do need to really consider the way she will feel being placed in such an uncomfortable position by you in the future. Its done now, youve apologised so time to move forward and be more mindful in future

First off you haven’t ruined it she is your daughter and she is behaving with you like a teenage daughter

that said you are looking st it wrongly she is feeling exactly what you felt with him never good enough and is desperate for his approval and rather than working on that with her you have made it a little about you.

Thankyou for this. I didn't see it like this...

She’s trying to navigate two new step parents and two new half siblings. And she’s 13. She’s doing her best.

Listen to your husband, he knows you and he can see what’s going on. Find a better way to process your stuff about your ex that doesn’t involve your kids - rant to a mate, write a diary, pay a therapist. I know you already feel bad but there’s a lot of justification in your post of your behaviour towards her. She’s a passenger in the huge life decisions you’ve made that she’s already dealing with and can’t control and you’ve given her a load of shit about a photo. That’s incredibly unfair, hurtful, childish. You’re the parent.

Thankyou. I needed to hear this... how do I fix it?

One way to fix it would be to say to her ‘you know what, you called it absolutely right, I was jealous in the moment. I absolutely need to work on that as it’s great you have a good relationship with Dad as well as me. I’m so proud of you for being able to cope with having two families so well’.

Also be kind to yourself - you aren’t imagining how hard the situation is- it really is. Sharing her with another family - heart wrenching. Of course you were jealous, of course! Who wouldn’t be. You are her mum though - she has only got one and it’s you. As she gets to be a woman, she’ll see how important that is, more and more. Just stay present and loving for her now and it will come right.

Teenage girls desperately want validation from their dads. They don’t seek it from their mums because they feel they already have unconditional love from us. It’s very normal. I think it’s okay to be honest about feelings being hurt but it does sound like you took it too far. You’ve said sorry so move on so you allow dd to move on too.

And here is how social media is making teens' (and others of all ages) lives difficult.
This sounds like a terribly difficult time for all of you. Give her lots of hugs.

It sounds like you need some help working through your feelings, but she is not responsible for them and she is not the person to talk to about it. She is entitled to a good relationship with her father, and she shouldn't have to deal with you being upset about that. Loving her Dad and his family doesn't mean she doesn't love you and yours, but if you make it into a big issue she will suffer and it will probably harm your relationship with her.

Thankyou so much for this. I'm crying just reading the responses. I just feel like I'm losing her and I don't know how to stop her from going so far away... she's my first born and I have to share her with her dad and have huge milestones without her. .

I know this is going to sound harsh but you need to be the parent here. All this confronting and crying and drama is too much. Your DD needs you to be the calm, confident grown up, not someone acting like another teenager. As a PP said, find someone else for emotional support and to offload to, not your poor daughter.

Harsh is good and I agree. I messed up.

Exactly this, she craves his approval. It's fairly common for kids to seek some sort of connection or validation from a parent they rarely see and EOW is rarely seeing him. I know there's school holidays, but he doesn't play much of a role in their day to day life. My middle DS has taken his dads side and I know from my other kids (I don't ask) that he's saying sometimes very horrible things about me when at his dads. But I know he loves me and I know he is seeking something like approval or connection or even safety in my case, xh is emotionally abusive. Yes it hurts, but it's my job as their parent to carry those burdens without putting my emotional responses on to them. He also repeats lies ex has said and I do gently correct them if they're about something factual. You haven't ruined it, but moving forward you do need to found an outlet or a way to cope without putting your feelings onto your DD and without catastrophising which is what you're doing here thinking you've ruined everything.

This post is very insightful.

Listen OP, you have given her shit about the Facebook post which wasn't ideal but was also understandable - forgive yourself, as she will not doubt forgive you.

But the thing that stands out to me is, it's fucking weird for a 13 year old (I have one and also work with them) to ask for their dad's approval in order to wear an item of clothing..... It sounds like she feels controlled by him in some way? Anxious and desperate to please him?

Because this here is the big problem and the one that needs resolving. Why did she do that?. Frankly it's fucking weird by anybody's standards. (Thought without going onto too much detail as I don't feel comfortable doing So, it's not a millionaire n miles away from something my own DD has struggled with with her dad, who can be controlling). So if you can, give her space and understanding to talk about it. It would be a start at least.

Oh OP I get it - am a single parent. But you must never do this again. Apologise and explain you were totally unreasonable and your feelings are yours and all you care about is her happiness. My parents did similar and it is horrible and hard to shake off as you get older, worrying about how everyone feels. Please put this behind you but put a smile on and deal with your feelings elsewhere

No you haven’t ruined it but it definitely can’t happen again. You sound like a hormonal teenager! Social media is not real life!
But I think you know that. Draw a line under it.

I just wanted to respond to you because I know EXACTLY how you feel and I have made similar mistakes.

my son is 13 and his dad was a lazy, angry man a lot of the time. But very assertive and commanding of attention.

