AIBU for cutting off my parents?

[CateHolds93]

I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby and was made redundant 3 weeks ago. I’m a homeowner, and my household relies on two incomes to cover bills, so I’ve been applying for any job I can find, including roles in recruitment (my role before been made redundant) and retail.

When I found out I was pregnant, my partner's parents generously gave us £5K towards our maternity fund and have been incredibly supportive emotionally and financially, despite having their own financial struggles over the years.

However, my relationship with my parents has always been strained. My mum has always struggled with her mental health, she has a habit of turning every conversation back to herself and is overly critical. My dad worked away a lot when I was younger and, when he was home, spent most of his time at the pub or on the golf course.

I’ve never really asked them for financial help as an adult, but I have shared the stress of my current situation. I’ve told my mum about the financial difficulties I’m facing, due to been made redundant before 25 weeks I am not entitled to SMP from my employer, and how hard it’s been to find a job while pregnant. Her response has always been, "Oh, I feel so helpless," but that’s about it. They’re not struggling for money and could help, but I’ve never had the support I need from them, emotionally and on this occasion financially.

So, I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable for thinking about cutting them off entirely. I feel hurt that, despite their financial stability, they haven’t offered anything in my time of need, and I’m starting to feel like I’m better off without them.

I have 3 DGC and never offered any of my DC money towards a 'maternity fund'! Maybe your parents are not very perceptive but if you can't even ask them for help why should they know you need it? They may think you have received a redundancy payment. Ask for help if you want, go low contact if you think they are detrimental to your mental health, but remember you might want support when your baby is born.

How do you know their financial situation?

You can't compare your in-laws to your parents. Who knows what unspoken strings have come with that £5k.

This strikes a chord with me. We have been asked to pay DBIL’s mortgage many times when he’s lost jobs (a fairly recurring theme with him). He lives in a much larger house than us, they have two expensive cars on finance, SIL has a personal trainer and one of their DC has a very expensive hobby. I must say, it grates a little that he just runs straight to DH, rather than tries to make any reductions to their own liabilities. The last time he asked, we said no. He was stunned, tbh. Some people seem to think that if they need money, and you have some, it’s a done deal.

You are being OUTRAGEOUSLY unreasonable!
Your poor mum and dad!

Won't you be eligible for maternity allowance? And IIRC that's the same amount as statutory maternity pay.

It sounds like your relationship with your parents is rocky anyway. But cutting them off because they won't give you money that you haven't asked for, without any attempt to resolve the issues is an odd thing to do. If you were cutting them off because of the long standing issues, and you have already tried to resolve them, because you didn't want them to be around your baby, that would be more understandable.

Cut them off, because they haven’t given you money ? Maybe they think you are an adult and are responsible for your own finances.

Your life is not going to go well with this attitude.

YABU I think to cut them off for not getting any money, especially as you haven’t asked.

They are not mind readers, ask them. You are not entitled to their money, but I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to politely ask in this situation. I do however think you’d be very unreasonable to cut them off if they say no (even more so if you haven’t even asked them first). That would essentially be saying they literally have to pay for a relationship with you, and their grandchild when it arrives. If you have other reasons you’ve not mentioned for not wanting a relationship with them then that’s something to consider, but refusal to hand over cash is not IMO good enough on its own.

Sorry OP, what have they done?

You'd be prepared to never see your mums face again, walk past her in the street as though she were a stranger, never speak to her, or hear her speak to you again, go on for all intents and purposes as though she were dead? Because she hasn't yet offered you money at a time when it would be nice to have extra, but you've a wage coming in, generous in laws and are not going to starve. That's pretty cold OP.

What a bizarre post. Is there more to this?

Be explicit about what you want and directly ask them for financial support. It seems bonkers that you'd cut them off without having had that conversation. Also, is your relationship with them that strained that it's purely transactional now? They won't give you X and so you withdraw contact? It's pretty extreme to cut out the people who raised you and deny any kind of relationship between them and your child. To me, no contact is a very last resort.

Come on, there has to be more to this than we are being told.

Cutting off your parents because they haven’t offered to give you money? Really?

How do you know their financial circumstances? And why not just ask them if you want some help? They are not mind-readers!

Stop moaning about your situation to them, expecting them to just know what you want, and use your voice!!

Blackmail is always unreasonable.

totally idiotic

You are being completely unreasonable!!
wtf OP, your finances are your problem.
you want to cut family off for not helping you out financially, we could all do with a helping hand financially, I’m not about to start cutting off my wealthy family for not helping me out.
You sound entitled. They would be better off without you!

i read something once that said, if I start telling you about my problems when you’re expressing your problems is not that I’m trying to outdo you, I’m trying to tell you, you are not alone!

read it again, let it sink in!

It’s quite entitled to expect parental financial support as an adult. You can ask but it’s perfectly ok for them to decline. They supported you financially through your childhood.

It sounds like they are both unemotionally available which might be due to their own childhoods or neurodivergent traits or personality. The focus on herself may not be intentional despite the frustration it causes. Have you ever talked to her about the way she talks about herself when you raise your own worries?

You want to cut your parents out of your life because they haven't given you money? YABU.

Stop expecting handouts.

You’re not unreasonable to feel hurt that they haven’t offered to help you out. But you’re an adult. Nobody is obligated to pay your way for you. Most people who are made redundant don’t have other people to bail them out.

I wouldn’t cut off my parents for this reason. If they’re helping your siblings but not you then yes you should cut them off. No one likes being treated differently.

My mum has never given me a penny since I was 16, as she was a housewife and then a widow. I have treated her to holidays and countless meals out and shopping trips since then.

I don’t begrudge her any of it. However, she has talked about leaving the family home to just one of my siblings and I’ve made it clear to her that that would cause a rift between me and her and me and my sibling that would be irrevocable.

What about the longer term @CateHolds93 ? Once your baby is born did you plan on going back to work, have you planned how you will pay for childcare, were you hoping that your parents and PILs might provide some child care support?

Cutting off you parents from a relationship with you and their future grandchild is cruel. And if you've not got a watertight, financial plan for child care you might also be cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

This. You're an adult about to have a child, you shouldn't be asking your parents for money

I get that. Since meeting my partner's family, i've realized how little my mom cared for or supported me growing up and an adulthood.

It has been an overwhelming realization how abnormal my own mother was, and how little support she gave me. She didn't even seem to like me very much.She always wanted me to be something other than what I was

However, I would never expect money from her and cut her off if she didn't read my mind and give it unasked for. Especially not when she's already had a handout from her partner's family

On the part about your mum turning everything around to herself and being overly critical, you have my sympathies there as I know what that's like.

It doesn't sound like this is why you want to cut your parents off, and if I've understood this correctly, you want to cut them off because they aren't offering to support you financially? While they might have the money, unless you are in dire straits and facing homelessness, why would you expect them to step in financially? I think perhaps you are comparing your partner's mum's £5K help and expecting your parents to do the same, which isn't really fair as your partner's mum's contribution was wildly generous. £5k is a massive amount to be given.

If it's the lack of emotional support making you feel like cutting them off, then that's your decision and more understandable so for that, yanbu. If you are basing it on not helping you financially, then yabu (however, if you think they wouldn't step in if you were on the streets then of course, that'd change things).