Am I just being overly sensitive or am I dealing with an overbearing SIL?

[Yunni13]

My husband (31M) and I (29F) are due our first baby any day now and throughout my pregnancy, my sister-in-law (35F) has been seriously crossing my boundaries. For reference, my husband and his family are Chinese but him and SIL were both born in UK. Since we’ve been married, his parents have said things like “Does she know she needs to put our family first before anything?” and have made comments about my own family and upbringing. My SIL has also said things like “You are part of OUR family now”. I’ve not had much of an issue with comments like these as I just chalked it up to strict Asian culture, but since being pregnant - it’s been really bugging me.

Since we announced our pregnancy, his mum and sister have both been on my case about what I can/can’t eat, what I can/can’t do, how to sit, how to dress, the list goes on. As if I haven’t researched and read up everything myself. They both also said “Don’t buy her clothes and tell your mum and sisters not to because we’ll buy all her clothes.” when it is the first grandchild on my side of the family too! And would I not like to dress my own child?! They’ve nagged at me several times to just formula feed so they can help feed her too, when I’ve expressed that it’s important for me to breastfeed my baby. SIL even bought and gifted a bottle set to push it on me even after I’ve said no to formula.

Every time his sister has asked to hear what names we have in mind, she’s been highly opinionated “Ew! You can’t name her that!” “No that name is disgusting!” “You should name her ” and so on. Oh, she also said “What are we naming OUR baby?”. So I genuinely think she thinks it’s her baby. For reference, she’s never been in a relationship before and still lives with her parents, she and their parents believe she will never get married and have her own family so I can sympathise with her feeling like she’s living through us with this baby. She’s a primary school teaching assistant and has made comments like “Don’t make her princessy, make her more tomboy.” “She better be born before the Easter holidays so I can come over and spend time with her.” “I can’t wait until summer holidays now so I can come over everyday to spend time with my baby niece.” and has a lot of opinions on how we should raise our child because of her job. The other day at dinner, she was placing her hands all over my stomach whilst I was eating. I told her she’s not moving and I’m eating and she didn’t stop. I felt so uncomfortable and my husband laughed it off.

To top it off, she very recently put down a deposit for a flat round the corner from our house and my husband said to her she cannot come over unannounced to which she replied “I absolutely can and will.” I lost it and said to my husband I am not happy with the things she’s been saying and how she plans to come over “everyday” and he said just to ignore her and he will tell her when and if she comes over. I don’t have hope of this as his family has came over several times without a call or text and many times I’ve been in the house alone or sleeping and been woken up to them at the door. I understand he probably can’t see what the problem is as he is used to how overbearing his family is, but it is seriously making me upset and stressed out. I’m scared for when my baby is born as I feel like his family think they own her like they own me. I’m at my wits end and I don’t want to cause family drama, especially during such a special time of our baby arriving but I’m about to lose it! How do I deal with this best? Am I just being overly sensitive?

You need to set very firm boundaries now

Hands on bump? Ask her not to, physically take them off if needed

Given a bottle set? Hand back or donate to charity

Banned from buying clothes? Have yours in the wardrobe, donate extras to charity

You also have a massive DH problem here - he should be the one dealing with it, not you

Ultimately there is nothing they can do if the mother says “no” it’s no.

Jesus Christ OP! I’d be having a breakdown if I was having to deal with even half of this while pregnant.

Agree that you have a huge DH problem. You need to sit down and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that this is wildly unacceptable. And do this before the baby gets here. This is insanity. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Keep your doors locked. If she has a key then get the locks changed. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't make sure they stay away from you, you'll report them to the police for harassment.

That last sentence sounds ridiculous, I know - but it might be enough to shock him into dealing with this once and for all.

And absolutely do not answer the door if they continue to come over unannounced. It’s a gross invasion of privacy.

Why do you put your, your DH and your SIL sex and age but not your MIL's?

You need to tell your husband that he has to get his sister and mother to back the fuck off and leave the two of you alone. This is your baby, not theirs. They do not get to tell you what to do, no matter what the cultural differences are.

Put your foot down really hard now. Your DH needs to back you up on this.

If you have an ounce of sense you will pack a bag and move back in with your parents.
Tell your husband you will live with your parents until he sorts his family out.
If he doesn't, divorce him.
You have an utterly miserable future ahead of you with duch a husband and family.
They will get worse not better.
They will ruin your experience of motherhood.
Your husband is too weak to protect you.
Move back home asap.

