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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from son's father?

45 replies

ArtfulBear · 01/04/2025 18:50

I am currently in a rented house since leaving my relationship in January. My parents live 30 minutes by train or just over an hour by bus away. Neither I nor DS's dad drive.

I could stay here, close to ex and DS's school. He's settled well and is currently in reception. I can't afford to buy here or rent anything much nicer. Or I could move in with my parents, where I could save £18-20,000 comfortably in a couple of years. Houses are significantly cheaper there so buying might be an option.

Ex currently has DS every other weekend and one week night. If I moved I could bring him through on the train EOW still and would offer ex weekday contact where I was living.

Ex and I bought a house in his name (stupid I know) so I've lost everything and am starting again in my early 40s. Managing to save about £100 a month now. What would you do?

OP posts:
doglover92 · 01/04/2025 18:58

I think it would be fair if you’re planning to travel to facilitate the contact staying the same (including the week night). If not, you shouldn’t do it.

SquashedSquid · 01/04/2025 18:59

Absolutely move. Of course you put yourself in the better situation that will benefit you and your child in the long run. Go and be supported by your parents. Your ex can travel if he wants to see his child.

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 01/04/2025 19:01

doglover92 · 01/04/2025 18:58

I think it would be fair if you’re planning to travel to facilitate the contact staying the same (including the week night). If not, you shouldn’t do it.

Edited

It wouldn't be feasible for DS to stay on the week and travel for school. I could facilitate contact at mine though.

OP posts:
SoonTheDaffodilsWillBeOver · 01/04/2025 19:03

SquashedSquid · 01/04/2025 18:59

Absolutely move. Of course you put yourself in the better situation that will benefit you and your child in the long run. Go and be supported by your parents. Your ex can travel if he wants to see his child.

if the ex objects OP may not legally be able to move.

Suns1nE · 01/04/2025 19:03

By all means move but you need to be prepared to facilitate contact between your child and your ex. It’s not fair for you to move and then complain your ex doesn’t see your child when the move is your choice (if he moved away I would expect him to be the one to facilitate the access)

roseymoira · 01/04/2025 19:06

SoonTheDaffodilsWillBeOver · 01/04/2025 19:03

if the ex objects OP may not legally be able to move.

Show quote history

I think that he can object to a long distance move, but 30 minutes isn’t long distance at all

doglover92 · 01/04/2025 19:06

You can’t just effectively take a night a week contact from your son and his father, which is what you would be doing saying he can’t see him on that week night unless he travels to you. If you move, it would be your responsibility to get him to and from your ex’s house and back to school. My DH had to go through the court with a very similar situation and he was told he could stop her from moving if he wanted to do that because the mother had no right to take that contact away.

HowardTJMoon · 01/04/2025 19:14

If your ex has PR then he could take you to court to prevent you unilaterally pulling your DS out of his current school and moving him to a new one. Whether or not he would win depends on the situation and would be based on what is in the best interests of the child.

SquashedSquid · 01/04/2025 19:19

I've never seen this ruled in favour of the father. OP can clearly prove it's beneficial (close to family, better housing etc). And absolutely do not do any travelling if you move. It's half an hour. If he wants to see his child, he can see his child where his child lives.

doglover92 · 01/04/2025 19:31

SquashedSquid · 01/04/2025 19:19

I've never seen this ruled in favour of the father. OP can clearly prove it's beneficial (close to family, better housing etc). And absolutely do not do any travelling if you move. It's half an hour. If he wants to see his child, he can see his child where his child lives.

In my husband’s case it was and it’s written in the court order that the mother has to do all of the travelling because she decided to move.

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 01/04/2025 19:56

HowardTJMoon · 01/04/2025 19:14

If your ex has PR then he could take you to court to prevent you unilaterally pulling your DS out of his current school and moving him to a new one. Whether or not he would win depends on the situation and would be based on what is in the best interests of the child.

I do realise that. I doubt he would, but I guess I'm more wondering if this is an option worth exploring. Perhaps I should chat it through with a solicitor to see what outcomes might be plausible.

I wouldn't want to try and stop contact and I can see the argument that replacing an overnight with an evening in my house isn't equivalent. I don't want to be selfish I do want my child to have the happiest childhood and best start in life. I'm also just sad we're in a shit house and I'm so lonely, both of which could be solved by moving 30 minutes down the road. Ex initially asked for 50/50 but changed his mind when I explained he'd have to provide clothes including uniform and organise his own childcare, I realise that's probably not relevant but does add to my frustration! And no, he doesn't pay maintenance. Yes, I should put in a claim.

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 01/04/2025 19:59

For your child, it is more important to be near both parents than it is for one parent to be able to save for a mortgage.

