Seeing someone new but white lie?

Newuserxxxx · 2025-04-01T09:35:31+00:00

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not. Sorry new here. I've been in horrific relationships in the past where there's been small lies turned into big lies so I don't know whether I'm over thinking or not. To keep it short, seeing someone new for a month, met on a dating app. We added each other on Facebook the other day. I noticed he posts loads of stuff, football stuff and other random funny stuff when he is at work. But he has repeatedly told me he's been so busy with work before adding which is why he's gone ages not responding during the day, yet he's posting on social media when he's at work? I don't expect him to respond to me quickly, I understand people get busy, I do too, but what is bugging me is he's lied, saying he's been so busy doing work, hasn't had time to respond, but posts a few times an hour on Facebook. He's given me a white lie. Would this irritate you? The fact he's lied about something he has no need to lie about in the first place? It's such a small lie?

Original poster

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 10:37

Is this a red flag? I don't want to put myself through not trusting him, I'd rather call it a day than not being able to trust him.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:39

I can idly check my social media without much thought, simultaneously putting off replying to a personal message which requires more thought to put together. I imagine this man is the same, as are many people. Getting your nose out of joint because you think if he has any free time he needs to use it responding to your messages sooner is unreasonable - but if it’s very important to you that people do so, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. He hasn’t lied about anything, his time prioritisation just means he puts different tasks in a particular order.

JudithWithABigKnife · 01/04/2025 10:39

Well, I think you're asking the wrong question. Someone posting 'funny stuff' and football stuff on FB multiple times an hour during the working day sounds like a bit of a tool, and an under-employed one at that, so that would be what had me deciding not to progress things.

JudithWithABigKnife · 01/04/2025 10:40

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:39

I can idly check my social media without much thought, simultaneously putting off replying to a personal message which requires more thought to put together. I imagine this man is the same, as are many people. Getting your nose out of joint because you think if he has any free time he needs to use it responding to your messages sooner is unreasonable - but if it’s very important to you that people do so, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. He hasn’t lied about anything, his time prioritisation just means he puts different tasks in a particular order.

Edited

That's also fair. I mean, you know this guy five minutes. If this is already an issue, this is definitely not the relationship for you.

Original poster

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 10:42

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:39

I can idly check my social media without much thought, simultaneously putting off replying to a personal message which requires more thought to put together. I imagine this man is the same, as are many people. Getting your nose out of joint because you think if he has any free time he needs to use it responding to your messages sooner is unreasonable - but if it’s very important to you that people do so, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. He hasn’t lied about anything, his time prioritisation just means he puts different tasks in a particular order.

Edited

I'm not fussed he hasn't responded quick, I don't respond quickly either, and if he wants to flick through social media he can, he it's the fact he's told me he's been so busy running round at work, but he can't of been if he's posting multiple times an hour.

OP posts:

lazycats · 01/04/2025 10:43

A Facebook addict would be a massive turn-off in of itself (it’s not 2007 anymore) but I think you’re overthinking it. It’s been a month, it’s ok to not reply straight away. This happening later into the relationship would be annoying though.

stayathomer · 01/04/2025 10:47

You can absolutely be busy and then click in and out of things but just have a think about how you feel in general about him because if you’re already noticing this kind of stuff he might start thinking you’re checking up on him and you’re going to start a relationship with two people being paranoid

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:47

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 10:42

I'm not fussed he hasn't responded quick, I don't respond quickly either, and if he wants to flick through social media he can, he it's the fact he's told me he's been so busy running round at work, but he can't of been if he's posting multiple times an hour.

Show quote history

I think it sounds as though you need to do some work on yourself and getting over the aftermath of your past horrific relationships and how they cause you to react to situations before starting a new one. You’re going to drive yourself and any new partner mad with things like accusing them of lying over posting on social media when they said they were busy.

People don’t usually mean they had literally not a second to themselves when they say they were too busy to respond to a message. They usually mean “I didn’t have the headspace to do this particular task which required a bit of thought in how I answered and trying to find something clever or witty to say.”

BlondiePortz · 01/04/2025 10:47

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:39

I can idly check my social media without much thought, simultaneously putting off replying to a personal message which requires more thought to put together. I imagine this man is the same, as are many people. Getting your nose out of joint because you think if he has any free time he needs to use it responding to your messages sooner is unreasonable - but if it’s very important to you that people do so, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. He hasn’t lied about anything, his time prioritisation just means he puts different tasks in a particular order.

Edited

This is me, although I am long term married. I do different things at work not work related and sometimes don't text my husband as much

Nothing against him I am just in a different head space at work, not just him either

ConiferBat · 01/04/2025 10:49

I do think it's a red flag, but I think it's an indicator that you might not be compatible.

As PP said, your texts probably require more thought than reposting a meme or whatever, but nevertheless, it's not sitting right that he makes excuses.
The truth is he's choosing to do other things in his break OR you're not in his thoughts which isn't a great indicator so early in your relationship.

Atlas2022 · 01/04/2025 10:55

My boyfriend does this alllll the time - doesn't reply to my text but will send a meme. It was a bit annoying at first but I have learned that it has absolutely no reflection on our relationship or how he feels about me.
As PP said its very easy to dip in and out mindlessly on SM. If he's right in other ways, I'd let this go.

LadyIce2 · 01/04/2025 10:58

You are overthinking it! He might be very busy, hence taking micro breaks to cope with the stress. Putting something funny on Facebook takes no effort whereas responding to someone you are into actually takes effort (wants to make sure he says the right thing). As long as he gets back to you within a reasonable time frame (e.g. on his lunch break or after work), I don't see anything to worry about.

