I don’t enjoy motherhood

[SDEEE]

Basically what the title says… I was desperate to be a mum and gave birth to my DS in March last year. From the moment he was placed on my chest I felt nothing. I’ve suffered with PND and can honestly say everyday has been such a struggle. I’m still grieving what I thought motherhood would be and how I thought I would feel for my son. I thought I was so maternal and expected to have such a strong bond with him but I just don’t feel it. I thought by now that things would have improved but I just feel like there’s no hope. I so desperately miss my old life and feel so guilty for even thinking this. I hate to say that most days I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I feel like the worst mother in the world and always do everything in my power to show him love and attention, no matter how false it feels to me. Please tell me it gets better? I feel completely heartbroken and can’t understand why it looks so different for everyone else.

Have you been to your doctor and explained how you are feeling?
You sound depressed to me and I think medication would help you enormously x

Yeah I’m under perinatal and on antidepressants. Sometimes I question whether I’m actually depressed or whether this is just how I genuinely feel x

I didn't feel a bond with my son for over a year. Huge PND hit me and I wasn't able to feel it. Be easy on yourself and take each day as it comes.

i think people need to stop paining motherhood as this wonderous thing. it isn't.

Yes, there are absolutely moments of love and joy, and pride in your children, and moments of fun and laughter, but they're are overwhelmingly outweighed by the hard moment, especially the first 3 years when you're trying to learn parenting and enduring an awful lack of sleep.

It's normal to find it difficult, it IS difficult. Its normal to think its hard work, it IS hard work.

It's normal to miss your old life...

I will say this.. you have to forget the old life, and forge a new one for yourself as the person you are now, and until you can make that switch, you'll make it harder for yourself... and yes, that is easier said than done, but once you do, it makes things much easier.

Honestly … neither do I a lot of the time.

When I had my DS (he is now four) it was a very difficult and unpleasant experience and the lack of sleep after a difficult birth nearly destroyed me.

I did go on to have another baby two and a half years later and it was night and day … it was a bit like ‘oh so this is what it’s meant to be like.’

I can’t say it magically becomes OK; it doesn’t, but as they grow it does become easier. The sleep gets better, they can entertain themselves more, you get breaks. It’s OK to mourn your old life.

My problem is I love my children so very much but I do get easily overwhelmed by their sheer neediness of noise and mess and demands and some days I’m super calm and ‘right, okay, yes, you want your sisters toy but why don’t we do this instead as she’s playing with it?’ Other days I’m ’DS I HAVE TOLD YOU TO STOP TAKING HER TOYS!’

Theres a massive turning point every six months with children so young. Eighteen months will be a lot easier; two easier still, it does honestly get much better.

As someone once said to me - motherhood torpedoes your life. It takes time to build it up again in a new form.

Your child is still very young. Mine are now 10 and 6 and I promise you, it's so, so much better. Hang in there.

Keep going. I felt like you. I promise it gets better. My child is now 7 and we have a lovely bond. I had the best card this morning, he wrote it all himself and I felt incredibly lucky. I don't think he realises how detached I felt at the beginning which I'm grateful for. I'd say things began improving after a few years. I tried antidepressants, but going on a meditation course is what really helped me in the end.

It gets better, fake it til you make it. Thinking of you x

I do think a lot of pressure is put on mum's to suddenly 'feel love', it is described in such an intense way.
I had that intense feeling of love with my first. My second, I did not. I had PND. So I knew my feelings weren't quite right. It was so hard.
However I knew with my second that the thought of harm ever coming to the. upset me to the same standard as my son. In time that love has grown, as I have been able to work through my own stuff. I love both my children now beyond words, still going through it with the mental health stuff, but couldn't imagine my life without with of them. Youngest will be 3 in April.
I know it is hard, parenting is not easy. Start writing down the small wins you have everyday. It could be that smile little one shows you, the cuddle, falling asleep, a new word they say, having the time for a hot cup of tea, him playing independently for a minute or two. Start with the small wins, because there will be many, however our brains are trained for fight or flight so we look for the bad before the good.
Well done for reaching out of help. Things will get better. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

It is hard, your life’s changed beyond recognition. You’ve changed beyond recognition, physically and emotionally. You’ll feel like the world sees you differently now your a mum.
it’s hard when you expected it to be one way and it’s another. Expectation does not match reality for many.

i didn’t find my feet until well after 1, definitely a case of fake it until i made it. Things got easier when dd started walking and we found our feet getting out and about (not play groups, I never got on with them!), parks and nature was our saviour.

I’m coming out the otherside with teens and it’s yet another switch in my life to being me (although I’m not sure who that is now!)

talk to your doctor if you feel it’s bigger, @WinterBones is right that this is your new life. You need to find your feet with it.

Hugs OP. When I had DS1 I was convinced I had ruined my life. 5 years on I can say I hadn’t. It’s okay now. I still wistfully think what DH and I would be doing if we didn’t have DC. But it’s nothing more than a fleeting thought where as it totally consumed me for the first year. Babies and toddlers are often extremely hard, boring work for little payback. There are some wonderful moments and seeing them develop is amazing, but goodness me it is hard, hard work, Older kids are still hard work but you get more back from them and it isn’t as all consuming. Hang on in there, you’re got through the first year which is a huge achievement.

Are you/have you gone back to work?

You’re still in the brutal stage, the first year is like a bulldozer to everything that was normal before. Are you on medication? Have you had counselling?

