Issue with child in class

[Rhiannon93]

I’m working as a TA in a primary school in year 1 and I’m honestly really struggling with the behaviour of one child. The class teacher is having the same issues and we’re not sure how to handle it all. It’s her first year teaching and I’ve been a TA for two years.

I’ve reached out to the head who just says to keep going as we are as there’s no budget for any additional help.
The child doesn’t have any SEN diagnosed right now but his parents are looking into Autism and an EHCP.

On top of that, honestly he seems like he’s never been told no or disciplined at all? He seems like he’s been taught that throwing a tantrum gets him what he wants.. He can switch very quickly when he gets what he wants and can be very skilled socially, sweet and polite. I know he’s obviously struggling, he’s a lovely little boy and I really like him so I want him to be comfortable at school and have a chance to learn.

However, he can’t take any instructions, everything is a battle. Even asking him to sit down on the carpet results in him screaming, running round the classroom and throwing things. It’s not just asking him to do things, he’ll ask myself and the teacher if he can do/have things at inappropriate times and if it’s not possible then he screams. The other day in assembly he got up and asked me if he could go and get some colouring and bring it back. I obviously had to say no as this wouldn’t be fair on the other children. I explained this but his response was to start screaming and I had to remove him from assembly anyway. I feel like all this did was reinforce his behaviour.

We’re now at the point where we’ve made a little den for him in the classroom and he spends most of his time in there, otherwise he’s just screaming and crying. Again, I can’t help but think this reinforces behaviour; if he throws a tantrum he gets to sit in his den. It’s helped a lot but it means he’s not participating in the class and honestly, whilst he’s a lot better emotionally, he deserves an education and to be able to participate. He really struggles in the afternoons and cries a lot for his mum. We often have to console him with cuddles.

We’re really just trying to keep him happy and calm but at the same time I feel it’s alienating him. We also have 26 other children in the class who are quite upset but his screaming.

Any tips at all? Mum picks him up 15 minutes early every day and either me or the teacher goes to talk to her about his day. She’s very sweet, receptive and involved.

Speak to you SENDCo rather than Mumsnet, I’d say? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just try to keep him as happy and calm as you can for now, that’s all you can do. This learning model doesn’t suit his needs, that’s not your fault and not his either.

He needs an assessment as soon as possible.

Not being able to take instruction sounds like possible pda; maybe look it up as the techniques used may help.

It’s only a possibility, but just in case it helps…

https://childmind.org/article/pathological-demand-avoidance-in-kids/

I get that the den has become a bit of a necessity but it does reinforce his behaviour like you say. Does the mum say he's the same at home? It's highly frustrating that all of your time is taken up by one child meaning the rest of the class are largely ignored.

No advice, but wanted to say that you seem as though you are genuinely doing your best for this kid - it's such a shame that the other kids in the class are suffering. That's ridiculous behaviour for the remaining children to have to deal with and by speaking with the head, you're clearly trying to be proactive. It must be really frustrating.

As a parent of a kid who would actually be really distressed by another kid screaming all of the time, it wouldn't take me long for my patience to run out and I'd be speaking to the school. This may happen soon and will reinforce your judgement that more needs to be done.

I’ve already spoken to the head and SENDco. Told to keep going as we are and there’s no money for any extra support for him

Sounds like the school isn’t giving adequate sen provision for undiagnosed SEN children. But this isn’t the place to discuss it, so many parents here already deal with enough guilt having to send their children (diagnosed or not) into unsuitable educational settings with poorly trained/equipped staff without having to read what a ‘pain’ they are on a parenting site.

Why is every kid who struggles and cannot follow instructions automatically labelled as (undiagnosed) 'SEND' these days? Are some of these kids not the direct consequence of shutting the country down for 2 years due to covid?

Serious question - I'm not suggesting that this child doesn't have additional needs, just wondering when the penny will drop that we're seeing all of these poorly socialised lockdown kids coming through our schools now. In some cases, wouldn't it be a further betrayal to label and medicate them simply because they've missed out on the fundamentals?

Why does the higher recognition of SEND seem to trigger people on MN? A lot of the OP’s description reads as additional needs, and SEND doesn’t always equal autism/adhd - it means ‘this child is recognised as needing additional support and resources’. Regardless, someone not knowing how to do their job and needing to be told by MN because their higher ups won’t isn’t a great reflection of education in general.

I’m not complaining about him. I’m an educator who is genuinely concerned for this boy and would like some advice from others (parents or educators with similar experience) on how to give him a better experience at school. I’ve had to describe his behaviours to create an understanding for readers of what we are dealing with, sorry if you see that as complaining.

I’m not a teacher so my view won’t could as much as someone working in education but the child’s emotional regulation and being in the right headspace to engage with school in whatever way they are able to must be the most important thing. You are doing right by them by trying to help that. The other things will hopefully come down the line but just allowing them to cope with being in the school environment for now is so important.

What exactly do you think AIBU is going to tell you about doing your job? Reading back on your op, it makes me wonder how much SEN training has been provided, you keep referring to the child as having ‘tantrums’, but surely if autism is suspected they’re meltdowns triggered by his sensory environment - what targeted plan is in place to recognise this and avoid emotional disregulation for one?

