Working full time with young DC

[Struggleline]

If you do this, can I ask how you manage? And especially how you manage around illness?

DH and I are 4 weeks into working full time with a DS 11 months. We are struggling so much! I work 8am - 5.30pm so I work a bit less on Fridays. DH 8am to 7pm or later sometimes. In the office twice per week and those days are even longer with a commute. DS in nursery 3 days and grandparents 2 days. My work have refused my request to drop any hours and DH has the same issue.

DS is picking up all sorts which I know is normal. We’re at hospital with him now waiting to be seen as I think he has RSV or a chest infection. I’m meant to be on a train to a conference at 6am. DH is away for the night. What do you do in this scenario? Do you push through or cancel your day and take leave? I already feel like I’m penalised for just being back from maternity leave. When do you fit in everything else?

Do you work for the NHS by any chance? Inflexibility sounds about right...

Well it’s doable, but it isn’t fun. I managed as a single parent and sole carer with zero family help (parents too old and too far away). A combination of flexible work (so I could WFH with a sick DD), spending pretty much my whole salary on childcare, having childcare that was a combination of nanny and nursery then later a combination of au pair and after school club. You’ll get through. If you have four + adults taking turns that’s wonderful. Luxury!

I had this. My son was hospitalised for Covid and rsv shortly after I went back to work. I had a really important day at work the next day. I hadn’t showered and had slept in a chair all night. My husband could technically have taken over the following morning and I could have gone to work on 2 hours sleep and yesterdays clothes but it would have been awful plus my baby needed me.

Work were understanding but obviously knew they were second fiddle to my baby. My job was never the same after mat leave and after a year or so I quit to be a sahm when due our second baby.

i personally couldn’t make a full time job with travel work with a baby who was always poorly from nursery

I sympathise. In your position, I would talk to the grandparents if they would have any flexibility or else I would take annual leave to cover those days really. I would also look around for jobs with better flexibility (reduced hours, fully wfh, etc).

Can the grandparents help?

I know that MIL would take DS in a heartbeat for us tomorrow but I feel torn with guilt as I’m his mum and need to be here in the hospital with him. It’s so difficult! My workplace isn’t the NHS, it is a large employer who ironically are always winning awards for their family friendly policies!

The first year is really tough and the juggle of sick child with work is a lot. I’ve found that it helps if one of you has a slightly more flexible job than the other. In our case it’s me. It doesn’t sound like DS can go to nursery tomorrow so surely one of you will have to cancel your plans. In our cases we both work hybrid but tended to both stay at home if possible while DS was ill and tag team so that we both worked part of the day each and covered key priorities. If one of us had stuff on that would be really difficult to miss in person then the other parent just had to do the whole day as childcare. This happened a couple of times. I tended to take part days of leave over the course of a week when DS was ill - I’m not sure if work would have made me do this but it made me feel better as I didn’t do all my hours. DH tended to work in the evenings to catch up and took no leave when DS was ill.

To answer your question I don’t think full time is the issue it’s how understanding your employers are, how flexible they are and realistically whether your close colleagues also have young children.

I didn't have a job that required travel, but have a 2 children, 4 and 18 months and have worked full time throughout. My first child was ill at least 1 nursery day per week for the first year, my second hasn't been anywhere near as bad. Managed by me always working with her / around her at home (when ill) and doing at least 2 evenings of meetings per week, sometimes juggling solo bedtime at the same time (hideous) so i could get some space in my days to do nursery runs. My second I can't do that but my husband now has some flexibility so we'll switch our time and days around, and now have one of our mums to pull on in a crisis. I've always felt whilst hard it was manageable but it's starting to feel hard at the moment (one currently ill and the other clingy so pondering my plan b for tomorrow!)

we did it for years. I went part time once kids were teenagers and didn’t need me. And yes, you need either a nanny that can support you when you need extra help and be home with a sick child rather than using nursery or a grandparent that will do the same. If you’re having more children then a nanny can work out to be totally affordable and worth it. It’s expensive for one but not two/three. To think you can just deprioritise work is not an option for some. I think if you’re both in a job that can’t flex with you then you need outside help, however you choose to do that. We were both middle to high earners and couldn’t take time off without causing an issue at work.

I think it only works if you have an understanding employer or lots of alternative childcare. What reasons have they given for refusing your request? X

It's not possible without an understanding employer, which I've been lucky to have. If your child is in hospital, you absolutely need to take time off work.
Even with a good employer it is very difficult and doesn't get much easier in primary school. I remember expecting it to get better but instead weekends were packed with activities, party invites, play dates and rushing about to do the housework, make sure uniforms are ready all life admin etc. I'm part time now and life is so much easier. If one of you can look for part time employment elsewhere I would do it. They grow up so fast and there really is little time to enjoy it when you work full time.

We aren’t high earners to be honest, but we earn enough that I do need to work (we both earn £50k - £60k). I don’t know many people with a nanny but do know plenty where both parents have to work. I was fully prepared to drop to 4 days and was so surprised when my employer said no as I know loads of women who do the same, but were trying to get on with it.

