Moving "back home" - DH being disingenuous

[holidayblues25]

I moved to the UK about 17 years ago, it was never supposed to be permanent, but life happened!

I've been feeling increasingly homesick, and with that a desire to move back home.

It was always seen that moving to London was a "happy middle ground" but after me bursting into tears because of how much I missed home, DH has said that he actually prefers if we move to my birth country. My DH also doesn't have anuy qualifications so he know that he'll either have to be a handy man or work in retail once we move to London (neither excite him).

So I think TO HIM the challenge is similar (London Vs Home country) but he doesn't speak the language, and I doubt he'll learn it before we "move" - in 5 years.

My biggest worry is that he'll then become my financial dependent. We'll be able to rent our house here, which would translate to one medium size income. Plus whatever job I can get (which would be within the bracket of a high earner).

Anyway, AIBU to think either my husband is being disingenuous or that I shouldn't get excited as he really doesn't know what it entails to move across an ocean!

Whilst learning a language is difficult, if he has 5 years and lives with a native speaker he should be able to make a good go of it. Start in private with Duolingo and then watch a subtitled film or 2 a week and build up so he has some basics.

My concern with no effort at all to learn the language would be he has no intention of moving but is just kicking the can down the road and it will always be in 5 years time.

He needs to demonstrate he is serious. As it is at the moment, to me is sounds like platitudes

Is a five year plan realistic? They never worked out for me (life changed too much in the meantime.)

That's what worries me, because he goes hot and cold with the idea, basically saying he wouldn't live his DM alone or his DC (who would be adults by then) .

I think this comes more from the POV that he hates working in retail and that will be his reality in London

You’re unhappy he’s ok with moving back? I presume if he’d said he was unhappy and/or refused to move back you’d be unhappy about that?

He's also never had any inclination in 8 years to either learn the language or get any sort of qualification (even when I've done the legwork with grants available, etc..)

He's also never had any inclination in 8 years to either learn the language or get any sort of qualification (even when I've done the legwork with grants available, etc..)

He's also never had any inclination in 8 years to either learn the language or get any sort of qualification (even when I've done the legwork with grants available, etc..)

So, you want to move, he is agreeing to move... and now you are finding reasons not to move? If you don't want to move, then don't. But stop finding ways to block the move by finding problems for him.

Well that is a major drip feed.

wherever you live now he is happy with his career, part of the community, and able to see his children? Is that correct?

he would be crazy to give up stable employment to take a lower paying job just because you want to live in a different place.

why would you ask someone you supposedly love to do something like that?

Well that's the thing about like a week ago he said that unequivocally we're moving out of the region we live in, as neither of us have permanent ties with it, and all DC have said they'll move out of the area too.

Anyway, I had given up on the idea of moving back "home" because in February he said he would consider/do it after his DM had passed away.

So the change of heart is very random to say the least.

If he doesn't want to leave his DM in 5 years she will be older and likely more dependent/harder to leave. Similarly his DC, although more independent as they age may be starting families and he might want to stay nearer grandchildren. It's obvious he doesn't really want to live in London and probably doesn't want to live in your home country. He may be prepared to pick the least worst option to keep you happy but you need an honest discussion. You may have to trade the greater financial responsibility against getting to live where you want.

They will be in 5 years (which is wher the timeframe comes from)

And yes I have DC, one would come with us

I’m not surprised he’s flip-flopping to be honest. Whilst he no doubt wants you to be happy, he has no ties to your home country, nor does it represent anything in particular to him, and he does have ties to the U.K. in the form of children and elderly mother. He’s not running from anything, and nor has he anything to run to, since the move is likely going to see him with a similar job and lifestyle. You relocated 17 years ago, when you’ll have only had yourself to think about. He doesn’t have that luxury.

I think you need to be realistic about - and accepting of - the possibility of you taking on the role of breadwinner once in your home country, rather than having this as a fear of something you’ll resent: he might be able to learn the language conversationally, even semi-fluently within a few years, but the reality is that a non-native speaker with no specific professional skills very likely will struggle employment wise, at least at first, and that’s just going to need to be wrapped up as part of the overall parcel of moving “home.”

I think his plan is to be a tour guide, I'm not entirely sure TBH.

I think the closer we get to moving, the closer he sees that his real will change and he'll end up in a job he hates in a place he doesn't particularly want to be.

He doesn't want to live where we live, but at least he's got a decent job given the circumstances.

If we move closer to his family, he'll end up in a similar situation job wise. He knows, I know it, but he's very much of a "que será, será" attitude to life.

Disingenuous seems a very mean spirited word to describe it.

I hope you don't mind if I ask for clarification. Are your children 'mutual' or are the children 'each of yours'? Is this a 2nd/subsequent marriage? Because I think it makes a difference.

It's a mix of both, so both have children from previous marriages and a joint one.

I think his plan is to be a tour guide, I'm not entirely sure TBH.

How can he be a tour guide if he doesn't speak the language? He'll have to liaise with all the providers and have an excellent knowledge of what he's guiding......