I've overreacted with my 13 year old and feel awful

[Neitherherenorthere1]

I feel awful. Just need validation or putting me in my place which I already know. Please be gentle but honest.

I have two DD 13 and 10 and their dad sees the
EOW and some days in each holiday period.

DD13 recently posted on her status a pic of her and DD10 with their dad and new wife and children. She's never posted one of me and our family unit (also consisting of step dad and new sibling). I felt hurt and spoke to her about it which escalated and I gt overly emotional and just said it can be quite upsetting for me and makes me feel a certain way.

she has posted previously about her dad and said new family and normally doesn't bother me but I check her phone regularly and came across a convo with her dad and her and she's send pics of stuff I brought her to him asking for his approval and it just bugged me as he never thought I was good enough and had good taste and now it seems she's in the same page ... she only wore the terms I purchased for her after dad okayed them. I feel useless and insignificant in her life despite doing everything for her and prioritising her and my family always.
i think I took it out on her my feelings by focusing on the status a bit too much and she called me jealous. My DH says I will push her away with my emotional over sharing with her but I feel like I've failed her and I'm losing her to her dad.

I feel like a terrible mum who should be in check with my emotions. Help please Amy way to recover from this.

I did apologise and cry and say sorry this is my issue nothing you did and I will work on my over sensitivity and over sharing. We both cried but I think I've ruined it,

I think there could be some truth here... my DD10 does not do anything like this and is really mindful of upsetting anyone in her choices, least of all me but maybe DD13 knows I'm here regardless... I just don't know the right thing to do here.

This. Absolutely this. Your anxieties and insecurities are absolutely not your daughter's problem. You need to stop laying your worries at her feet, and stop with the crying and emotional blackmail FFS. It's incredibly selfish and incredibly self indulgent of you.

I was the same age as your DD when my Mum started oversharing with me and using me as an emotional crutch. I hated it. It made me feel panicky and trapped. And then I felt incredibly guilty for feeling that way. It was a horrible time and made me vow I would never subject my own children to such selfish behaviour. And I never have.

The other thing is parenting is hard because it is about letting go - letting them find their own way and hope that that means that they come back at some point

Thankyou everyone.

You know your dd best but based on the limited info you’ve posted, it sounds like she’s chasing her dad’s approval because of some sort of insecurity rather than going to him because she genuinely thinks that he has good taste.
You mentioned that he would make you feel like you’re not good enough and your dd could be chasing the “good enough” status by asking him for approval because she feels like she’s not good enough. The photos also look like an attempt to get her dad’s approval.

She doesn’t do it with you because she feels more secure with you.

in your shoes I’d stop reading her dad chats.

The "absent" parent is always flavour of the month by definition!

What you are giving her is solid and consistent love and support, day in day out. She will appreciate it one day I promise you.

She does not post photos of you cos you are always there - you are background noise - but also her rock that does not need comment - you are just there, which is what she needs. You are not the EOW novelty - you are the basis of her life. The person who is truly bringing her up.

You are her primary parent, her safe space, the reliable one in the background she can always count on. He’s the one she only sees EOW (why so little?) and she has to earn her place with. Her life is with you, he has built his life elsewhere with someone else and she has to try to fit in with that. I suspect she’s chasing after his approval because she’s chasing after his love, whereas she knows she’s got yours. Does that make sense? Tell her you’re sorry for being so silly and you love her to bits and she’s always got you. Stop worrying about which photos she chooses to publicise. It’s well known that people will often use social media to portray their life a certain way. Maybe she’s trying to prove she has a relationship with her dad. She doesn’t have to prove a relationship with you because you’re the parent who is actually raising her.

How old is your baby OP? Are you feeling okay in yourself the rest of the time?

Baby is 3. Im just struggling as the DD 13 and DD10 are getting older they are getting further and further away. I struggle sharing them. That's the truth. The life ex H and I offer are not similar and I fear I could lose them as that offering is more glittery...

She sounds insecure and no wonder with her dad being so judgemental and controlling.

Teach her to have more confidence in herself. She doesn't need her dad's validation.
This is where you modelling self confidence is enormously helpful at this age. Show her it doesn't matter how you dress as long as you dress for yourself, not for any parent or man.
Especially not for any man.

Allow her to make her own choices and feel good about them.

I think if OP was doing this all the time I’d agree with you, but in the context of an isolated event I think it’s probably a bit harsh to describe this as emotional blackmail. It’s normal and healthy to have emotions. Of course we always try to hold our composure around our children, but unless you are cold hard stone, occasionally you are going to express the fact that you feel upset. OP has since reflected on it and owned it. This has demonstrated to her daughter that she is human and has feelings. It’s also demonstrated how to take ownership and apologise.

I really think we need to be careful to not demonise mothers for being emotional around their children. OP has recognised herself that this is a pattern she doesn’t want to repeat, hence writing this post.

Oh bless you. I do think you've been unreasonable, but I really do get it. I won't go into all the details of my life, but there was a lot of tension between DC's dad and me when we were doing shared care. He was pretty nasty to me on several occasions.

I tried not to let it affect me, but there were a couple of occasions DC saw me crying over it. I regret it hugely, but it's happened now. I really understand how this could set you off.

I do think she needs to have her own relationship with her father that is entirely separate to you. It's important that she has that because she only has the one dad. As much as possible, try not to play best parent in any way. You'll always be mum and no one can take that away from you x