To move away from son's father?

[ArtfulBear]

I am currently in a rented house since leaving my relationship in January. My parents live 30 minutes by train or just over an hour by bus away. Neither I nor DS's dad drive.

I could stay here, close to ex and DS's school. He's settled well and is currently in reception. I can't afford to buy here or rent anything much nicer. Or I could move in with my parents, where I could save £18-20,000 comfortably in a couple of years. Houses are significantly cheaper there so buying might be an option.

Ex currently has DS every other weekend and one week night. If I moved I could bring him through on the train EOW still and would offer ex weekday contact where I was living.

Ex and I bought a house in his name (stupid I know) so I've lost everything and am starting again in my early 40s. Managing to save about £100 a month now. What would you do?

He could keep his job and commute. I'll commute from my parents and did so for several years previously. He did it many years ago for college, his parents live around three miles from mine. Which equates to three bus stops.

You paid a deposit - did you get that back - and was it suppose to be together the reason you weren’t on the mortgage - have you had legal advice

but yes that distance move to your parents

What a disgusting comment! The Op should be doing her utmost to ensure her ds continues to see his father as much as possible.

Whilst I understand your reasons, I think you should learn to drive, buy a car and then you can make sure your DS stays in the same school and sees his father as much as he currently does. The onus is on you as you’re the one choosing to move away.

30 minutes away is hardly a "move". Some people must measure distance very differently as I'd consider that to be very close.

Definitely move. You will get so much extra support living at your parents’ and that headspace will help you to build your own little community and ease the loneliness. That will be best for you and your child (I speak from my own experience).

I am baffled by other posters putting so much worry and emphasis on the needs of your child’s father — did he think about your needs when you lost money on the house you shared? Or when he’s not been paying child maintenance? Your mental health and comfort in life are far more important to your child’s happiness than anything, so do what you need to x

I think I'll consult a solicitor and then re-evaluate my choices. I'm trying really hard to put DS first, but I am starting to worry I'm confusing facilitating a relationship with his father and putting his father's needs above mine.

Yes, he has him one overnight during a week. But I have to organise after-school club and be available to take DS back for breakfast and then drop off at school because ex has to get to work. This means I effectively have to live within 10 minutes walk of my ex. What if I moved the other side of the city? I could get my son to school but not facilitate that early morning dropoff. Is that unreasonable to do as well?

But you shouldn't be organising the after school club on the day he has him overnight nor getting him for breakfast the next morning, that should all be down to your ex to get him to school, that is what an overnight is surely? Collect from school and if unable arrange childcare, have him overnight until school the next day. I am sure he too can put in a flexible working request to accommodate his child. Why is all this falling to you?

You seem to have bent over backwards for your ex. The fact that your ex lived with his parents in the same town you wish to return to and commuted a similar distance to college that he could still do with work is a fairly compelling argument for you all to move. You need to make a note of all of this for when you do seek legal advice.

You are still controlled by him he seems
ti get everything he wants and you get nothing

get legal advice with the house and deposit
move to your parents
srwrt the process of changing schools
claim maintenance

Why is it disgusting? OP currently has nothing despite paying the deposit and mortgage for a house, the father doesn't pay maintenance and decided against 50/50 as he seemingly couldn't be bothered actually parenting.

It's 30 minutes away, hardly the other side of the country. OP can save money to buy her and her child a home. It's a no brainer.

Would it be possible for ex to have your child with him on a school night and do the school run without it being exhausting for your child?

That would be my measure of a reasonable radius.
The child should be able to stay with either parent and get back and forth to school without it burdening the child.

So you paid the house deposit and half the mortgage, but have ended up with nothing?

I'd be moving further than half an hour away from that prize of a man.

Don't be so silly. That isn't the OP's responsibility. Perhaps he shouldn't have left his child if he wanted to see him more.

There's this odd idea sometimes expressed on threads like this that a child's welfare is necessarily promoted by one parent (usually the mother) turning somersaults and moving mountains to promote a relationship between the child and a not particularly engaged other parent (usually the father) who doesn't really reciprocate the effect and puts themselves first in everything.

This is not the case. The parent with majority care has to balance various factors to make the decision that best promotes their child's welfare. Achieving a suitable degree of material stability may turn out to be as, if not more, important for the child than rolling over backwards to maintain the status quo as to contact.

Whilst this is strongly worded, I agree with the sentiment... you can't just say 'your ex can travel if he wants to see his child'.. no woman would be expected to suck this up and I think its really unfair to expect this man to either. The Ex is dreadful but there's nothing written to suggest he's a bad dad beyond not providing maintenance (which you should absolutely make a claim for, OP!)

That’s not how a court would see it as it would be OP moving so it WOULD be her responsibility to facilitate contact as it’s clearly working currently so she is the one changing it. If he chose to move away to live with a new partner or something the OP wouldn’t be expecting to do the travel.

30 mins is nothing ~ he will be laughed out of court. Move

put in a claim now and move.

Were you married?

See a solicitor.