Working full time with young DC

[Struggleline]

If you do this, can I ask how you manage? And especially how you manage around illness?

DH and I are 4 weeks into working full time with a DS 11 months. We are struggling so much! I work 8am - 5.30pm so I work a bit less on Fridays. DH 8am to 7pm or later sometimes. In the office twice per week and those days are even longer with a commute. DS in nursery 3 days and grandparents 2 days. My work have refused my request to drop any hours and DH has the same issue.

DS is picking up all sorts which I know is normal. We’re at hospital with him now waiting to be seen as I think he has RSV or a chest infection. I’m meant to be on a train to a conference at 6am. DH is away for the night. What do you do in this scenario? Do you push through or cancel your day and take leave? I already feel like I’m penalised for just being back from maternity leave. When do you fit in everything else?

We have no GP help so have to do literally everything ourselves.

We knew this would be the case before DS arrived so we both made sure we got our employers to agree to us WFH along with fairly significant flexibility. Without this it would be totally impossible for us both to work.

Why does your DH work 11+ hrs a day as standard? Is he climbing the ladder in a legal career or something?

Assuming he's not contracted to do those hours, he should cut down.

I couldn’t afford to put them in nursery even part time so it was a matter of making it up as I/we went along.

over the years with 3DC that’s been a combination of taking them to work with me, working evenings/nights, working at home with them there, working opposing shifts so someone is always home, working multiple jobs, occasional crèches, working 6/7 days per week to get enough hours in, giving up maternity leave, setting up babysitting circles with friends, eventually a part time childminder with dc3 as the finances finally stretched to it. None of these things have been ideal. But we never went through such a big transition as you are, right now.

Id suggest splitting all parental leave evenly between the parents, you shouldn’t be penalised for it but neither should your employers - perhaps look at a different style of childcare - we never had the kids pick up everything phase I see so often referred to at nursery/school start? Can you or your DP look for a more flexible role or shift work or freelance ? Night work has always been my savour in the hard times - kids during the day and work at night has often been the only sane way to juggle it all

your doing amazingly I’m sure. Keep going? It will pass!

It's really tough! Echoing what other posters have said that having understanding employers help. It does get better once the nursery illnesses have settled and going into summer helps.
Between DH and I, we make sure that we are around. So DH wouldn't be able to be away with work the night before I had to leave at 6am for a conference and vice versa. We both go into the office every day about 45mins from home, and neither can both be in London on the same day for example.
We also have no family help at all.
And not ideal but on days where there is sickness, we try and keep abreast and of work, even if that's a few emails during naps or in the evening and has helped me have a supportive employer.

You accept that your leave is mainly getting used for child illness stuff.

You're careful to use sick leave when you’re sick, rather than battle through and get overly rundown.

You use any flexi time tactically (like build it up or use it to claw back time off with sick child) rather than for nice to have Friday afternoons off.

And you accept that you can’t ’have it all’. There are career implications in the short term of being an actively engaged with your child parent. Most people choose to parent, some choose to outsource the parenting bit and prioritise career. It’s tough, and the myth that can have it all at once is really unhelpful. You need to pick which matters most at each point in time.

(You also look hard at boundaries, previous work habits often need adjusting. You list some very long working days for salaries that don’t necessarily merit them).

You’re both working crazy hours! Your baby isn’t even a year old! Illness aside, both of you working so much can’t be good for your DS. Ii think it’s time to re evaluate

It's awful when they first start because they're ill ALL the time. It does get better, but I'm talking months, not weeks.

If you've submitted an official request to amend your hours and they rejected it, what reasons did they give? If it's a genuine business case I'd probably start looking for another job with more flexibility. That's for both of you btw, I think it's really valuable for men to spend 121 time alone with their children. Or if you'd like another child with a small age gap, get a wiggle on to make use of this company's maternity leave, but at the same time have your DP look for another job.

Personally we've been pretty fortunate. DS goes to nursery 3 days per week. DP and I have a day off each and we look after him on different days.

DP managed to amend his hours to work 2 long days and 2 regular days which still totals to a full time job. He did have to commit to working every single Friday for all eternity because that's a day they struggle to fill on the rota.

