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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that ghosting a friend just alienates them and causes unnecessary hurt?

43 replies

ByHonestDog · 30/03/2025 15:04

I’ve seen this happen a lot - people who, instead of addressing an issue directly, just stop talking to their friends and go completely silent. No explanation, no proper conversation, just radio silence. It feels like such an immature way to handle conflict and all it really does is leave the other person confused, hurt, and unsure of what even happened.

If you’ve ever ghosted a friend, what did it actually achieve? Did it make you feel better? Did it solve the issue? Or did it just push someone away who might have cared about you?

AIBU to think that this kind of avoidance only leads to more damage in friendships?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 30/03/2025 15:16

I think that in the majority of cases, people who believe they have been ghosted by a friend largely haven’t been, and are usually just not quite ready to acknowledge their part in the series of events which led to the decision their friend took to cut contact and let the friendship go. There will have been fallings out, disagreements, occasions where one or both of you have expressed upset or offence or disappointment with the other. By the time the “ghosting” happens, the person doing it has usually simply run out of steam and can’t see a way to move forwards with the friendship. They’re usually also quite sad about it: the idea that they just breezily cast a friend aside is often inaccurate.

I’ve been on both sides of a suddenly ending friendship, and I feel fortunate that I could accept when a good friend just went silent that it wasn’t, actually, “just going silent” at all but the culmination of the realisation that neither of us were making the other happy anymore.

araiwa · 30/03/2025 15:17

People aren't doing it for fun

It's usually the final stage

Enigma53 · 30/03/2025 15:28

I have ghosted a friend, someone I’ve known all my life. I was diagnosed with two cancers in 2023 and again in 2024. Admittedly I was furious and angry. But friend just couldn’t be supportive. She would ask how I was, I would tell the truth and each time, she would reply “ oh dear, poor you”

We are talking full hysterectomy for sarcoma, secondary breast cancer diagnosis and more recently, a new pelvic cancer. Not to mention menopause and chemo!

It was almost like she wanted confirmation that I was alive, so she could then confidently talk about past and future holidays and how lovely her life is. So, I ghosted her.

She messaged me this week, remarking on the fact that I’ve “ distanced “ myself and she wanted “ to check in” Well excuse me, whilst I’ve been trying to get through each fucking day of this frankly, hideous nightmare!!

I’m too angry to reply to her, so she remains ghosted.

pinkdelight · 30/03/2025 15:34

Not sure what you mean by alienates them. In a ghosting situation, why would the ghoster care that the ghostee is alienated? They don’t want contact with them anyway so if the ghosted party is alienated against them that’s fine.

beyond that I agree with others that ghosting is often the only option when other attempts to address the issues haven’t worked. Or it’s known that the person wouldn’t react well to a more direct way of dealing with it.

simpledeer · 30/03/2025 15:39

I’ve ghosted someone who was draining the life from me. Her conversation was just shite drivel about herself in minute detail or about people I had no knowledge of or interest in. She never asked me anything about myself.

Eventually I decided I couldn’t put myself through one more meet-up, and I knew she wouldn’t change, as another friend had recently dumped her for similar behaviour.

Yes, it pushed her away, which is what I wanted. No, she didn’t care about me. The damage to our friendship had already been done, by her.

TulipTiptoer · 30/03/2025 15:43

Me and a friend of many many decades are, at the moment, probably ghosting each other. I am hoping I never hear from her again. Ever. But if she should contact me, I have drafted exactly what I want to say to her.
The only drawback is, my other close friend who I am in contact with all the time, was friendly with her too, and is a bit torn, but is totally on my side about it all.
I am sad it's all come to this, but ghosted friend treated me absolutely appallingly at one point and I don't want anything to do with her anymore (or her husband)

So ... in answer to the OP... double ghosting seems to be working here! Long may it continue.

Butchyrestingface · 30/03/2025 15:45

To think that ghosting a friend just alienates them and causes unnecessary hurt?

Well, I think the whole point of the ghosting IS to alienate them - to the extent that attempts to contact the ghoster cease, either permanently or temporarily.

Many years ago, my friendship with what was probably my best friend ended in a more direct way - eg, I told them things they didn't want to hear. With the benefit of age and hindsight, I tend to think that simply going MIA on them might actually have been the kinder route and probably wouldn't have led to her still walking past me with her nose in the air 20 years hence.

talkingheadz · 30/03/2025 15:47

When I ghosted a friend it was because they caused me unnecessary hurt and I know that if I had tried to talk to them about it, it would have just caused me further upset and also would have been unlikely to change their behaviour / attitude anyway.
I imagine this is not always but quite often the case.

