Aibu - not your grief

[NoNameMum]

I learnt today of someone who I have several mutual friends with on social media had passed away following an accident. It was very tragic she was only in her early 30s, only been married an short while and had a toddler. Understandably people are very upset, but am I being unreasonable to get annoyed at all the “I only met xxx once 3 years ago but she seemed lovely” posts and people jumping on the bandwagon posting about her death. I can understand her actual friends doing this, but there seems to be a load of hangers on posting and trying to get attention for someone else’s grief. AIBU to think it’s not their grief and they should back off from someone else’s tragedy?

Two ways to view this. Death is very emotive even at a distance. It’s perfectly reasonable to be shocked by it happening near you, particularly if the person was young and it was shocking. People like to add their respects and say something nice about the deceased. You don’t have to have met them more than once, or even at all, to be genuinely upset by their passing.

The flip side is there are, absolutely, always grief grubbers. People who centre themselves, or make their show of grief unnecessarily large because they feed from the sympathy.

I think as long as you respect the first point it is not unreasonable to be upset at the second when they do genuinely present that way.

I think YABU. People normally post this stuff on social media to feel less alone. Those saying nice things are trying to help the poster feel less alone.
Also, even if you only met someone once 3 years ago, you can still feel and express grief/sadness.

I think comments like that are fine.

People crying their eyes out and making it about them, obviously not fine.

Radio silence would be awful for the poor woman’s family. People are trying to be kind by commenting.

YANBU. It's ghoulish tbh.

Commenting your respects on a post by family is absolutely fine. Making your own post about someone you barely knew is being a grief vulture. It is inviting people to view you as a grieving person who has had a loss, and will invite sympathies and comments and attention. It's just crass beyond belief honestly.

Save it for expressing condolences to the person's actual loved ones, attend the funeral by all means, if it's upset you talk about it privately with someone, and leave it at that.

I hate grief thieves with a passion, but I think this is a bit different.

It's not something I really thought about before, but late on last year an online friend of mine died, we spoke just about every day for a couple of years, and I was really sad. We hadn't met, but I would say we were friends and I miss her.

I think it's valid to express that you miss someone who you talk to online, even if you haven't met in person or only met once or twice.

As long as they aren't equating their loss to the families loss its OK imo.

YANBU, it's ghoulish attention seeking.

People can leave comments of condolence without making it about themselves.

YABU. A young person with a very small child has died. This is always a shock and upsetting even for folk who didn't know them well.

YANBU.

Making a post about someone you barely know is inviting people to view you as a person most affected by a tradegy when really it should be about their poor family and friends. Its attention seeking, main character, grief hoovering behaviour.

You can express condolences to a grieving family without making it about you in such a horrid, crass way.

Agreed, OP. DD lost a friend a few years ago and I NEVER posted anything on socials—I will not use the death of a child for my own dopamine hit for likes on social media.

People do crazy things, though. One of the children in the friendship group has parents who work for a local newspaper, and before any details were out/public, the newspaper parent published an interview with their own child, describing what kind of a friend the deceased child was, and how sad it was. I was livid on behalf of the grieving mother. It wasn’t the newspaper parent’s place to go public with the death to such a wide audience literally hours after it happened. Their child had been given personal insider info because their child was friends with the deceased child, and their first thought was to plaster it online on their work website.

I suppose it's the modern day equivalent of a condolence card.
I got a lot of those when my lovely husband died and, although I barely knew some of the folk who sent them, I did find a wee smidge of comfort from someone else saying they were "sorry" he had died and other kind words.
None of it helps at the time, but it is just someone else acknowledging the deceased's existence.

That's very, very different to this person's online friends expressing that she was a lovely woman.

am I being unreasonable to get annoyed at all the “I only met xxx once 3 years ago but she seemed lovely” posts and people jumping on the bandwagon posting about her death.

Where are they posting this to - her FB page? If so, how do you know?

They were also expressing what a lovely child this was, and how sad it was. But it was so crass to go public for work accolades, and so soon.

That’s what I’m thinking.

To be clear to others, I’m not talking about comments on family and friends posts posts, I’m talking about people making their own posts, even sharing photos of someone they’ve never met in person or only met once, when there are family and friends who are genuinely grieving.

Publishing a full on interview about the death of a child without the permission of the bereaved parents is in no way comparable to an online friend saying "I'll miss Sarah* She was such a lovely friend" on FB or wherever it is.

I think your “sneering” * at their comments is your own version of over involvement in a death showing, just differently.

Even if you don’t genuinely care, it’s still some level of shock and emotional reaction from unexpected tragic news

(* sneering isn’t quite the right word but can’t think of a better one to describe you overthinking a strangers show of support on social media)

I don’t mean commenting on another post, I mean making their own posts and stealing attention away from those genuinely grieving.

I know what you mean and it is very distasteful.
Let me make the death of someone I barely know all about me and my feelings. Give me hugz hun and attention.

Why does it bother you?

They are my Facebook friends. I’ve seen multiple posts from people.

Because they are posting as if they have suffered the loss. They haven’t. They met her once or in some cases “I never met her in person” They are not posting sympathies on the posts of family and friends they are making it about them to try and get sympathy.

its a bit ironic though, when people post about their Facebook friends being pathetic. Like, you’re the one who has pathetic friends, it’s not a great look for you either 🙈😭

So are they posting to their own pages?

That's strange. Usually, people post messages to the page of the person who died.

I agree posting to one's OWN page, "Alas, poor @Yorick, I didn't know him at all well (only met him the once)" is a bit strange.

It depends on the content and context. My cousin died Saturday. He was in his 50s we grew up like brothers. His wife posted, as did his sister, to tell friends/family and to express their grief.

However, a friend of his posted a picture of the two of them together. That friend was celebrating his birthday and the poignant fact he had outlived own father...but took time to remember my cousin.

I spoke to my cousin wife yesterday who was touched and moved by the tribute.

That said I haven't posted anything or replied to the posts because I don't want to make it look like it's about me. The wife and sister know how I feel and I was in touch throughout his illness. I don't need to tell the world how I feel. And I don't to be "oh look how sad I am"

It's like the post yesterday. Dh hadn't said anything on socials about mothers day...but had bought presents, flowers taken her out. Or the one the other week when the boyfriend hadn't posted about her birthday. You shouldn't live your life through social media.

I don't think you are being especially unreasonable but those comments are actually quite mild compared to some made by grief vultures, at least the person is openly admitting they only met the deceased once and aren't claiming they were BFFs for life.

It's a personal thing but I'm not particularly comfortable with putting everything online thought. Last week a friend of my parents passed away. Even though he wasn't someone I knew well, nor saw much of in recent years he was someone who had been around for my whole life and his death feels like the world has lost an institution.

I have sent a card to his children, will attend the funeral with my mum and pay my respects to a wonderful man but I don't see what would be to gain from plastering it over SM because as you say OP it's not my loss/grief.