Thank you that is reassuring and your view is valid. We’ve seen a marked improvement since he’s had his den. It’s now about getting him out of it and ready to participate. I don’t believe you have to be a teacher to know about this. Teachers teach, they have some training on SEN but not to the extent that all problems can be solved and behaviours managed like magic. Thank you :)

On that point, the UK should seriously consider raising the age for starting school.
It may shock you to know that children who are young for their class are more likely to be diagnosed with SEN.
(This doesn’t happen if they all start later btw…as the vast majority are developmentally ready for school by then.)

Schools have the resources deemed to support send DC prior to any EHC plan. It’s their duty to help dc however as a TA, you are the help.

Also Sen can be transitory. It’s not necessarily a label. Parents love labels. Learned behaviour isn’t necessarily send, but he still could have needs. It’s right you keep him occupied and allow others to learn. What did his nursery say about him? I guess he did what he wanted there? I’m not sure delaying school would help either. He would probably be suited to a nurture group but these have largely gone. We need them back. Many parents have struggled to parent and not just in the last 5 years!

No help but my DD had a boy in her class in KS1 that was very similar. He hurt the other kids as well. I thought it was sad that the whole class was taught that when the boy had an episode they were all to calmly get up and walk to a different classroom. He ended up being moved to a different school with better SEN provision after toppling over a TA, sitting in their chest and strangling her.

This is exactly my 4 year old son, who's been referred to an educational psychologist by school now.

He's made massive progress already with the support of school and support from us, but he still has some really bad days.

There is a possibility he has autism as he's very set on his routines.

I feel it's unfair to blame the parents - we definitely set boundaries with him at home and discipline him when he behaves badly.

And his 3 year old sister is completely different - I never get complaints from nursery.

You need to speak to the SENCo again and ask for some training. It isn’t your fault but you seem to have very little understanding of autism.

What has the SENCo done so far? Does the child have an IEP? Has he been seen by langauge and communication team or ed pysch?

I'm guessing he has sensory overload - have his parents looked into ear defenders which can reduce the noise but he can still hear? A boy in my children's class would have a desk by himself facing the wall to reduce overload.

if he is showing signs of demand avoidance give him limited choice ie would you like to colour now or in 5mins? so he still has to colour just he gets a choice when which might help if he responds badly to being asked to do things.

It is a very difficult position as like you say you want to support him, equally you want him to be involved not isolated, you want to gently show tantrums aren’t the right way to express his needs and you can’t abandon the other kids to solely focus on him. I think continue as you are and push for more support

Sounds like the school could help with a referral for an assessment if the parents are pursuing an EHCP already.
It sounds like assembly and carpet times stress the child out, both situations where children are expected to sit still and be quiet, and that is fairly typical for children with SEN. I'm not suggesting that you should have let him do colouring during an assembly but maybe a fidget toy could have helped him sit there.

Without targeted help he’s not going to access any part of the curriculum. This should have been picked up before he went to school. Of course parenting matters. Dc don’t just learn from school staff. It’s a case of working together and he might need a special school with many more staff or he might be in a den for years.

Not a TA/teacher but work in a primary school office, so I see various examples of struggling DC and the strategies our teachers and TAs use to help them. I also have a DC with ASD/ADHD who had various minor things in place to help him during the primary years.

-fiddle toys/wobble cushions/weighted wraps/ear defenders - a fiddle toy could also be an option for him to take into assembly to keep him distracted, for example. If absolutely no budget for anything like these, sometimes letting a child play with a chunk of blu tac can help them stay regulated. Sensory overload can be a major problem for some children.

-movement breaks - if he's reaching boiling point, the opportunity to get out of the classroom and let off steam (rather than simply screaming in the classroom) might help - though obviously you do need another adult to be able to accompany him.

-reduced timetable - it may be that he's simply not coping with the length of the school day and it could be worth speaking to your SENDCo to see if he/she could agree more of a reduced timetable with the parent. Is he appreciably more dysregulated in the afternoons compared to the mornings? For example we have some DC who leave straight after lunch (having at least managed to stay for the core learning during the morning, but can't cope with the afternoons), others who leave an hour early (as they can cope with some of the afternoon work but start to really struggle after that), others who leave 15 minutes early (because it's the busy end of day transition with lots of parents/DC on the playground at pick up that they struggle with). There are different options to explore here, if your SENDCo and the parent are open to considering them.

-den - what you have already introduced sounds like a good idea, as it will act as a safe space for him. Would it be feasible for you to set up a little workspace for him either within or just outside that den? This might be worth exploring.

It is really tough - so much of what you write does suggested some kind of SEND, but equally could also be a behavioural/parenting issue - or indeed a combination of the two. There are so many children in mainstream who are struggling.

It seems incredibly unprofessional to discuss this here and disclose this information.

You must surely have a body in the profession you can discuss this with, Mumsnet definitely isn't the right place

@BallerinaRadio. These dc are everywhere and often discussed on this forum!