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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner’s comments about meeting parents

44 replies

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:21

Recently my partner has made comments that concern me.

as we are talking about kids within the next year or 2 (in our 30s) we need to get on with me meeting his parents. He knows and loves mine.

He said he’s worried they will be judgemental. I asked him to expand, he said because I own property/have money and have generational wealth his family will never have. Moreover, my parents have just inherited a small house through another inheritance.

The ‘wealth’ I have comes from compensation from a beloved grandparent, receiving for being a victim in the Irish Magdalene Laundries. I stated this is not the same as the sort of generational wealth he’s talking about. It is a complex feeling for me.

It actually sounds like HE is judging me and using his parents as a front. He’s said this worries him twice now and frankly if this is the case I need to know what they’re like before I contemplate having children with this man. AIBU?

fyi they said on the phone they would love to meet me so I feel like he’s making things up somewhat.

OP posts:

BrokenLine · 30/03/2025 23:28

How on earth will his parents know how money you have, or what property you have, unless he tells them? And no one, however under-informed, could think of the (paltry and delayed) Magdalen compensation as some kind of ‘inheritance’ in the usual sense, surely. It’s tragic that so many survivors didn’t get compensation early enough for it to make any substantial difference to their lives .

Endofyear · 30/03/2025 23:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:38

@BrokenLine He told them I own a property. I used some of my savings and the rest came from the inheritance.

I asked him if he told the circumstances, he said he did but to them it doesn’t really matter the circumstances of having the money, just the fact of having it.

I didn’t like that reply if I’m honest. He’s never raised this as a problem for him so why for them?

OP posts:

Original poster

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:38

And thank you, I agree about the survivors.

it’s hard to hear him talk like this as though I come from old money or something!

OP posts:

TeapotTitties · 30/03/2025 23:39

Blimey this is weird.

I've known my inlaws since I was 14 and they have no clue about my personal finances.

Original poster

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:42

I have to question why he told them if they thought it would lead to them judging me supposedly.

They have extended the invite to meet them, I sort of feel likes it’s all in his head but he does know them best I suppose.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2025 23:51

Tell him you'll take the judgement, you'd rather meet them and know. Then see what happens. I would put a time line on it and make it a deal breaker. You're not a dirty secret. You've done nothing wrong. This is about him or them.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/03/2025 23:58

This sounds like it’s his issue not theirs. He sounds jealous about the fact you have a house and he doesn’t. Weird behaviour. You’re right to be concerned about whether you should have children with this man. I’d be throwing this one back. There’s something very wrong here…

BobbyBiscuits · 31/03/2025 00:03

I wouldn't have bothered telling him anything about compensation or remuneration my family received. What difference does it makes to him, let alone his parents.
'they'll be judgemental' about what exactly? Unless he won't stop flapping his jaw about how much money your family may or may not have and why?
And what's wrong with the fact that one family may have had more money than another? You didn't choose them did you?

Red flag central there. And not from his parents.
He's clearly fiscally obsessed. I think you will regret bothering to have shared anything personal with him.

BillyILash · 31/03/2025 00:12

Hhhmmm I’m thinking he might be the issue here.

Although saying that my parents definitely took issue with my in-laws having money. And they automatically assumed that my DH had money and a better job than me ( they never had a clue about my life) and that was how we could afford even the most basic things they see as MC.

I don’t think you will ever know for sure, unless they don’t cover their feelings well. I’ve never told my in-laws about my parents, I didn’t see any point in upsetting them.

I wouldn’t let it stop you meeting them but I’d definitely reconsider your relationship.

Monty27 · 31/03/2025 00:27

Is he going to a victim sharing your wealth!
Omg I'd never heard of how crude a person could be.
Bin him.

Original poster

PrueD · 31/03/2025 00:31

He’s definitely not after my money!

I would just say we’re happy together and I’m bothered that he’s making a simple meet the parents into this.

he has long since been welcomed and loved by mine. He says my parents are much friendlier and easy going.

Does feel red flaggy although the rest is good.

OP posts:

MarkingBad · 31/03/2025 00:50

Some people cannot stand their partner being better off financially than they are, it becomes very divisive and often leads to a lot of problems that it really shouldn't do and it never really stops. They will sometimes use their family as a way to be judgemental about your circumstances themselves.

Since his family extended an invitation to you then they must want to meet you. This is a him problem not a you or his family problem, he's the one feeling left behind and he's using his family as an excuse.

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/03/2025 00:57

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You've misunderstood the OP..... which is quite something as it wasn't exactly hard to follow.

Wingedharpy · 31/03/2025 00:59

Is he maybe "ashamed" of his parents or their home?

notatinydancer · 31/03/2025 01:06

Wingedharpy · 31/03/2025 00:59

Is he maybe "ashamed" of his parents or their home?

Yes. Is he embarrassed by them for some reason?

Dweetfidilove · 31/03/2025 01:08

This is shaping up to be a very divisive issue. I hope you can sort it out before you start having children.

coxesorangepippin · 31/03/2025 01:45

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to dump him?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 31/03/2025 01:53

coxesorangepippin · 31/03/2025 01:45

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to dump him?

I disagree, I think that your in-laws not liking you leads to SO many problems in marriages.

From day to day issues to when kids come along... We see threads on here every day where people are fighting with their in-laws. If OP finds out her in-laws aren't going to like her and will judge her, it's reason enough to question the relationship.

Avoiding hardships down the road is the whole point of taking time to get to know each other before marriage.

And if the real issue is him being judgemental and insecure but blaming his family, then that is a huge red flag.

The fact that either he, or his parents would judge anyone on having money is pathetic, but with them knowing the reason why OP's family have it, it's even worse.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 31/03/2025 02:02

Sidenote: I thought the cap was 100k for the victims payouts, in which case it really isn't much money at all anyway.

Or do I have this totally wrong?

Original poster

PrueD · 31/03/2025 02:06

The main crux of the issue is that I was never able to have a normal or healthy relationship with my grandparent due to the serious mental scars left. Her sister even died due to it too.

So compensation is for all of those familial relationships done and the damage caused.

I really need him to understand this fully if we are to have a future. He seems to think this is generational wealth and yes I think he feels we’re not on an even keel.

OP posts:

Original poster

PrueD · 31/03/2025 02:07

And yes if they feel like judging me and taking a dislike I want to know asap before I continue further down the road.

OP posts:

TheHerboriste · 31/03/2025 02:40

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:38

@BrokenLine He told them I own a property. I used some of my savings and the rest came from the inheritance.

I asked him if he told the circumstances, he said he did but to them it doesn’t really matter the circumstances of having the money, just the fact of having it.

I didn’t like that reply if I’m honest. He’s never raised this as a problem for him so why for them?

Why the hell is he talking to them about your finances???

I’d say bin this insecure mommy’s boy and move on, sharpish.

autisticbookworm · 31/03/2025 02:57

I’d be annoyed he discussed my finances with his parents. my in-laws don’t no what savings we have now jointly never mind back before we combined finances.

LillyPJ · 31/03/2025 03:05

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

OP said he thought his parents would be judgemental about her, not the other way round.

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