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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner’s comments about meeting parents

44 replies

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:21

Recently my partner has made comments that concern me.

as we are talking about kids within the next year or 2 (in our 30s) we need to get on with me meeting his parents. He knows and loves mine.

He said he’s worried they will be judgemental. I asked him to expand, he said because I own property/have money and have generational wealth his family will never have. Moreover, my parents have just inherited a small house through another inheritance.

The ‘wealth’ I have comes from compensation from a beloved grandparent, receiving for being a victim in the Irish Magdalene Laundries. I stated this is not the same as the sort of generational wealth he’s talking about. It is a complex feeling for me.

It actually sounds like HE is judging me and using his parents as a front. He’s said this worries him twice now and frankly if this is the case I need to know what they’re like before I contemplate having children with this man. AIBU?

fyi they said on the phone they would love to meet me so I feel like he’s making things up somewhat.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 31/03/2025 03:11

Look: if you love and trust him you should e able to talk about this. None of us can say whether this is a serious red flag or not. Just be direct:

”Is it a problem for you that I have some property? If it is a problem for your parents then can you explain why it needs to be a problem in our relationship? Because if you can’t solve a simple, threshold, issue like introducing me to your parents then the relationship has to end. So can you pull your thumb out or what?”

Notsosure1 · 31/03/2025 03:15

PrueD · 30/03/2025 23:38

@BrokenLine He told them I own a property. I used some of my savings and the rest came from the inheritance.

I asked him if he told the circumstances, he said he did but to them it doesn’t really matter the circumstances of having the money, just the fact of having it.

I didn’t like that reply if I’m honest. He’s never raised this as a problem for him so why for them?

So he’s saying they’re just unreasonably jealous arseholes?

Catsandcannedbeans · 31/03/2025 03:30

Do you think maybe he might be feeling a bit self conscious about his parents/ family situation? My partner is from a more upper class family than me, and I was worried about him meeting some family members because they are definitely a bit rough. It could be a weird form of projection. Or maybe they are judgemental because you have more money than him and normally it’s the man who has more money? It’s definitely a weird comment and I think a lot of the time that means it’s related to an insecurity.

AluckyEllie · 31/03/2025 03:48

Sounds like he’s got a chip on his shoulder about you owning a house and him not. Why would he tell you his parents might think that, it makes me think it’s what he thinks- in a kind of school kid way ‘my mum doesn’t like you.’ My husband would never tell me his parents might not like certain things, especially before the first meeting- he’d probably just tell them to be on best behaviour and be ready to call them out!

Bigcat25 · 31/03/2025 04:08

It's very important you meet your potential inlaws. I wouldn't tolerate being stung along for too long.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/03/2025 04:18

I think the phrase when someone tells you who they are, believe them applies here. He is telling you that he comes from a family that will be hostile to you. As a PP has said, a partner’s family can have a significant impact on a relationship. At best you are setting yourself up for a future of having little to do with them and your future children dealing with underlying family conflict, if not full on drama.

They may well genuinely be looking forward to meeting you. Perhaps he knows they are looking forward to mocking you or pull you down a notch. Do you want to marry into that? Alternatively, he may be embarrassed by them and is either a snob or knows they are rotten, same question applies. If they are just different to your family, is he expecting you will look down on them? I’d find that insulting.

If it’s because he is embarrassed by you, then end it. If he doesn’t see you as an equal now, his feelings of superiority are likely to increase. But I doubt it is that as he is happy to accept your family’s hospitality.

For me, this would be a deal breaker unless it could be resolved in a way that left me with absolutely no doubt his family wouldn’t be a source of ongoing problems.

FaceBlindness · 31/03/2025 04:34

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/03/2025 23:58

This sounds like it’s his issue not theirs. He sounds jealous about the fact you have a house and he doesn’t. Weird behaviour. You’re right to be concerned about whether you should have children with this man. I’d be throwing this one back. There’s something very wrong here…

Exactly!!!!

He's jealous and feels insecure.

healthybychristmas · 31/03/2025 04:42

People's parents might not be problematic in the early days but if they aren't nice there is no chance of them becoming nicer in the future.