Coconutter24 · 30/03/2025 15:47

AIBU to think that this kind of avoidance only leads to more damage in friendships?

but surely if one part of the friendship decides to ghost the other then the friendship is damaged anyway.

PluckyBamboo · 30/03/2025 15:50

I've only ghosted people during lockdown when the penny dropped that I was the only one putting in any effort. I stopped messaging and decided to give it 6 months and if I never heard from them again, I deleted our chat history & their number and mentally offloaded them as a friend.

Funnily enough only 1 of the 3 people ever did contact me again about a year later and launched into telling me what they had been up to as they only ever talked about themselves 🙄

TokyoKyoto · 30/03/2025 15:54

I ghosted a friend who I didn't want to spend time with, so alienating her was kind of fine. In a literal sense, it's the point of ghosting someone: you don't want them in your life.
She was someone who didn't ever try to support her friends, yet needed a lot of support. I was checking in on her over the first lockdown in 2020 as she lived alone. You know, like a friend would. Something random came up in my life that I needed a kind word for (no action - just a kind word) and she didn't bother. I think it was the pandemic that sort of focused it for me, because this had happened a few times and I'd let it slide, as she was alone and used to thinking of herself I suppose. I just felt, you don't even know how to be a friend.
It's not exactly something you can talk over. She's not obliged to be a better friend. Yes it would be nice but if I asked her for it, I'd be putting an obligation on her that is unfair. I felt I'd made a mistake in spending time with her. So I stopped. She noticed, and assumed I was upset about something else. I couldn't be bothered to put her right. It was a failed friendship.

Titasaducksarse · 30/03/2025 16:02

Yes, my friend of 18 years did this after I said I'd been unhappy about something. I left it a few weeks then made contact...they tried to excuse the silence saying they didn't think I wanted contact ! Totally diverting the issue.

Thisissuss · 30/03/2025 16:06

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/03/2025 15:16

I think that in the majority of cases, people who believe they have been ghosted by a friend largely haven’t been, and are usually just not quite ready to acknowledge their part in the series of events which led to the decision their friend took to cut contact and let the friendship go. There will have been fallings out, disagreements, occasions where one or both of you have expressed upset or offence or disappointment with the other. By the time the “ghosting” happens, the person doing it has usually simply run out of steam and can’t see a way to move forwards with the friendship. They’re usually also quite sad about it: the idea that they just breezily cast a friend aside is often inaccurate.

I’ve been on both sides of a suddenly ending friendship, and I feel fortunate that I could accept when a good friend just went silent that it wasn’t, actually, “just going silent” at all but the culmination of the realisation that neither of us were making the other happy anymore.

Edited

This is what I think too. Some people simply do not listen or want to hear any complaint about their behaviour and ignore anything being said they don't want to address. One of the people I don't speak to could not apologise for being incredibly rude to me, despite expecting that from people who did far less to her. I made it clear that is all I needed and I'd just put it down to a blip. Nothing. I could see this as her actually ghosting me but tbh it is her choice to be very clear she does not believe she needs to apologise so I am not considered the friend I thought I was. I assume that she is telling everyone I ghosted her but I really don't ask any more.

TulipTiptoer · 30/03/2025 16:06

talkingheadz · 30/03/2025 15:47

When I ghosted a friend it was because they caused me unnecessary hurt and I know that if I had tried to talk to them about it, it would have just caused me further upset and also would have been unlikely to change their behaviour / attitude anyway.
I imagine this is not always but quite often the case.

Yes, agree with this.

In my case, I don't think the friend would ever think she has done wrong, but she has, a lot. Very hurtful stuff
I've gone very quiet on her, she's gone quiet on me and long may that continue. No natural ending as such, just nothing.

Blarn · 30/03/2025 16:11

I did to a friend. She had a series of incredibly tough things going on and I supported her a lot. She seemed to expect me to always be available, got really annoyed if my plans ever had to change, ignored all the times I had changed things to visit her. Her constant negative thinking was starting to get to me but I ignored it due to the tough times. But when I had a change I employment She went on about how I'd drop contact with her - I had no intention of doing that at all but once I changed jobs all her replies to my messages were short and grumpy and I got the feeling she would rather be right about me stopping contact than happy. So I thought fuck her and never texted her again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/03/2025 16:20

"AIBU to think that this kind of avoidance only leads to more damage in friendships?"
Can you honestly not see that when someone resorts to ghosting, they consider the friendship to already be damaged beyond repair?

