19 Year Old Son Binge Drinking

[SnappyOtter]

Good Morning Everyone,

I will preface by saying myself and husband have a doctors appointment this afternoon for him.

We are a normal (ish) family. Teenage years he was very adverse to drink/smoking and drugs and was a gym boy. We did let him have the occasional drink at family parties at 17 but nothing major- he was very much the kid who tried something and said it tasted disgusting and chose not to have anymore.

However since he turned 18 and has been going out with friends to the pub and clubbing. Mentions his friends drug taking (he has said he isn't doing anything)...but he is drinking tons when he goes out. This has gone from a Friday night gradually to most of the weekend.

Today he has a massive exam at college- as in a this will be the final bit of him finalising his career exam so he will finish his apprenticeship. Last night he went out after college to see a friend for food. Came back at 9pm absolutely steaming drunk and told us that he needs a drink when he's stressed to help him go to sleep, was full of attitude about it as well. His nan bought him a bottle of whiskey for his birthday the other week and we saw it in the drawer and he has made his way through it sitting in his room on his own.

He's normally the most polite young man, I get comments on it all the time from everyone, but when he drinks, he's getting paranoid and extremely attitudy.

I maybe have a glass or two of wine once a month now as I also used to turn into a massive twat when I was drunk so I just stopped drinking as it was getting me in trouble when younger.

Before he became legally able to drink alcohol, I made him aware of dangers etc, I have tried to speak to him about myself and how he is carbon copy of how I got with drink at his age but he's just like yeah whatever....

My husband is thankfully very calm and is very strategic about doctors and then therapy if required, but my sons comment of it helps me sleep has terrified me.

As I said, we have a doctors appointment and the means thankfully for a therapist should that be required.

I think my question is has anyone else had a teenager who's gone through this? I literally had my friends intervene with me and a bad incident which made me point blank stop drinking. I don't want him to get to that point.

I have said today no more alcohol in the house, but he earns his own money and is 19 so I cannot ban him from going out.

My DS didn't and doesn't binge drink but reading your post reminded me very much of myself.
I was given small amounts of alcohol at home on special occasions growing up. I had it impressed upon me never to go down the route of getting served alcohol illegally in pubs or drink outside the home , as a lot of my contemporaries were doing, because my father was high profile in the community and it would " reflect on him" if I was caught. BUT once I reached 18 and could legally drink I made the big discovery that drinking eased my painful shyness and made it possible for me to socialise with people. And that drinking was "fun". After that binge drinking ruined many things in my life and I can totally relate to your son drinking before his important exam.
So I think definitely your son needs to explore exactly why he is drinking this way. The GP may be helpful . And there are other organisations that can provide help and counselling for the drinker and the drinkers family. But for your son to address his problem it needs him to realise he has one. He needs to want to turn his relationship with alcohol around.

Sounds like me and most of my friendship group at that age to be honest.

From about 17 to 25....that was most weekends.

Thank you- I had the exact same family as you it seems growing up myself which I why I started.

I however never made it a thing and was like yeah learn to control it before you start going out and it still hasn't worked. Was all down to me when I stopped drinking (my parents were all oh no no one needs to know its a problem for you), now I don't know how best to help him. AGH PARENTING.

Doctor and Therapy for going out for beers on a weekend seems ott

The drinking with friends at the weekend is pretty normal. Drinking a bottle of whiskey by yourself in your room and needing alcohol to sleep are problematic and you are right to take it seriously.

I think you're massively overreacting. He's 19. I was out drinking 5 nights a week at 19 at university, most of the time you had a great time, sometimes you'd have a cry and sometimes you'd be sick on your shoes. He's finding his way through this period of his life, sure encourage him that there might be more positive ways to de stress and rest but I think you're projecting your own issues with alcohol onto him.

You have a problem with alcohol and you are projecting it onto him.
A GP appointment and therapy is totally over reacting.

I was shit faced all the time between 18-25.

Remember going to the Hacienda, getting drunk, going home and writing an essay. More than once.

I think you’re the problem not him.

A doctors appointment? OP I mean this kindly but you are massively overreacting at this stage and I say that as a recovering alcoholic. He came home drunk…. At 9pm? He’s ‘making his way through’ his bottle of whiskey… what is he supposed to do with it? Just let it sit in the drawer forever?

I recognise alcohol issues very easily after being an alcoholic for around 20 years and in recovery for the last 3.5. But kindly, none of this sounds concerning at this stage.