HappyHedgehog247 · 01/04/2025 20:01

30 minutes away is close!

HappyHedgehog247 · 01/04/2025 20:03

You should put in a CMS claim straight away. You've been left with no house, you're the primary carer and you're receiving no maintenance. Do what you need to to make this work for you and your DS (because it's 30 minutes!!). Is he likely to take you to court? He can't stop you moving without a prohibited steps order as far as I understand it.

ThatGladTiger · 01/04/2025 20:05

What is stopping either of you learning to drive and getting a cheap runaround?

You also say you bought in your partners name. Was he fair in the split? If you didn’t get anything out of it I vote for moving to your parents and learning to drive.

30 mins is nothing!

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 01/04/2025 20:08

ThatGladTiger · 01/04/2025 20:05

What is stopping either of you learning to drive and getting a cheap runaround?

You also say you bought in your partners name. Was he fair in the split? If you didn’t get anything out of it I vote for moving to your parents and learning to drive.

30 mins is nothing!

Absolutely nothing is stopping my ex learning to drive. I keep trying but am very dyspraxic - I scr the theory and flunk the practical. I would definitely keep working on it if I moved though.

OP posts:
doglover92 · 01/04/2025 20:10

I would agree 30 minutes in a car isn’t a lot but if it’s stopping your son from having that overnight with his dad each week then that’s the issue, not the distance. The maintenance etc is irrelevant to this issue, unless there’s a chance that him giving you maintenance would mean you don’t have to move because you would have more money, in which case I would suggest that as a solution.

JoyousPinkPeer · 01/04/2025 20:11

If dad has parental responsibility you will need his permission to change schools

Wishyouwerehere50 · 01/04/2025 20:13

It's not close when you're talking about public transport.

Is there any hope the dad might be able to drive anytime soon? I understand why the move is a good thing. I'd also understand why this would be difficult for a father who doesn't drive. It's going to be a bit much relying on public transport for these EOW visits at some point. The child might really struggle with it making it harder to keep up the relationship.

Goldbar · 01/04/2025 20:19

30 minutes is nothing. I'd be very surprised if the courts objected to this.

And tbh there's not a lot your ex can do to stop you if he's not prepared to be primary carer himself. He can't stop you moving, only your DC.

HarryVanderspeigle · 01/04/2025 20:19

It would mean halving the amount of nights your child has with his dad. Not great for their relationship.

If the property you had together was in his name, did you pay towards it? If so, you might ne bale to claim some back. Also claim cm. Are you learning to drive a manual, as automatic cars are easier?

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 01/04/2025 20:21

Wishyouwerehere50 · 01/04/2025 20:13

It's not close when you're talking about public transport.

Is there any hope the dad might be able to drive anytime soon? I understand why the move is a good thing. I'd also understand why this would be difficult for a father who doesn't drive. It's going to be a bit much relying on public transport for these EOW visits at some point. The child might really struggle with it making it harder to keep up the relationship.

Dad is really unlikely to learn to drive. And I agree the issue with the distance is the public transport. My parents have offered to drive to collect ex and take him back home but I can see why that wouldn't work either! We often do the trip to see my parents for the weekend though so I think the EOW would be fine. I would absolutely not ask my ex to travel for those, I would facilitate.

OP posts:
WoodyOwl · 01/04/2025 20:24

A 30 minute train ride is nothing! Most people I know have a longer commute than that. I used to have a 1hr 40 min train commute each way every day. 30 minutes is really not excessive and you would have support/help with your child plus be able to save and get back on the property ladder. It's a no-brainer. Go to your parent's house!

Original poster
ArtfulBear · 01/04/2025 20:26

HarryVanderspeigle · 01/04/2025 20:19

It would mean halving the amount of nights your child has with his dad. Not great for their relationship.

If the property you had together was in his name, did you pay towards it? If so, you might ne bale to claim some back. Also claim cm. Are you learning to drive a manual, as automatic cars are easier?

I paid the deposit and we split all bills and the mortgage equally. Following the split, I have £150 in my savings account and that is it. I will claim if he doesn't respond to my request to set up an agreement again this month.

I'm not wedded to this idea, I'm just trying to find the best way for us both to have a stable future. If it isn't doable or it doesn't work for DS then that's that. I'm not sure that him sleeping overnight makes that much difference if ex still visits though.

OP posts:
TheDoorIsSmall · 01/04/2025 20:34

What is to stop your ex from also moving to where your parents live so he can be closer to his child? Could he get a job there? Would this be relatively easy or not for him?

Also the fact that as a couple you would do the trip regularly to your parents surely goes in your favour as it is a journey he knows and has done. It isn't like you are moving to the other end of the country. All your reasons seem valid.