I don't like that guy's attitude. He should be saying "Your poor grandmother. You must make sure you protect that money to honour her."

newname642 · 31/03/2025 05:07

A few questions… how long have you been together? Do you live together (and if so did he move into your house)? And how far into your 30s are you?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/03/2025 06:04

@PrueD why would he even have brought up the fact that you own a property?? that itself is worrying about him, not his parents! he should have said nothing about your assets!

Eviebeans · 31/03/2025 06:13

MarkingBad · 31/03/2025 00:50

Some people cannot stand their partner being better off financially than they are, it becomes very divisive and often leads to a lot of problems that it really shouldn't do and it never really stops. They will sometimes use their family as a way to be judgemental about your circumstances themselves.

Since his family extended an invitation to you then they must want to meet you. This is a him problem not a you or his family problem, he's the one feeling left behind and he's using his family as an excuse.

Totally agree with this

I also think he might be more interested in your finances than you’d like to think

How long have you been together without meeting his parents

Beesandhoney123 · 31/03/2025 06:16

The longer he delays meeting parents the longer imo he is delaying moving the relationship on.

He talks about you to them - they clearly have lots of questions he has answered for you. How do you know they want to meet you? Have you heard them yourself?

Where do they live? Doesn't he see them much? If he sees them a lot, then why is he keeping you apart?

If I were you, I would want to chat with his oldest friends. And he wouldn't be invited to my parents' house anymore.

Endofyear · 31/03/2025 08:36

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/03/2025 00:57

You've misunderstood the OP..... which is quite something as it wasn't exactly hard to follow.

Show quote history

I misread the post - just tired after a long day! I've asked for it to be removed.

Mischance · 31/03/2025 08:42

So - you have some family money and he does not, and this is a reason for him to not want you to meet his family!?

Mad or what? It does not make one tiny whit of sense at all.

There must surely be some other reason he does not want you to meet them. Whatever it is it does not bode well for the future, especially if you plan children together when extended family becomes more relevant.

gannett · 31/03/2025 08:43

This seems more like a communication issue to me, in that you're continuing the conversation with us instead of him.

He told you something that was worrying him. It sounds quite irrational to me, but the thing with class/money divisions is that your feelings aren't always rational. You didn't think what he said was fair, and you have your own complicated feelings about it all - that's totally reasonable. You should be telling him what you told us. It's a conversation where the two of you get to open up about your worries and possibly-irrational feelings and work it out together as a couple. That's what couples do. What he said was the start of a conversation - you have to continue it.

Butchyrestingface · 31/03/2025 08:50

PrueD · 31/03/2025 02:06

The main crux of the issue is that I was never able to have a normal or healthy relationship with my grandparent due to the serious mental scars left. Her sister even died due to it too.

So compensation is for all of those familial relationships done and the damage caused.

I really need him to understand this fully if we are to have a future. He seems to think this is generational wealth and yes I think he feels we’re not on an even keel.

I don’t know about his parents but I don’t think he sounds like a prize.

Does he (and his parents) GRUDGE you this money?

GoAwayNow7 · 31/03/2025 09:07

Don’t make the mistake of thinking he has no interest in your finances because he’s very interested indeed. So much so he’s telling his parents your private financial information and he’s probably told others. This would be over the line for me personally.

He has set it up so you feel uncomfortable meeting his parents. I agree with a pp it feels a bit my mum doesn’t like you.

bevm72yellow · 31/03/2025 09:51

Your " wealth" is not the business of his parents to know. He can share about what type of job you do but anything else is private. He should not be running everything past his parents as an adult unless it is e.g. gambling, drinking or corrupt gains. Your wealth makes him uneasy or gives you advantage over him in some way which is an uneven playing field. Your decisions will be different with wealth on your side ....e.g. share of house ownership, where you will live, his presentation in front of his friends without wealth ( asset wealth)

Original poster

PrueD · 31/03/2025 11:46

I agree he’s been running his mouth and it’s off putting.

Will he tell him every single detail about us?

OP posts:

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