Moving "back home" - DH being disingenuous

[holidayblues25]

I moved to the UK about 17 years ago, it was never supposed to be permanent, but life happened!

I've been feeling increasingly homesick, and with that a desire to move back home.

It was always seen that moving to London was a "happy middle ground" but after me bursting into tears because of how much I missed home, DH has said that he actually prefers if we move to my birth country. My DH also doesn't have anuy qualifications so he know that he'll either have to be a handy man or work in retail once we move to London (neither excite him).

So I think TO HIM the challenge is similar (London Vs Home country) but he doesn't speak the language, and I doubt he'll learn it before we "move" - in 5 years.

My biggest worry is that he'll then become my financial dependent. We'll be able to rent our house here, which would translate to one medium size income. Plus whatever job I can get (which would be within the bracket of a high earner).

Anyway, AIBU to think either my husband is being disingenuous or that I shouldn't get excited as he really doesn't know what it entails to move across an ocean!

I think to an extent he could get away with it. He'd be a food(ie) tour guide and he'd be able to create a script, plus most people would know some English.

However, it's a highly regulated trade/profession over there and he needs to get permits and pass tests, etc... At least it was that way when I lived there.

Do you have children?

Do you want to be together? Maybe you're better off calling it quits and that's ok. If you have children it's a different story though.

We don't want to call it quits, we love each other! And we do have a joint 5yo.

If he suddenly had a great opportunity to move to another country in a couple of years, one where you don’t speak the language and where practicing in your career would be difficult, you’d probably respond in a similar way to him: your feelings would range from positive to negative, to thinking it would be a good move to questioning whether it was really what you wanted to do and whether it would work. It’s perfectly normal to have mixed feelings. That wouldn’t make you disingenuous, you’d be reacting in accordance with your feelings, and feelings aren’t always consistent.

It sounds as though that’s how it is for him - with the cherry on top that five years is a long time, and is easy to see as not really real.

Then you need to reconcile yourself to
staying here. He has no intention of leaving the country

The move has definitely become more real. We just fixed our mortgage to match the time of the move, and all home improvements are thought knowing we will sell the house in 5 years, so we're prioritising them accordingly.

So he’s showing some commitment but also expressing some concerns and reservations. That’s normal. You need to talk to him about all this, properly, nobody else can give you insight into how he’s feeling about a potential huge life change.

It's just so annoying that the clock is ticking (or kind of) and he tells me he dislikes London, but also disliked where we live, and doesn't want to work in retail, but doesn't show any inclination for retraining or learning a trade properly, etc...

@holidayblues25

Thanks for answering my questions.

Does your mutual child (I assume that's the one that would move with you) speak the language fluently? How old will the child be? Because it will be a huge upheaval and you may find they don't want to move, especially if they're old enough in 5 years to have formed close friendships and are settled in school. And what is the educational system there? How will their UK education 'translate' to your home country's system?

Being as your DH doesn't speak the language I'd say there's a good chance that he would, either wholly or in part, become your financial dependent. What is your main objection to that? Because it sounds to me as if he plans on it. After all, he is moving because you want to. Maybe he sees that as your part of the bargain. He disrupts his career, so you support him.

Unless there's a huge international corporation there that conducts most of their business in English, I can't imagine getting a well paying job if I didn't speak the local language. And how can he be a handyman or work retail if he can't communicate with his customers?

A non-bilingual 'culinary' tour guide? It sounds pretty niche to me and I'd think a good part of that would be translating for the tourists. At least, if I went on a culinary tour I'd want to be able to ask questions about a dish's ingredients and its preparation of the chef, or at the very least the wait staff. And to inquire about the culture behind the dish. It wouldn't be worth much to me to have a guide who basically sat me down and ordered me some food.

I think you are so excited about the thought of moving home that you really aren't thinking through all the ramifications. I get homesick, too. I go 'home' at least yearly although it's not out of the country I live in, it is very different from where we live now. And frankly, it's much too expensive for us even if we did want to move there. If I were you I think I'd really think hard and unemotionally about this move and if perhaps you can satisfy your desire to go home with visiting more often.

Do you have DC with him OP? If you don't already, then don't. If you want them, find someone else.

He sounds like one of those people who does whatever is easiest for them and to hell with anyone else. If you're happy being an accessory to his life, crack on. If you want a life of your own and to be treated as equal to him, cut loose.

He's already hoodwinked you into 17yrs doing what he wants. He's then announced you're all moving, with no discussion with you or consideration for your opinion. All he cares about is whether he'd still get to see his DC and DM easily, so he discussed it with them before making his decision but you're just expected to go along with it. Now he's backtracking because he's changed his mind when he's seen what the working situation will be for him after the move. It's all about him and it always will be.

He doesn't like working, doesn't want to upskill, doesn't want to learn a new language - he's a cocklodger in the making - if you take him back to your home country I'm willing to bet it'll be one excuse after another for why he can't work. That's if he'll even go.

He's just telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear, to get whatever results it is he wants from any given situation. A tactic that's worked well for him so far, it seems.

No, he doesn't speak the language, but that's fine as the British school (with GCSEs) is literally within walking distance, and all classes are in English.

We're moving out of the area where we live regardless so the whole thing about friendships/ change of '"career" etc would be a similar disruption, just a different scale.

Getting a job in English is actually NOT that hard, but he'd need at least some qualifications beyond GCSEs that he doesn't have.

There's a fairly big English speaking expat community (around 700k) so he could be a handyman servicing THAT community.

I think it's doable (to an extent) but we'd need to spend a sabbatical there and see how everyone adapts. However I don't really know how realistic is that (pretty low I would think).

It sounds like you don’t actually want go back to your home country (at least not with your husband). You could just tell him you’ve changed your mind, though I’m not sure what you should say when he asks why.

I definitely do! But I'm unsure of the "when" if temporarily, forever, for retirement, etc...

Either move depends on me getting a fairly decent job (which I'm sure I can in both cases, but one might take longer) BUT I know my DH will have to get a job even if he doesn't like it, because he won't have a choice/excuse.

Over there, he'll have good reasons of why he can't. Either way we need to have a really good chat about his job prospects.