Edit: do you think you’re maybe overreacting a little due to your own relationship with alcohol? You said you used to become a twat when drinking so you cut down, maybe you’re projecting a little bit onto DS who in all honesty sounds like a normal 19 year old man

Obviously binge drinking isn’t great, but it’s fairly normal for teenagers. Are you sure he drank the bottle of whisky by himself? Maybe he shared with friends? Be careful that you don’t project your own issues on him. Who knows, maybe he has a drinking problem, but he is his own person and not a carbon copy of you.

I think a lot of youngsters don't actually understand what alcohol is and how dangerous it can be, because it's legal.

I certainly had no clue about safe amounts or how little it took before one is actually a bit drunk, nor how relatively little it takes to be completely pissed.

This
At 19 I was out every weekend, couldn't even begin to tell you how much I'd drink and I'd be out all Friday, Sat and Sun.
Drinking alone in your room though and needing it to sleep?
No, that's definitely where it's becoming problematic.

To be honest it sounds very much like me at his age too, and all my friends - binge drinking was completely normal in the late 90s/early 2000s. I didn't have an alcohol problem and I barely drink nowadays, I just liked getting drunk back then because 1) everyone else was and 2) it helped with shyness. Oh and 3) I didn't get hangovers! It did also help me sleep, which helped with anxiety. If I had alcohol in the house I'd have a glass every night... but if I didn't, I didn't miss it.

The concern is drinking before a big exam, which is stupid and suggest he can't control himself. He may be self-sabotaging, or he may have a drink problem. Either way some therapy is always a good idea, but the drinking with friends at the weekend wouldn't concern me at all.

This really. I get so stressed about my son drinking, he’s 19 next week. Most of the time he’s sensible but sometimes he gets in a bad way. I’m 3.5 years sober after years with a drink problem (daily wine drinker rather than a binger) and it’s hard not to project so I do get the worry. I just have to try and rationalise it that he’ll probably grow up and grow out of it, like most people do

A better question would be: who hasn’t had a teenager who’s gone through this?

I get your concerns, but your reaction seems heavy handed and I think this could seriously backfire. I'd tread carefully.

As PPs have said, to some extent this is very normal and most youngsters will grow out of it- but not all do and you can’t necessarily tell which way a person will go!

I did a lot of binge drinking at that age, as did almost all of my friends. It was indeed very typical behaviour. Most calmed down after a few years but not all did. I didn’t, and continued to use alcohol as a crutch through my twenties. So I find it hard to tell if you’re overreacting or not- although drinking alone and not being able to sleep without it is definitely a bit of an alarm bell.

The MN response is that drinking this much at this age is perfectly normal and that they grow out of it

I haven't. And I don't think the OP is overreacting, though I am not sure the doctor and therapy will help.

Guess I am alone in this though. I didnt binge drink as a teen.

Plenty of people. Not all teens are into drinking. I wasn't and neither were some of my friends.

I'm not sure seeing a doctor is the right way to go, OP. But I understand your concerns.

I agree that needing a drink to get to sleep when he’s stressed was a worrying comment. Going out and getting tanked up with your mates is one thing; doing it the night before an important exam to keep stress at bay though is more concerning.

You might be being OTT going to the doctor BUT it could also be helpful for him to be told by a medical professional that drinking to relieve stress is unhealthy and can become problematic in the longterm. He can learn other ways to reduce stress-exercise, meditation, for example.

I fully admit I am a prude and a very strict mum.
Life is so difficult I don't see the point in adding to the difficulty by binge drinking, smoking and taking drugs.

Luckily DS is a gym rat and doing a very punishing course at uni, so pretty uninterested in drinking. DH doesnt drink either.

It sounds to me like you have a particular view of alcohol (possibly driven by your own experiences) and are projecting that on to him.

Your reference to ‘allowing him’ the ‘occasional’ bit of alcohol at 17 struck me as bizarre. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to police my DC’s drinking with friends at that age, never mind at a family event.

Most of it sounds quite normal for his age, except for the amount he drank in his room and the drinking before an exam. Also doing it for stress reasons and not just fun. But the drinking before the exam could easily have been down to him just getting carried away with friends and making a poor decision.

I drank loads at that age, from barely drinking in sixth form to going a bit mad at uni! I didn't drink on my own though, that's what would worry me re your DS's drinking, not the fact that he goes out and parties (par for the course at that age).