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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t enjoy motherhood

39 replies

SDEEE · 30/03/2025 20:55

Basically what the title says… I was desperate to be a mum and gave birth to my DS in March last year. From the moment he was placed on my chest I felt nothing. I’ve suffered with PND and can honestly say everyday has been such a struggle. I’m still grieving what I thought motherhood would be and how I thought I would feel for my son. I thought I was so maternal and expected to have such a strong bond with him but I just don’t feel it. I thought by now that things would have improved but I just feel like there’s no hope. I so desperately miss my old life and feel so guilty for even thinking this. I hate to say that most days I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I feel like the worst mother in the world and always do everything in my power to show him love and attention, no matter how false it feels to me. Please tell me it gets better? I feel completely heartbroken and can’t understand why it looks so different for everyone else.

OP posts:

JeSuisMe · 31/03/2025 17:05

If you ever want any other peer support, the PANDAS charity offers some great services:
Support services: pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/
Free therapy programme: https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/pandas-therapy-programme/
Toolkit for speaking to your GP: https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/i-need-help-download/

How we can support you – PANDAS Foundation UK

https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

notatinydancer · 31/03/2025 17:09

I feel for you. Motherhood is not for everyone, it’s supposed to be all lovely.
I wish I hadn’t had kids.
I wish I’d left mine with their father.
It’s taboo to say so though.
All mothers are supposed to be pagans of course they’re not.

skipdiddyskip · 31/03/2025 17:14

Parenthood/ motherhood can be: boring, annoying, frustrating, fatiguing, exhausting, gross, lonely… I could go on.

But I too had no idea I would feel these things until I had dd. It’s nowhere near as severe as what you’re feeling but there are days when I think “man, life used to be so good”.

It will be again. He won’t need you forever like he does now and that’ll make things easier to deal with.

QuickPeachPoet · 31/03/2025 17:16

Are you working OP? That would be a good place to start. Reclaim some identity and feel like you.
Also what is your support network?

Gogogo12345 · 31/03/2025 17:16

takeoneback · 30/03/2025 21:09

Honestly … neither do I a lot of the time.

When I had my DS (he is now four) it was a very difficult and unpleasant experience and the lack of sleep after a difficult birth nearly destroyed me.

I did go on to have another baby two and a half years later and it was night and day … it was a bit like ‘oh so this is what it’s meant to be like.’

I can’t say it magically becomes OK; it doesn’t, but as they grow it does become easier. The sleep gets better, they can entertain themselves more, you get breaks. It’s OK to mourn your old life.

My problem is I love my children so very much but I do get easily overwhelmed by their sheer neediness of noise and mess and demands and some days I’m super calm and ‘right, okay, yes, you want your sisters toy but why don’t we do this instead as she’s playing with it?’ Other days I’m ’DS I HAVE TOLD YOU TO STOP TAKING HER TOYS!’

Theres a massive turning point every six months with children so young. Eighteen months will be a lot easier; two easier still, it does honestly get much better.

Why did you have a 2nd baby if you weren't enjoying the experience of having the first one? Doesn't make sense

Gogogo12345 · 31/03/2025 17:21

Newgirls · 31/03/2025 17:04

Do you have any childcare? Can he start nursery etc? You can’t pour from an empty cup.

it does get better. School is easier and there is fun stuff ahead like parties, nativity plays etc

Fun things like kids parties and nativity? Sounds like hell on earth to me. Whatever floats your boat lol

Turquoisesea · 31/03/2025 17:25

I remember vividly talking with a childless friend who had asked what motherhood was like when I had my DS and I remember wanting to say to her it was genuinely the worst time of my life. My other friend was there who had also just had a baby and she was talking about how wonderful it was and I just didn’t recognise her description of motherhood at all! My DS is 20 now and believe me it gets so much easier and I wouldn’t swap him or DD now for the world but those early months / first year or so were awful and relentless and I remember thinking what had I done and I just wanted my old life back. It does get better I promise even though it might not feel like that right now.

DaisyChain505 · 31/03/2025 17:25

Well done for talking about this and make sure you continue to do so.

It is such early days in your journey of motherhood and it can take a while for hormones to settle and for you to adjust to your new life. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

You are probably being harder on yourself than some others as you wanted this for so long and now might feel some aspect of guilt for not “appreciating it” and that is 100000% normal.

Just because you wanted something badly doesn’t mean you can’t still find it tough. The two can exist together.

barbiegirl881 · 31/03/2025 17:34

Pengu1n1990 · 30/03/2025 23:05

I honestly felt the same until my child was around 18m - once she started to walk and communicate it all felt so much better. I remember just feeling numb for the first year and a bit. I really didn’t like being a mum and used to mourn my old self so much despite having a wonderful husband and lots of support. Whenever I got a break (which was quite a bit), I’d just dread having to go back to being a mum which seemed so different to friends who couldn’t wait to see their DC again.

Now, she is nearly 3 and the love of my life. We are so close and I actually want to spend time with her. I sometimes just watch her playing and chatting away to herself and think how lucky I am. I’m not in a hurry to have more because I truly hated the beginning.

Don’t feel bad. I think there are so many kinds of “normal” when it comes to parenting. Being a mum is bloody hard and relentless. You’re the best mum you can be right now and the feelings you have will change as you start to get more from your DC.

Literally could have written this. My daughter is about to turn 2 and I think up until 18 months ish I felt numb, so sad, and like I ruined my life. Now I’m totally obsessed with her, love spending time with her and considering having another (all a trick of nature!)
Hang in there.

notatinydancer · 31/03/2025 17:55

BlondeMummyto1 · 30/03/2025 21:32

It will get easier and your old life will come back.

It will get physically easier. You can never get your old life back. You can’t become child free.

Freshflower · 31/03/2025 18:02

You sound like a beautiful and brilliant mummy. You have been through a massive life changing experience and your mental health has suffered. You are doing the best you can. Motherhood is very hard work. Even the parents that seem to have a great bond , you are seeing a tiny moment in their day. People would see me out and think what a lovely mummy but inside I feel I'm falling apart most days. I love my children but I do have moments when I wish I was single and free with no responsibility . Some days are depressingly difficult. Please look after yourself, do lots of things for yourself, self care and self love. You've got this , you will see light at the end of the tunnel

Original poster

SDEEE · 31/03/2025 19:23

I’m really lucky in that I actually have such an amazing support network through family. He does 3 half sessions of nursery a week so that I can catch up on rest as he still wakes around 4/5 times a night. I don’t know how I would get through without the support that we have. But that also makes me feel more guilty and worse about myself because I know there are so many parents out there who do it without the support that we have. I just feel like a bit of a failure!

OP posts:

sciaticafanatica · 31/03/2025 20:29

Honestly I did not enjoy birth to 5 at all!
it was draining, boring, tedious & exhausting.
it does get easier though.
find the joy when you can.
The days are long but the years are short ( as the saying goes)
Just don’t be hard on yourself

Newgirls · 31/03/2025 22:46

If he’s waking up so much at night of course you feel fed up. That will improve and by teens they won’t get up! When you get more rest you will feel more like your old self

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