Ive noticed my son really wants his approval / really admires him. He has screen savers of his dad / new step mum / new baby brother and none of me!! I asked him about it once too!! He also begged for a pair of trainers which I bought him for Xmas, took them to his dads where it was unilaterally decided they don’t fit.

I feel like I ran myself ragged to be the best mum I could be, demonstrating myself as a weak, scruffy, servant in the process - and missing the chance to show the successful, career focused, smart and creative person I am. My son just doesn’t seem to see me like he sees his dad. Even though his dad was actually feckless for a lot of our marriage.

ANYHOO - I was ANGRY for a long time. Not with him, with the situation, his dad, myself. But the anger would often spill over into a squabble with him or me getting upset with him.

in the end I had counselling which was AMAZING. I also started HRT which stopped me obsessing over everything all the time. And I realised with all the news about young boys needing their dads / positive male role models, that actually his dad mysteriously transforming into a god was a good thing for my son & therefore something I needed to be happy for.

it’s helped.

maybe some of these things could help you. But more than anything I just wanted to say I totally empathise with that fear and loss. It’s so painful.

Try to reframe. It’s improved my relationship w my son really quickly!!

massive hugs to you xxxxx

It's nothing sinister like that I can assure you. He's is into designer and labels I'm the opposite - I like a good bargain. He has always said to them openly I don't dress them well and I have no sense of style. He will often buy outfits for them as my clothes for them in my home don't pass the mark (they like an extravagant lifestyle). Item in question was footwear aS he told them to pack 'nice' clothes for a family party on weekend and often he has been vocal about stuff that I have brought for the girls hasn't passed the check so I guess she was just checking before taking it to his it was good enough. He has a particular standard I guess.

You can’t fix what happened but you can do better going forward. You’re burdening her with the responsibility of making you feel secure and it’s all backwards. You’re supposed to be making her feel secure.

I understand you check her phone but reading the messages to her dad seems like an invasion of her privacy.You didn’t just come across those you read them deliberately.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. You felt an emotion, expressed it, then reflected on her perspective and have apologised. You haven’t damaged her and she will be ok. See it as an opportunity to talk openly about how you feel and highlight how amazing you think she is for juggling this situation.

Part of me does wonder what kind of dynamic he has created where she feels she needs his approval to wear things you have purchased. And obviously your confidence has been bashed by him in the past so you feel sensitive to him still ‘critiquing’ you.

Thank goodness you aren’t with him anymore!

We have a clear policy where dad and I can both go through phone at any time including chats - prior to this phone my phone was used to communicate with dad. But maybe your right dads convo should be left alone..

I’m not entirely sure that a 13 year olds text messages should be private from a parent. Especially if her father has a tendency to be critical and controlling. I’d want to keep an eye on that.

Yes. This is a social media problem OP. Have you considered actually coming away from it? Totally come away and communicate directly with people in your life through WhatsApp?

I can't begin to tell you the improvement to your stress and emotional well being.

This stuff is poisonous and toxic.

I think it's a huge disservice to ever call anyone, especially yourself too sensitive. This is a term used in negative ways to shut people down. I can tell you are somewhat vulnerable and you have to be careful that isn't used against you.

It's also not your job to fix anything!

You know what I'd do - I'd say quite matter of fact to your daughter that sometimes Social Media can be emotive, and you reacted to that in the moment feeling unappreciated for what you do. I'd try not be too emotional about it but more matter of fact.

I understand your feelings so much. I have a difficult child, I'm forever guilty and getting upset inside and sometimes I show it. I think it isn't protective of yourself to do that. Maybe really think about coming away from SM and encouraging your kids to be more mindful of privacy and posting family pics. It's a minefield I just have no time for and that helps me.

I don't agree with complete phone privacy at age 13. No way. And I'm a stickler for privacy.

OP absolutely should trawl through it. But respond the right way.

OP I feel you have to be careful here. I sense your vulnerability and eagerness to be acceptable to your kids could be really taken advantage of. If your ex was difficult and took advantage of this, there's a risk your daughter could.

Be more assertive and less desperate so to speak.

I've fallen into the place you're in plenty of times. It can lead to manipulation from your own kids and an ex who will feed that, even in the most subtle ways. People might find this hard to believe but these dynamics can happen unfortunately.

Can I just clarify DD13 posted on her WhatsApp status - not on SM - she has no access to anything other than her phone during school hours (for travel). She posted the status on WhatsApp on way home from school. Can I just add for clarity, I had a family pic up on my status yesterday that the ex saw and then copied with his family and send my DD who posted it on her status. I think the speed of what DD posted the pic from dad when there was an identical pic (literally the same positions of family members on a sofa that the ex copied in a cartoon form) from me yesterday really triggered me .