If my DC was in hospital then i’d absolutely be cancelling. Cough / cold, ok to stay with grandma. But sick enough for hospital, i’d be putting baby ahead of work. We struggled a lot at that point, as had no family to help out. Kids late teens now but haven’t forgotten how hard that season of life is.

Honestly i doubt it’s what you want to hear; but I quit my job. If you can’t do that then I guess you use up annual leave or take unpaid leave at last minute. I ended up doing that and it got to the point where I couldn’t go on and tension at work was so stressful; so I took redundancy when it was offered. It wasn’t really redundancy though because my replacement from mat leave just stayed so technically my job did still exist but by then I wanted out because I was so worn down and being ill myself. I have zero family support near us so when baby was ill (still the case now but less so!) I had zero childcare. If you need or want to keep working could you afford a nanny or au pair? Someone who lives in or a babysitter who can take baby when ill…. It’s horrible to be honest to work full time with young kids in my experience and I don’t know any women who have done it and enjoyed it any more than just survived it! Best of luck xxx

We both work full time and manage it fine, but frankly 8-5:30 and 8-7pm are combined two very long days and I’m not sure that’s sustainable together.
I work 8-4 and DH works 9:30-6 so we can stagger the day a bit and there still feels like a nice amount of the day around work and childcare.

Do you push through or cancel your day and take leave?
How can you push through if your child is in hospital?

We split time off due to illnesses slightly unevenly as DH gets paid dependants leave and I don’t so he takes a bit more of the time off. He also dealt with all the illnesses & appointments in the first 2 months after I returned back to work as it was my time to focus on work and get back into the swing a bit.

I always remember in the job I had when I first had first ds ringing in and asking could I take al because son was sick. Answer: of course! Family takes priority! See you tomorrow.

After this happened a few times: Answer: Is he bad? Do you not have anyone who’s take him? How long do i you u think he’ll be sick for? (Long pause then sigh): fine

dh’s job was a bit better but finally called him in and told him they couldn’t accommodate him so much.

I requested extra wfh days and reduced hours after mat leave and got declined. Dh works long days and travels so it wasn’t realistic I could remain in my job. I left and found a new one where flexibility is encouraged and supported. I go into office once a week otherwise wfh. When I go into the office I leave at 4pm rather than 5 and make the time back in the evening. Sickness is tough. Family, friends, neighbours - you really need to ask anyone you can. It gets easier but the first winter of nursery was the worst for us.

Just take the day off. Work will cope. Yes it’s the motherhood penalty, but your son needs you and that’s what we sign up for.

I know its easy for me to say this now but this time will pass. Myself and my DH both work full time. My DS went to nursery at just under 11 months and my god i was off with him so much at the start. Unluckily my son had an abscess to the brain at 14 months and I was off with him for 3 months while he was hospitalised. It was really from when he was 2 years old I noticed a big difference in him not being ill the same. If your DS is in hospital then stuff work. If its a cold etc then grandma to the rescue. Hope your DS is okay and big hugs as its not easy x

Sounds really difficult. If your child is ill , there isn't much you can do but call in sick tomorrow. Unfortunately I've had to not go in because of child illness, it's very difficult.

It can be tricky at first but gets better with time.

Make sure that the load is shared between both you and DH so whoever took time off last time, have it be the other person this time if possible. Grandparents if possible when it's an emergency.

Hope your little one is better soon.

I pushed through a horrible, rigid couple of years to enhance my CV and ‘angle’ myself for a fully flexible role that doesn’t count hours/have me clock watching. It was a bit of luck but also lots of research into the type of roles that were more flexible and what experience I’d need etc.

I went back to full time as deputy head when my DD was 8 months old. When on mat leave with my second, I quit my career of 10 years for a flexible WFH job. I felt sad about it to start with but later realised how much time I'd been missing on for myself as well constantly working late and and on the weekends. Took a 12k pay drop which was not ideal when we were (and still are) paying over £1000 a month for nursery. But I'm so present and my new employer is so flexible, I have 0 worries about being there for them when they need it.
I do condensed full time hours.
I work 7-3 two days a week so I can pick them up and spend that time together, then top up after bedtime. I do 7-5 for the other 2 days and have a Friday off, take them to playgroup etc.
I feel so lucky and like I've won the work lottery.
Getting the other job took a lot of work but it's the best thing I've ever done.

Emergency unpaid parental leave is a stauatory right for exactly these circumstances. If your employer will not let you work flexible/ WFH then they still have to let you have time off.

Little kids get poorly, especially when they are in nursery. Fortunately, I have a good employer (now) but it is hard work.

Yup. It's grim.

I martyred myself a lot in the early days, and in hindsight felt like shit. I wish I'd prioritised the kids. Work wouldn't show you the same loyalty.

I would lean out, do the bare minimum until the kids are older. Keep your hand in. Use statutory unpaid leave / carers leave etc. Rely on Grandparents where you can. We did, and actually DCs relationship with grandparents is stronger for it.

It does pass and it does get easier.

Go easy on yourself. Put work and professional pride to one side. Accept you aren't superhuman and you can't be parent of the year. Roll with it.