I am using up my accrued annual leave to work 4 days per week. This means I don't get a chunk of holiday outside of Christmas. I go into the office on the day that DP is at home. I'm supposed to go in 2 days but no one has pulled me up on this yet and if they do I will go in on one of DP's short days but there's honestly no benefit to doing this, we still have all our meetings on video.

I was thinking about requesting to condense my hours into 10 over 9 or 5 over 4.5 (working 4 longer days then taking the gaff as AL) when my AL ran out, but then I found myself pregnant with baby #2 so that problem has been kicked into the long grass.

Your child’s father needs to adjust his career, it can’t be all on you . You’ve just had 10 months off - your employer will quite reasonably expect your husband to take time of now to cover sickness.

In my experience dropping to 4 days doesn’t really help with this issue if your work are generally inflexible. Let’s say you drop a Friday and your DS becomes unwell on a Tuesday. Would they let you swap your day off to Tuesday? But even if they did, you then wouldn’t have regular childcare on a Friday so who would look after your DS?

The main factor is whether or not your work are flexible. If they are, I have found working full time to be tricky but manageable. If they’re not, even doing 3 days a week can still be hard.

It’s incredibly hard.

The modern world is just not set up for working mothers. Yet the vast majority of households need two incomes to survive.

It’s hugely unfair.

I have no doubt my career has stalled / suffered since having kids. I work 4 days per week and I still find the juggling/logistics very difficult.

There is a reasonable amount of understanding and flexibility around childcare issues, which is why I am staying put for now. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect my career.

I can do my job, but opportunities are always given to male colleagues or younger colleagues without kids.

I don’t have an answer other than those first few years you kind of just have to power through, but in my experience you will always feel that you are not giving your best to work or your child.

This

We split our time so one of us is always working at home. That means one of us can step in if there's an emergency. We have no grandparents around or anyone else that can watch them during work hours. Ours are a bit older (6and 3). To be honest if they are ill we just plug them into a device or let them sleep it off whilst who ever is at home works. I'd only take leave if we needed to take them to hospital.

I feel quite lucky as I can work from home 2 - 3 days a week. So can my husband. I have a 70 minute commute though which makes working days Long. There's just no down time what so ever and I'm sort of resigned to that until they are older . Unless we come into some money and can get a nanny !

Definitely complain about your request to change your hours being turned down. Sounds pretty unreasonable for a company championed for flexibility !

Probably not what you want to hear, but look for another job thats more flexible, or can accommodate 2 days a week from home. Then your DC can stay with you 2 days, grandparents another 2 days and nursery for 1 day. Then if DC is poorly you only have to worry about the 1 day out of 5 to find care - which you and DH can alternate.

You could speak to HR and your line manager first and say that you're considering leaving due to inflexibility. If you're in a hard to replace role, chances are they will at least meet you halfway.

I don't know what your outgoings are like, but taking a bit of a pay cut to accommodate this would make you all so much happier than a annual holiday, newer car or nice clothing (sorry don't mean to be patronising, just mean that cutting income back income and making sacrifices on certain things would make you/anyone happier)

This, amongst other reasons, is why the birthrate is dropping dramatically. It's really not worth the hassle.

TBH I don't really think it's possible with two "big" jobs that require travel, maybe a nanny, but with a child in hospital I'd have no hesitation in just telling employer I won't be able to make the trip, whatever the job.

I think it’s really tough for the first couple of years but gets easier after that. Both parents need to be prepared to have time off when child is unwell. I would also have a look for jobs you can do as work from home, as I work hybrid and can at least normally cover urgent things from home with a sick child in tow.

I gave up my job. My child was always picking up bugs and my heart wasn’t really in it. Big regret. My partner progressed and made senior levels. Wished I kept my career going if only part time.

can I ask how you manage?
Barely....

I left my NHS job as they weren't at all understanding or helpful. It was so stressful when my dc picked up bugs. I had a period in a work from home admin job. It was very isolating and my manager wasn't nice. I then went to local government where I found them flexible and extremely kind. My health and that of my dc came first for once. I get my work done but they are supportive if I need time off, whether an hour or a day. I think it's worth changing employers to be honest and taking a pay cut if you can afford to. It means you can support your dc when they need you and life isn't needlessly stressful.

How are you and your little one OP?