To think DH pretending not to hear the baby crying at 3 AM is some sort of Olympic level skill?

[Sarah820]

Honestly, I swear my DH has some kind of superpower when it comes to “not hearing” the baby at night. Baby wakes up screaming at 3 AM, I’m up like a shot, meanwhile DH is lying there like he’s in a coma. I nudge him, nothing. I whisper his name, nothing. I say his name a bit louder, still nothing. Then I full-on shake him and suddenly he’s all “oh sorry, I didn’t hear” ???

But if I so much as turn my phone screen on under the duvet at 11 PM, he’s wide awake moaning about the “glow” keeping him up. Make it make sense.

AIBU to think he’s just pretending so I deal with it, or do some men actually just have selective deafness when it comes to babies? Because I’m seriously considering playing a 3 AM air horn next time just to test the theory.

My DH was generally pretty good, but as I breastfed there was little point in him getting up if it was for a feed. I do remember giving him a swift kick in the calf used to get him awake on the odd occasion I just couldn't face another rocking back to sleep session.

I don't know about your DH but when my baby was first home from the hospital and waking every hour in the night, my DH was snoring his head off. He couldn't have faked that level of snoring.

That's not to say your DH is or isn't faking it but mothers are more attuned to hear a baby cry.

You're definitely going to have to do more than nudge him awake!

Selective deafness so you give up and deal with it.
He's probably hoping that if he acts difficult to wake you won't bother to even try.

I had one of these as well.

couldn’t hear them cry, forgot how to make up a bottle, didn’t know where I put the pyjamas etc.
Absolutely useless, he didn’t get better.

My DH can sleep through a bomb going off (not hyperbole, he has actually done this). The baby crying did not wake him.

AIBU to think he’s just pretending so I deal with it, or do some men actually just have selective deafness when it comes to babies?

There's no scientific reason why he can't hear the baby crying just because he's a man. What is he like during the day in terms of attentiveness, parenting, and pulling his weight around the house?

I would put money on him ignoring the noise so you'll get up. Although... I was a single parent when my boys were born, and I was sensitive to their noises because there was nobody else as a back up, and I had no choice. On the occasions where I had family stay over to help through the night, I sort of knew there was somebody else there, so I may not have leapt up straight away.

If you were there and the responsibility was solely his, I reckon he would suddenly be able to hear.

Unless of course he is on some heavy duty medication which would mean he isn't able to wake up. I wouldn't buy being a deep sleeper, because I am. I've slept through all sorts, but I've always been able to hear the kids.

To be fair I can well believe he just can’t hear it, my husband is the same! He’s a brilliant dad, genuinely couldn’t ask for better, but the sound of the baby crying just never wakes him up! He could sleep through the house falling down around him. He’s amazing and perfectly happy to do whatever once he’s awake but the cry just doesn’t wake him up.

When DD was a baby my XH accused me of getting up 'on purpose' to try to prevent him from bonding with her. (He wasn't fully asleep, if he were he'd have been snoring.)

I know you do nudge him awake but sure you're awake yourself by then anyway. It's not as good as getting precious uninterrupted sleep.

THANK YOU! I knew I wasn’t imagining it!!

Post natal women do have hormones to cope with sleep deprivation, ie they're built for it, men aren't.

My DH did get up for every feed, even though he really didn't have to! (he did the nappies). However, I found I couldn't sleep AT ALL in the same room as the baby whereas he could. DC6 is still with him :)

Mine doesn’t hear anything. And then has nerve to tell me in the morning how tired he is

It's such a competition with them isn't it.

dont ask a new father when the lo slept through the night
most of them are oblivious ime!

My husband used to tell people the baby was sleeping through the night from 3 months old- no, the baby was not sleeping through the night- but my husband was!!

My husband doesn’t wake at DC crying in the night. He wakes at me getting up. Or if I kick in the leg. DH is an involved parent during the day and if I wake him, he’ll deal with DC in the night.

From an evolutionary point of view, women are biologically programmed to hear a crying baby. It’s why you are up in the blink of an eye. It’s why 3 years later I can hear if DC is getting out of bed or waking before they start crying. A phone glow would cause a light that would wake him as it might have signalled an attack is coming. I always had better hearing than DH anyway but now I think my hearing is supersonic and his has just stayed the same. I can hear DC over the TV in the evening even though I sit further from the living room door.

So nudge him awake to deal with the baby. You wake up briefly but you don’t have to get out of bed which I find is the hard bit to get back to sleep from and the bit that causes me to feel more sleep deprived. Or he has no lie-ins at weekend, you do the night wakings and he’s up at 5/6/7am with the baby and you catch up on sleep then.

Haha! Mine used to do that! "Tossing and turning all night, I was. So tired. Barely slept"
Well, you snored your way through two feeds, at least!

Honestly, controversial but I think some people sleep more deeply than others. My husband is a very light sleeper and sometimes he’s up with our small children 3-4 times in a night (rare but does sometimes happens) and honest to god, I don’t heat a thing. I sleep through it all, it makes me feel bad, and he does wake me up sometimes to help which is totally fair and I never mind or moan, of course, but I think some people just sleep more deeply. He told me initially he thought I was pretending but he knows now it’s genuine.

As a man in this conversation, I sleep through anything. Always have, pre kids I could fall asleep anywhere no matter how noisy. My DW is the opposite and wakes at anything and once she is awake thats her for a good hour, while if I do happen to wake ill be asleep again in 30 seconds.

As a couple we work around this, its not fair that she is left to do all the nights so instead I stay up late and do the 10-1:30am wake ups / feeds. Usually once I have done that I can go to sleep knowing DW wont be woken before 3am earliest usually later.

Its not ideal but its the only way we can make sure that everything doesn't fall on my wife.

I slept like the dead until I had children. Then they only had to snuffle a bit and I was on alert.

DH could sleep through a nuclear alarm. Lucky bastard.

Actually I’m not sure about that. I have seen a couple of studies that show women - even those with no children - tend to wake to the sound of a baby crying more than men do. Also their heart rate responded more to the sound of a baby in distress.

My DH also did a bit of pretending on top of it I’d say.

Well done. A good system.

He's got you well trained OP.
This is the reason elbows are pointy.

We have the monitor set to a low volume so that whoever isn't on isn't as disturbed by it - I have slept through a couple of instances when I must have subconsciously known it wasn't my turn.

My husband is better at getting back to sleep, doesn't have distracting boobs for night weaning, and he prefers the hard mattress of the clic clac sofa bed where we often end up cosleeping with DS in the nursery.

So it's all him at the moment.

Why does he need to wake up though, if you're awake amyway? If you want an undisturbed night then I'd sleep elsewhere