Is this what your post is really about, OP? Have you been ghosted and don't feel able to acknowledge why?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/03/2025 16:34

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/03/2025 15:16

I think that in the majority of cases, people who believe they have been ghosted by a friend largely haven’t been, and are usually just not quite ready to acknowledge their part in the series of events which led to the decision their friend took to cut contact and let the friendship go. There will have been fallings out, disagreements, occasions where one or both of you have expressed upset or offence or disappointment with the other. By the time the “ghosting” happens, the person doing it has usually simply run out of steam and can’t see a way to move forwards with the friendship. They’re usually also quite sad about it: the idea that they just breezily cast a friend aside is often inaccurate.

I’ve been on both sides of a suddenly ending friendship, and I feel fortunate that I could accept when a good friend just went silent that it wasn’t, actually, “just going silent” at all but the culmination of the realisation that neither of us were making the other happy anymore.

Edited

First comment nails it, as usual.

Truetoself · 30/03/2025 17:03

I have done this because I concluded there is no way my friend would understand things from my perspective as I had previously tried and couldn’t persuade them. So it was better to withdraw from the friendship as it was no longer making me happy

Swirlythingy2025 · 30/03/2025 17:15

this "people who, instead of addressing an issue directly, just stop talking to their friends and go completely silent. No explanation, no proper conversation, just radio silence. "

basically happened to me i asked permission to text, wattsapp etc then after a while ......... no reason or anything.

the theory was from other people is that they fell in love but didnt want to accept their feelings due to already being in another relationship

Haribo30 · 30/03/2025 17:17

Ghosting usually happens when the limit has been reached, it’s not done for fun or out of the blue. Cutting off a one-sided, toxic friend brought relief, not regret. It solved the issue, revealed their true colors, and mutual friends saw it too. No anxiety, no discomfort, just peace.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 30/03/2025 17:22

A slightly different perspective - a "friendship" that isn't a friendship. I was "arrached" (not sure if that is the word I want, but it'll do) by someone. I am not a people pleaser, but I am usually nice enough to most people. This person decided to be my friend, and try as I might I could not get through to them that an occasional chat (about themselves and all their problems) and maybe an occasional social occasion (with others) was all I wanted. It ended up not quite stalker-ish, but close enough - they would phone every day, and if I didn't answer, multiple times a day. Call around at my home uninvited. In the summer I couldn't go out in my front garden because they "happened to be passing" constantly, came in and wouldn't leave! I did absolutely everything I could to set boundaries, which they ignored, even when I was so blunt that honestly speaking they should have taken offence!

In the end I gave up - if they came around I went in the house and locked the door, or failed to answer the door if they arrived. Blocked them on everything. It still took a couple of months for them to get the message.

I know that is a bit of an extreme case, but I do often see people on here talking about "their friend" and I wonder what they mean by that, the way they talk about them! I sometimes think that social media has warped peoples sense of what a friend is.

Onleemoi · 30/03/2025 17:25

I ghosted a friend in as much as I removed her from my social media and we never messaged again. I removed her as she was completely self obsessed and turned everything into something about her. It was boring, frustrating and one sided. I no longer had the energy to be around her.

pinkdelight · 30/03/2025 17:26

Swirlythingy2025 · 30/03/2025 17:15

this "people who, instead of addressing an issue directly, just stop talking to their friends and go completely silent. No explanation, no proper conversation, just radio silence. "

basically happened to me i asked permission to text, wattsapp etc then after a while ......... no reason or anything.

the theory was from other people is that they fell in love but didnt want to accept their feelings due to already being in another relationship

trying to understand what you mean here - are you saying that you got ghosted and the theory is that it was because the person had secretly fallen in love with you? not sure what the part about asking permission to text means either.

maguiresarah · 30/03/2025 17:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

kublacant · 30/03/2025 17:31

I did this to someone - we’d met when we had our first babies. It slowly dawned on me that she only talked about herself and never asked about me or how I was.

the final straw came in lockdown when I messaged to see how she was. I received a long message but never once did she ask about me…..in lockdown!

So I couldn’t be bothered any more.