Asian culture is totally different to British culture, I am of HK Chinese origin but born here. But they do seem over bearing. Respecting your elders is next level so that may be why he hasn’t said anything. My DH is white and his sister also never married or had children and she has attempted to interfere many times. I think you have a SIL issue there regardless of background. Will your DH want to give your child an English and a Chinese name?

My DH has struggled a little at times as have I with his more liberal approach My brother is the most senior member of the family now and takes control, my DH does not like it. Will depend on how traditional they are. You need to be polite but direct, the self deprecating English, hinting non direct way is not going to work here. It’s a bit of a culture clash. Do you know anything about Asian parenting styles? that may be your biggest clash with your DH in the future and most definitely your in laws.

This is Asian culture, but you don't have to put up with it and to a certain extent it doesn't sound as though your husband buys into it.

Do you want any relationship with your in laws? I really can't see them getting any better. I think I'd set very firm boundaries and be as rude as necessary to get them respected. Hopefully they will be respected then they can gave some sort of relationship with your daughter.

Also to be aware that they will never respect your wishes when you are not physically there so if you don't think they'd care for dd the way you would want you can't leave her in they care.

I’m sorry, I really think you need to set your boundaries now or it’s going to be horrendous when baby arrives

It doesn't matter what their culture is. The OP has her own culture, and is presumably living in the UK, and they need to respect her wishes.

I’m Chinese too but my mum is mixed and both my parents were born here in the UK so I totally understand the whole “respect your elders” thing but obviously as my parents and family are so westernised, there is still a massive culture clash. We plan to give her a Chinese name but his parents are adamant they will be naming her, which I don’t plan to argue with. You can understand why it’s difficult for either of us to speak up as his family are EXTREMELY traditional and as his sister is older, I feel like I can’t “cross” her without his parents saying I’m being disrespectful etc. My parents understand to an extent as their parents were from HK but obviously having been born and grown up here, they don’t agree with the Asian parenting styles and it’s certainly not how I’ve been brought up.

You need to deal with this ASAP, before the baby arrives.

100% I agree it’s more on him than it is on me, but I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t fully understand as he’s grown up with this so he can’t see the severity of it. Not sure how to word it to him so he knows I’m serious.

Your husband doesn't - or won't - understand the impact his family is having on you. Tell him that if he doesn't step up, you'll be moving in with your parents.

More specifically, your DH needs to deal with this before the baby arrives!

You need to learn how to deal with this before the baby is born.

overbearing family can ruin your newborn experience if you don’t learn to say no. Unleash the inner tiger mum - ‘no you can’t take the baby now as I’m about to feed her’, ‘no you can’t change her into another outfit because she isn’t a doll’ Etc. you need to be the matriarch here and your DH needs to understand that you are the most important mother when it comes to your child- not his mother!

“I’ll be moving in with my parents unless you sort this out”

Have you considered having your mum come to stay for the first couple of weeks (assuming she is not a problem as well!)?

Don't tell them any names until the baby is born and then just introduce the baby as We have had our baby and (s)he is called (name). Then they can say what they like but it is still the name.

Clothes if you like them say thanks If not say that's not really our style can you return them.

No I am breastfeeding.
No I am breastfeeding.
Repeat.

Just keep pushing back. Eventually they will stop.

Be 'disrespectful' if you need to be. The worst that will happen is that they flounce off.

Buy a ring doorbell and keep your doors locked all the time. If you insist that you want prior notice of visits and don't answer the door if they just turn up, they can camp on your doorstep or leave.

Try not to get too stressed about what may happen. It's lovely that so many people are excited about your baby. I definitely think your DH will need to have some difficult conversations with his family but don't let them bully you. Just laugh at them, then do what you want.

Nip this in the bud. Today.

You need to tell him that you will not tolerate this any further, that he needs to support you by telling them to back off, or your marriage is at risk. If he is in any way reluctant, then you face big problems with them in the future. He needs to know he risks losing you.

You are dealing with an overbearing SIL, MIL and useless DH.

I am sorry, I would absolutely hate this and you have a very small window to put some boundaries in place.

You need to have a serious talk with your DH and he needs to have your back. I would be tempted to stay with my parents, if nothing was improving. Early days with a newborn are tough and if people around you are not supportive you’ll be the one who will suffer.

Would it be an option to stay with your family?