For me, PND eased when I started taking time for me. I felt so lost in motherhood and I was frustrated at my husband and how his life hadn’t changed. I realised I was waiting to be given or offered time for me, and that wasn’t enough I was so burnt out. I joined the gym and went unapologetically, even if meant my husband did bedtime alone or got up early with the baby. It helped me feel more like ME which helped me show up and feel more connected to my kids because I wasn’t resentful.

I hate the way motherhood is sold as this thing that kicks in at birth and you fall in love instantly. Even worse, when pregnant women claim to be in love with the baby who's still in utero.

I was lucky not to have PND, but I didn't feel that rush of love for about six weeks. And even that made me feel (unreasonable) guilty. So given that you do have depression, please be gentle on yourself. Listen to those who've been in your situation, and try to relax a little if you can. There's lots time yet.

How is your partner with the baby? Does he know how you feel?

I have an 11 and 3 years old and my god do I regret going back to the baby and toddler years when I was out of them. I don’t regret my son, I love him very much but he is hard work and I do often find myself fantasising about life without them.

Being a parent is hard work, it can be overwhelming and difficult. The early years are the hardest - finding your feet in what you're doing, dealing with a small human that needs you constantly, having no to time to yourself, juggling work/home life and all on zero to minimum sleep. Missing your pre-child life is normal, especially when you've had a particularly hard day and no sleep. Emotions are always worse when we're exhausted. Unfortunately, parenthood is rarely what we imagine it will be. I have said to many a person over the years, when a first time parent tells me they're expecting a baby - it doesn't matter how many nieces/nephews/siblings you may have or have baby sat over the years, nothing can prepare you for parenthood - and I standby that statement. It's a huge shock! Have you considered having some therapy to talk through your feelings? Have you got family support, so that you can have a break? It's easier said than done, but you need to take time for yourself, so if you have support take it. I can say, that as your child becomes older, it does get easier. Life won't feel so overwhelming. Hang in there.

It will get easier and your old life will come back.

I love my children to death and can’t imagine my life without them but I hate being a mum.

i know people that absolutely love it but I’m not one of them unfortunately.

its not how I ever expected to feel, you are not alone x

You’re still in the trenches, regardless of PND. I suffered with it too, started taking antidepressants when she was a year old and I don’t think I started feeling a real, true bond until she was around 2.

She’s almost 3 now, and the light of my life. I really enjoy spending time with her. Don’t get me wrong, really bloody hard still BUT not as hard as those first 2 years.

Keep going, you’re a great mum x

Hey OP,
The first couple of years are very hard but also very worth it in the long run.
From 3 onwards is when I'd say it really flips the table as they are usually potty trained, able to tell you what they need, able to play on their own a lot more, etc. My last child is 13 months and I'm counting the days til she gets there ! But my older two kids (6 and 4) are already a lot of fun to be around, we play board games, visit museums, etc. If I could give birth to a 3yo that'd be lovely 😂

Keep going.

Funnily enough it was only having DS2 that made sense of the whole thing. I can't believe we had him really given how hard we had found going from 0-1. Those days I was hanging on by the tips of my fingers.

A lot of mums feel the same. Do you have a Home Start? Don't feel any shame I'm contacting charities designed to help mums of small children.

Also, weirdly lockdown was a beautiful time for me and DS1, going into our bubble, being outside and walking a lot, making a new routine and life.

I honestly felt the same until my child was around 18m - once she started to walk and communicate it all felt so much better. I remember just feeling numb for the first year and a bit. I really didn’t like being a mum and used to mourn my old self so much despite having a wonderful husband and lots of support. Whenever I got a break (which was quite a bit), I’d just dread having to go back to being a mum which seemed so different to friends who couldn’t wait to see their DC again.

Now, she is nearly 3 and the love of my life. We are so close and I actually want to spend time with her. I sometimes just watch her playing and chatting away to herself and think how lucky I am. I’m not in a hurry to have more because I truly hated the beginning.

Don’t feel bad. I think there are so many kinds of “normal” when it comes to parenting. Being a mum is bloody hard and relentless. You’re the best mum you can be right now and the feelings you have will change as you start to get more from your DC.

What a fantastic, realistic, non judgemental post. I can relate to everything here. OP; I thought I was basically put on the planet to be Mother Earth. I actually felt like Mother Death for the first few years. 25 years later I have two wonderful, well rounded adult children and I enjoy their company like no other human beings. One day you will be here, I promise.

I agree about seeing a doctor. I found SSRI antidepressants a godsend when I was depressed. They might give you the lift you need. Beyond this, I think you need to treat it as a job. The most important thing is that you give your child the love and affection they need.

Thank you so so much to you all for normalising what I’m feeling. I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that other people have felt the same. I feel as though all I see everyday is mothers loving parenthood and having such a strong bond with their children and I’ve just felt like an outsider looking in. I feel a huge sense of sadness that this has been my story when I imagined it to be so different. But I’ve taken great comfort in reading all your comments so thank you all so much x

I think this different for everyone and for the vast, vast majority of women that love kicks in over time. Dont beat yourself over it not being an immediate thing you cannot help how you feel. Those early weeks and months it felt like I had been hit by a bulldozer and it took me a long time to settle fully into mother hood.

Do you have any childcare? Can he start nursery etc? You can’t pour from an empty cup.

it does get better. School is easier and there is fun stuff ahead like parties, nativity plays etc