AIBU for cutting off my parents?

[CateHolds93]

I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby and was made redundant 3 weeks ago. I’m a homeowner, and my household relies on two incomes to cover bills, so I’ve been applying for any job I can find, including roles in recruitment (my role before been made redundant) and retail.

When I found out I was pregnant, my partner's parents generously gave us £5K towards our maternity fund and have been incredibly supportive emotionally and financially, despite having their own financial struggles over the years.

However, my relationship with my parents has always been strained. My mum has always struggled with her mental health, she has a habit of turning every conversation back to herself and is overly critical. My dad worked away a lot when I was younger and, when he was home, spent most of his time at the pub or on the golf course.

I’ve never really asked them for financial help as an adult, but I have shared the stress of my current situation. I’ve told my mum about the financial difficulties I’m facing, due to been made redundant before 25 weeks I am not entitled to SMP from my employer, and how hard it’s been to find a job while pregnant. Her response has always been, "Oh, I feel so helpless," but that’s about it. They’re not struggling for money and could help, but I’ve never had the support I need from them, emotionally and on this occasion financially.

So, I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable for thinking about cutting them off entirely. I feel hurt that, despite their financial stability, they haven’t offered anything in my time of need, and I’m starting to feel like I’m better off without them.

I think yabu, but I understand your reaction

I think you should first come outright and ask them both for help, then see what they say x

Yabu. Have you even asked them properly? Even if they say no, you don’t have a right to have money from them.

Most people don’t get payments from parents and IL’s when they’re made redundant.

I'd speak to your DF rather than your DM as it sounds like they had a traditional marriage so assume if you need a loan he'd be the one to provide it. If he says no, then you know where you stand and can make a decision then about how much contact you and the baby have with them in the future.

Ask them outright first. It might be that her money is controlled somehow?

You are being ridiculous. You can’t expect handouts from family unfortunately.

That seems a bit of a jump to cut them off.

Most people can just about keep their own head above water. You should have had savings or plans in place incase one last a job.

As someone who's been NC with parents for 10+years and is now constantly fielding criticism from people who assume I cut them off for some small slight because 'everyone's doing it these days', posts like these make me irrationally angry, but I'm going to try to reel it in.

Yes, you'd be completely unreasonable to cut off your parents for not giving you money, especially money you haven't asked for.

No-contact is a last-resort survival mechanism, not something to use to punish people for not meeting your uncommunicated expectations.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a stressful worrying situation.

Being really frank with you I don't understand why you feel that this would be enough to cut off your parents - but I'm not you, and how I would feel in your shoes doesn't matter.

What I will suggest is what I'd say to anybody: No big life changing decisions while high or off your face. If there's a chance that your hormones are having an impact on how you are feeling at the moment, I'd suggest not making the big decision to cut your parents out of your life until you are "sober".

I also put it to you that there are multiple ways to go low or no contact. Perhaps trying low contact would be a way to find out if you'd rather be no contact or if low contact works for you?

I hope your situation picks up and is less stressful soon.

Have you directly asked them? If you have and they’ve refused I would distance myself. Yes adults are responsible for themselves but if you can’t as a parent help your child at any age for situations outside their control then what use are you.

I think you are being unreasonable. They are not obliged to give you money. Besides which you haven’t even asked them to give you money - so jumping straight to cutting them off seems precipitate. If you ask and they say no then you will be justified in feeling peeved, but it is their money to do what they want with. They may step up and help you in the future in other ways if not financially - so cutting them off might end up hurting you more than you expect.

It reads like you are wanting to punish them for not giving you money by cutting off your relationship with them. If they are truly awful to you, by all means cut contact, but it sounds like if they paid you ££s, you’d be willing to stay in touch with them. You are understandably very destabilised by the loss of your job and income - I wouldn’t be rushing into any ultimatums personally. As you are about to find out, very few parents achieve the level of perfection they think they will - we are mostly pretty flawed, and cutting your parents out is a drastic move.

By what means, and in what way are you thinking of cutting your parents off?

If you haven't been clear with both of them about your need for financial help, then cutting them off from being able to contact you would be a bit silly, when they may decide, or be in a better position to help you in the future?

Aside to that, I would think it unnecessarily harsh for you to cut them off because you feel your mother was overly critical, had MH struggles and your father went to the pub?

YABU

Job loss is a common occurrence in life. Its unfortunate it happened at the worst time for you.

However you cannot cut off your parents for not offering to financially support a grown adult with a partner and a home.

You say partner not DH. Id sort marriage out also as if you end up not married and not working youll be in a very vulnerable position if he pays off more of the house.

Cutting them off because they didn't jump all over lending you money - that you didn't even ask for? YABU at best, at worst you're an absolute arsehole. Considering never speaking to them again and keeping their GC from them too. Fucking nora girl. I hope that your child won't do this to you.

I'm sorry you've been made redundant, but you've been given 5 grand too, so swings and roundabouts. You own your home, I'm sure you do need 2 incomes, but that's life - youre more secure than most!

@CateHolds93 dont know the timelines but have you thought about going to an industrial tribunal?? making someone redundant while pregnant is not really allowed!

Could your parents afford to provide some financial help over this difficult period? How would they respond if you asked for their help?

If your DH is on a low income and you aren't eligable for Statutory Maternity Pay, would you be eligible for Universal Credit?

You say that your mum makes everything about herself. Is she supportive in any way at all? Would she be helpful when you have the baby? If the relationship has more negatives than positives, you might find going very low contact helpful.

There are strict procedures to be followed, but it is allowed.

Yeah, cos cutting them off is really going to help your situation. You're mature enough to have a baby, how about being mature enough to actually talk to your parents like the adult you claim to be?

YABU to go no contact because your parents haven’t offered to give you ££££. You need to sit down with your husband and figure out where you could save money. You’ll have to live on your husband’s salary and your redundancy pay for a while.

Clearly not a solicitor.

By law (Employment Rights Act 1996), the employer must offer a pregnant employee a suitable alternative vacancy, if there is one.

You can be made redundant during pregnancy or maternity or parental leave, providing it is a genuine redundancy situation.

You absolutely can make a pregnant woman redundant if it is a genuine redundancy situation

I think you’re being very unreasonable expecting them to bail you out. You need to review your budget and see where you can make cuts. Can you take a mortgage payment holiday, sell a second car etc. Are you entitled to any benefits? You have to investigate life style changes and try to deal with this as an adult rather than rely on mum and dad. I wouldn’t ask them - if they ask if they can help financially then that’s a different matter and YES you are very unreasonable to threaten to cut them off.

Have you looked into Maternity Allowance? As said, ask if you need help. If £5k isn't enough to tide you over, because you are normally a good earner, I'd question why you haven't got savings. I don't think that you can condemn someone who has MH issues, who is just exhibiting symptoms of their poor MH. Not offering money isn't a good reason to cut parents off.

Yabu to cut them off completely but not d understand if you went low(er) contact. Presumably they’ve always been self-centred and self-absorbed so weren’t going to change how they’ve been for decades.

People can cut off their parents for whatever reason they choose. It sounds as though OP has a difficult relationship with her parents, with a very hands-off and distant dad and a difficult, self-absorbed mum and therefore the lack of any practical offers of help has been the final straw.

It also seems as though OP is experiencing what a kind and supportive family is like for the first time with her PILs and the contrast with her own parents is stark.