Aibu - not your grief

[NoNameMum]

I learnt today of someone who I have several mutual friends with on social media had passed away following an accident. It was very tragic she was only in her early 30s, only been married an short while and had a toddler. Understandably people are very upset, but am I being unreasonable to get annoyed at all the “I only met xxx once 3 years ago but she seemed lovely” posts and people jumping on the bandwagon posting about her death. I can understand her actual friends doing this, but there seems to be a load of hangers on posting and trying to get attention for someone else’s grief. AIBU to think it’s not their grief and they should back off from someone else’s tragedy?

I get it, I lost a close friend last year very suddenly, there were a few of these posts knocking about. As close as we were I just couldn’t bring myself to post anything as it just didn’t sit right with me.

When I spoke to her family they made a few comments about these posts and that these people hardly knew her, one of them actively disliked her (think a bitchy school mum). I agree some people like to make tragedies about themselves. Some random even got a tattoo for her!

Grief and death is a funny thing! Especially when it suddenly and tragic.

YANBU, I do think people can overstep in these circumstances. It's one thing to comment on a post made by someone directly connected to the person who's passed away to express your condolences, but it's something quite different to make your own post.

At the start of the year, there was a sudden death of a young lady who was quite a prolific poster on some of the dog groups I follow (I think she may have very sadly taken her life). Lots of people were demanding regular updates to know how her dog was getting on, when it had been established early on that her parents were taking care of him. I think her cousin responded that the dog was being well taken care of and it was basically a shit situation for everyone involved and there was nothing new to report (no shit). Sometimes people don't engage their brains and think how their words could affect others. People were sharing the log in details to watch the funeral without establishing how people knew her, which I found a bit sketchy and in poor taste.

I think this is lovely. It is someone genuinely remembering their friendship and their time together with your cousin. Likewise it is your cousin and you should do whatever feels right for you.

As Jim Carey posted yesterday “I accidentally said happy Mother’s Day to my mum in person rather than posting a paragraph on social media”
Some people love the drama of posting everything on social media, but if you’re expressing condolence or appreciation for the recipient it is just as valid privately- it doesn’t need an audience and it definitely doesn’t need someone who has never met the person who died posting how devastated they are on social media.

By posting on their own FB pages they aren’t ‘stealing attention away’ from anyone. Attention isn’t rationed. I was very touched when people commented on the death of my parents and said something nice about them even if they’d never met either of them. It showed that they were valued and my loss was being recognised.

Someone who is grieving a close family or friend doesn’t give a toss about anyone stealing their attention or grief. What they do like is people saying nice things about the deceased person. I found it so comforting reading messages from people I had no idea had been touched in some little way by my family member. There’s not a limited amount of grief.

YANBU it’s utterly ghoulish

Exactly.
Sorry for your loss Choc X

Are they though?
Maybe they just think it’s sad.
I don’t post on FB but I can’t get worked up about this.