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2025 11:02

I wouldn't treat it as a red flag, it sounds like he is managing your expectations. For some reason he doesn't feel able to just say that he won't respond to your messages straight away, or while he is at work. Maybe he's posting about football or memes because he's with his work mates, and in that head space?

Rhiannon93 · 01/04/2025 11:03

Yes this would irritate me. ‘If he wanted to, he would’
My partner will always text me at least once during the day to check how I am.
It may be that your conversations have quite long messages and it’d need a lot of brain power for him to respond though? Especially if you’re early on.
but at the same time I wouldn’t be interested in a grown man who posts on Facebook all day. I also wouldn’t be interested in a football man, been there done that, it takes over their lives.
My gut would tell me this guy was off to be honest

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 11:10

Well, as someone who loves a bit of facebook, I'd be more concerned about the endless facebook posting! An update, a picture, a meme... fine. The people who post endless things throughout the day are just weird in my opinion. glares at DH's extended family.

However, I think often people have a sort of automatic "share" button as they're looking at things and then it populates everywhere so to be fair, it's not always a conscious "I must share" moment.

FidosMum84 · 01/04/2025 11:29

This is massively overthinking after a month together. I’ve been crazy busy all morning so I’ve gone into another room to doom scroll on here to clear my head. I’ve also checked fb. I know I won’t get a break until late afternoon, but do I want to start a text exchange now? No.
Take a breath, he’s done nothing wrong.

Original poster

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 11:47

Rhiannon93 · 01/04/2025 11:03

Yes this would irritate me. ‘If he wanted to, he would’
My partner will always text me at least once during the day to check how I am.
It may be that your conversations have quite long messages and it’d need a lot of brain power for him to respond though? Especially if you’re early on.
but at the same time I wouldn’t be interested in a grown man who posts on Facebook all day. I also wouldn’t be interested in a football man, been there done that, it takes over their lives.
My gut would tell me this guy was off to be honest

This is what I think too, am I interested in a man in his 40s posting a lot on social media. He also comments on public things on what is going on around the world, the wars, religion, etc. Instead of just scrolling past and accepting someone's religion, he will comment his own opinion and make his opinion into a fact and the other person's opinion into a lie. It's quite embarrassing when I see it come up on my news feed.

OP posts:

PrawnAgain · 01/04/2025 11:51

I'd see it as a massive red flag if I told someone I was casually dating that I was busy and they challenged me because they'd been monitoring my social media to verify how busy I was....

JHound · 01/04/2025 11:51

You are just not a priority for him. I would take that information and act accordingly.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2025 11:52

PrawnAgain · 01/04/2025 11:51

I'd see it as a massive red flag if I told someone I was casually dating that I was busy and they challenged me because they'd been monitoring my social media to verify how busy I was....

I agree. I'd be running a mile if I were him.

JHound · 01/04/2025 11:53

As multiple blokes have told me - nobody is ever too busy to respond.

I don’t think that’s necessarily cut and dry but a “hey super busy so won’t be able to chat / message properly till later” takes seconds.

TwistedWonder · 01/04/2025 11:55

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:39

I can idly check my social media without much thought, simultaneously putting off replying to a personal message which requires more thought to put together. I imagine this man is the same, as are many people. Getting your nose out of joint because you think if he has any free time he needs to use it responding to your messages sooner is unreasonable - but if it’s very important to you that people do so, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. He hasn’t lied about anything, his time prioritisation just means he puts different tasks in a particular order.

Edited

Agree with this. I can casually check SM, like a mates FB post, send a ha ha, quick post on here or whatever within 30 seconds whereas I take more time and thought to reply up a message, which I really do until o get home.

I don’t think he’s lying at all, he just doesn’t see SM posting same way as sending messages to a potential date.

Also there’s no such thing as a white lie - it’s either a lie or it isn’t and I don’t see what he’s doing as lying at all.

Original poster

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 11:55

PrawnAgain · 01/04/2025 11:51

I'd see it as a massive red flag if I told someone I was casually dating that I was busy and they challenged me because they'd been monitoring my social media to verify how busy I was....

Please read my previous posts, I don't mind he hasn't responded quick, it's the fact he randomly told me he had been super busy with work, yet he had been posting. It's the white lie I am concerned about.

OP posts:

JHound · 01/04/2025 12:01

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:47

I think it sounds as though you need to do some work on yourself and getting over the aftermath of your past horrific relationships and how they cause you to react to situations before starting a new one. You’re going to drive yourself and any new partner mad with things like accusing them of lying over posting on social media when they said they were busy.

People don’t usually mean they had literally not a second to themselves when they say they were too busy to respond to a message. They usually mean “I didn’t have the headspace to do this particular task which required a bit of thought in how I answered and trying to find something clever or witty to say.”

Show quote history

Ok this is fair and another way of thinking about it I had not thought of. I think I was being very literal as I tend to be and would never say “I was too busy with work to respond” unless that was true!

Turtlepineapple · 01/04/2025 12:04

To be completely honest. A 40 year old man sharing random posts on social media multiple times an hour whilst at work, commenting his opinion on posts he sees that are nothing to do with him is enough to give me the instant ick.

I think perhaps it’s not the fact he isn’t messaging you fast enough, it’s probably the amount of crap he’s sharing that’s making you feel uneasy.

I personally sometimes do not message my friends or DH back but will quickly check on fb or have a scroll on mumsnet. It’s not in a horrible way it’s just a bit of me time. But yeah multiple times every hour is normal for a 16 year old, not 40.